I don't know how to feel happy

[PinotNoir1]

Please no judgement. And apologies if this post is all over the place as its a bit like my mind at the moment.

I never feel content and can't remember the last time I actually felt happy.

It was my birthday yesterday. I turned 38 and had a nice morning with my children, lunch out with my parents and an afternoon/evening at home with cake. My husband was working but was home in time for the cake.

I got a few lovely gifts, cards and messages from family and friends. Hubby asked what I wanted and I said I don't know and we're low on money anyway so wouldn't want him spending. Hubby and kids for me some chocolates and a nice bottle of something to drink. I thought I was fine about that but I keep having this niggly feeling because some of the messages I got were "hope you've been spoilt" "hope hubby was good to you" etc.

I'm very aware I'm looking at other people's perceptions but it brings me back down to my normality of just not being happy or comparing myself to others. I feel selfish and guilty for not feeling content with how my birthday went as I am not a child and had a nice day!

That's just one example but in general I feel like I wake up and dread the day ahead. I've got no money, it's summer holidays and I do find things for us to do for free or on budget but I feel jealous of others a lot of the time.

I just don't know how to have an outlook or looking at what I do have (family, health, good friends and relationship) and be happy. I just don't know how to be happy.

So the issue is comparing yourself to others because other than that you have a life filled with love and connection. Some people will read this and long for what you have - loving family, a birthday acknowledged, a husband who asked you what you wanted and respected your wishes. So maybe some reading/therapy/time to think to help you unravel why you’re locked into painful and pointless comparison. It’s a very human thing, but it needs to be quelled and offset.

Having little money is stressful so that is understandable. Maybe you need a new thing in your life - a group, hobby, interest - that brings you joy?

Yes! I am comparing myself to others and what I think happy should be when in reality I have everything I need to be happy. So feel there is something wrong with me.

I think I need to write things down, journal and looking at unravelling.

Thank you

It doesn’t help that we live in a world of social media - everyone trying to outdo each other on how amazing their life is and how the people’s round them treat them. We constantly hear people call women Princess and Queen- and have adverts say ‘because I am worth it’ - sets up a very strange dynamic for what we are supposed to value in life

We are all worth something I don’t wish to suggest we are not, however, in the grand scheme of things being loved - having a husband who asked you what you wanted ( and made an effort) having your parents alive and near you, having children, having your health etc are blessings that we should recognise and celebrate

Turn off the social media - ignore the niggling messages about ‘getting old’ because when you are 58 then 38 will look even more amazing than it already is

Stop and smell the roses - or whatever is near you. When all is said and done it’s the little things, the love and connection that gives meaning to our lives. You are clearly loved and people around you were there for you.
It’s almost impossible to think what you ‘want’ for a birthday - we already have so much.

Happy birthday- enjoy the birthday drinks and cake

I think with this particular situation there will always be a comparison to make, and everyone will always be "somewhere" on the scale, with people more up and down. Not sure if you've seen a post today from someone who has turned 37 today and won't receive any cards, no happy birthday wishes, no partner, children, friends or family other than a poorly elderly mother and a sibling who can't be arsed and won't remember it's her birthday. I know it's easy to make comparisons against people who seem like they've got it better but no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors

There’s nothing wrong with you at all OP - it’s a very human thing and very common. It does make me think you need something fun in your life just for you. You need more pleasure on your own terms maybe. Journaling is a great idea.

Someone said to me once 'comparison is the thief of joy' and that resonated with me so much.
Weirdly, we usually find it easier to compare ourselves to those who we feel are 'doing better' than us and harder to pick out those not doing so well and feeling lucky in comparison.
Social media usually fuels this. People will either tell you when it's really bad or really good. No one shares the average and mundane, when in reality that's what most of us experience......average and mundane, day to day life.
In terms of birthdays (and life in general) I've had bells and whistles and I've had a card and flowers on a rainy Tuesday. Depends what's going on at the time.
What's the real issue here do you think?
Feel like your husband doesn't appreciate you as he should?
Going through low funds period?
Lost your sense of 'you' because even your birthday is about the kids etc rather than you?

