No bond at 7 months

[sadgirlx]

Not sure if I’m posting in the correct place, but I feel so alone as I can’t speak about this with anyone. I tried finding similar posts for advice but I couldn’t see anyone with no bond after such a long time.

My little boy is now 7 months old and we have no bond whatsoever. He is my only child.

I see people sharing quotes on how they love being a mother and it’s “hard but so worth it”. I don’t understand what makes it worth it. So far I feel like I am endlessly babysitting and doing an awful job of it. It breaks my heart to even admit that. I want to love being a mother, I want to love spending all my time with him, I want to “enjoy it while it lasts” but I just can’t.

My son cries all day, every day. I can’t even sit and read a book with him without him screaming. I try to play with him with various toys, or just trying to encourage babbling etc and he just cries after 10 minutes or so. It truly feels like he hates me with every fibre of his tiny being. Even taking him for a walk in the pram is really hard and embarrassing as he just cries and cries. The days are very, very long to say the least.

Even as a newborn, he hated being held like an “baby” i.e cradled in arms. I tried doing skin to skin from birth to try and bond, but now I just feel like it’s too late to have an impact. He hates it anyway so I’ve given up.

When his dad gets home from work he fully takes over, as by this point I’m in tears myself from listening to him cry all day and really defeated.

I’m so jealous of people who have loving bonds with their children and I just don’t know why I can’t seem to achieve this. Maybe some people aren’t meant to be mothers and perhaps I’m one of them.

Is there anything I can do to try and bond at this late stage? I honestly don’t know what to do anymore and it’s hurting my heart to see my son so miserable with me all the time.

If you managed to read all this, thank you in advance ❤️

Does he sleep much? Have reflux or anything? When you do these activities you mention where is he? Does he still cry if you are holding him?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Have you been able to seek some help from your health visitor? They should be able offer you some support and help with bonding. As the above poster says does your little one suffer with reflux or other health issues that might be a cause of the crying.
are there things you’re able to do when your partner takes over to look after your own mental health and do things that help you to recharge. It’s exhausting and absolutely draining when you hear your baby cry all day. Please do reach out to your health visitor or GP to get some advice and support. I think at times we’re made to believe that motherhood is the whole magical thing that we’re meant to love and embrace every moment but it’s hard work and no one ever perhaps you when things don’t work out how you’d picture in your own head.

Thank you for getting back to me!

His sleep is okay I think. He naps for around 3 hours during the day across three naps. Overnight he sleeps from around 8pm to 6:30am (usually) without major wake ups, he just wants his dummy back.

He was diagnosed with CMPA but he’s been on prescription milk for a couple of months now.

If I hold him upright he is calmer. This doesn’t last forever though and after a while he pushes away from me, crying. When I try play with him or read we are usually sat on the floor / sofa / bed.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it all sounds really hard with your son crying such a lot and I'm not surprised it's affecting your bonding. Maybe contact your health visitor so they can check if he's OK physically or if they have any advice. It's not you, don't feel bad, babies are hard work and hopefully you won't feel this way forever but please look after yourself and see GP for your own mental health if you think you need to. Hang in there <3

It sounds really tough OP, I'm sorry. My DS was a high needs baby and he cried a lot. Walking around while holding him worked a bit and he liked the car. He didn't sleep much either and would only nap on me, in the car or while the pram was moving.

I assume you have started weaning, has there been any improvement at all? I think I'd take him back to the doctors if he is still crying a lot and seems to be in discomfort.

@Poppy708 thank you for your reply!

I haven’t contacted my health visitor as I’ve heard they are very judgemental and I’m worried they will think I’m an awful person for feeling the way I do. The GP already told me the reason my little boy is so fussy is because I formula feed him (I breastfed for a month but it didn’t work out due to tongue tie).

Honestly when my partner gets home I just sit and shut down. I don’t really feel like doing much these days! It is so draining, but I feel like nobody else has a baby who cries like this. None of my “mum friends” can relate and it makes me feel like I must be doing something really wrong 😔

I’m sorry you feel the health visitor team will be judgmental and the comments you got from your GP weren’t supportive. There’s many parents who formula feed so saying that’s the reason your son is fussy is unhelpful. Are you able to see another doctor in your practice? Would it work to initially approach your health visitor team with the amount your son cries and explain all the things you’ve tried to help soothe but would appreciate some additional support. If you feel you can trust them after these initial conversations maybe you could open up more. Please don’t feel you’re doing anything wrong, from what you’ve described you’re doing everything you can to help him. As mums we don’t talk enough or share enough about the struggles we have because we fear we will be judged or we’re doing something wrong. I’m sure some of your mum friends have had similar struggles but might be too scared to share in case they will judged. Motherhood is hard enough as it is so please don’t blame yourself
Are there any support groups for parents in your local area?

It is so hard. Don't beat yourself up.

I think a lot more people feel this way than they let on. I didn't bond with my eldest until she was around 6. Even now, I know I love her, but that natural bond isn't there. I've only ever admitted it to 1 person because I was so ashamed.

It does get easier. They eventually stop the constant crying and become a bit more fun, but it is shit, it is boring and it is monotonous. It does improve and you do think it's 'hard but so worth it', but it's definitely not all it's cracked up to be!

Does he keep crying when your husband comes home?

Even as a newborn, he hated being held like an “baby” i.e cradled in arms.

This was DD. HATED being prone in any way. Loved being upright. Then toddler stage was all frustration that she didn't have all the control. She's 13 now and the most independent, wonderful, strong girl in the world.

It took me a while to feel that burning love. And it wasn't cuddling that did it. A car came towards me and her when she was in the pram and I got her out of the way. A very clear thought popped into my head, "I could happy