Finally....nothing is permanent and it's in your gift to change ❤️

I think it might be the human condition to compare yourself to other. I suspect an evolutionary biologist might be able to explain it but that won't help. I know so many people feeling negative about their own lives compared to others.

Is it possible you might be a little depressed? There are low-key things you can do to tackle low-level depression e.g. exercise. You sound a bit flat which made me think you might be a little depressed.

There is always someone worse off than you and always someone better off. That won't change. The only thing that might change is how you respond. I speak as someone who feels similar and I try to focus on how I am feeling. I try to do things that make me feel better about things. I exercise, connect with friends, cook, watch good TV, take supplements that are supposed to help and try and eat reasonably sensibly. I think it all helps a little but exercise probably helps the most.

I think you need to communicate better. If you want a fuss made of you then you need to say so. Loads of people don't like a fuss and loads do so it will help if you can be clear about that. To me, your day did sound like you had lots of attention.

Is it material gifts that you want more of, or a lavish celebration/treat? If so, say so. Tell your DH now to start saving for your birthday next year as you want to do something special. And tell him what sort of gift/experience you want.

Yes that is true about social media.

I know my birthday isn't the cause or my unhappiness it's more why I can't even be happy when I've had a nice day.

I feel selfish when there are others like poster mentioned below that haven't had what I have. I've no idea why I feel like this really as on paper I shouldn't.

Thank you for this reply. Really got me thinking that it isn't about my birthday there is a bigger picture I need to think about.

@PinotNoir1 I really wouldn't beat yourself up about it though, it's clear your feelings don't stem from malice or selfishness, there is just an underlying feeling that's preventing you from experiencing joy in things by the sound of it? As other posters have suggested it really would be worth seeing your GP if there might be any sort of stress, anxiety or depression that's causing these feelings. Good luck x

Thank you for your reply it's really helped me. I like the way you said "on your terms"

I understand how you feel OP. It’s been twenty years since I felt ‘happy’.

Every achievement/milestone brings other worries.

I feel envious of other people and don’t like myself for it.

I think a big part of my unhappiness is where I live and the weather.

i buy a lot of ‘stuff’ but the truth is I am at my most content when doing simple things like walking, reading and gardening in the sunshine and warmth.

I think having people in your life helps too - seeing friends and acquaintances and being part of a community.

Not sure any of this applies to you but know you are not alone in feeling how you do.

I rediscovered happiness once I was no longer married. It might not be the answer for you, but living my life on my own terms has really changed my outlook. We are so conditioned to putting ourselves last, that we can lose who we are and what is important to us.

Start keeping a gratitude diary, five things each day.

I agree also with @unsync so many women are unhappier in marriages than if they had stayed single. We are never just allowed to please ourselves.

Lots of common sense on this thread!

I totally sympathise, OP. I had a big birthday recently, and it's left me reeling. For a long time I have found birthdays, New Year and DD's milestones hard to celebrate. Anything that marks the passage of time makes me gloomy. I find myself dwelling on the past, wondering what life would be like if I'd taken that job/not moved away/married someone else/not married at all/started a family earlier...

It has the same effect as comparing myself to others, I imagine. A general sense of dissatisfaction and self-criticism.

I find the best remedies to be activity and distraction. Exercise is great but when I'm in a gloomy slump it's hard to summon the energy. But any activity that keeps me focused and has a tangible benefit works. Cleaning, gardening, decorating, cooking, knitting, de-cluttering... anything that leaves you with even a momentary sense of satisfaction helps to counteract the negativity. Also - audiobooks and podcasts. Something that interests you enough to hold your attention and drown out your internal self-critic for a while.

I think it's very common, though. It can be a struggle to find happiness even when you have so many blessings. Life is so busy and full of pressures, it is a challenge to take stock. Maybe it would help to stop striving for happiness and aim for contentment? I think it's the same thing, really, but calling it contentment seems more achievable, somehow.

I think the most grateful people are the ones who have experienced and overcome great suffering. Happiness for me is not having health problems, having a roof over my head, being mentally, physically and financially stable and having a beautiful child.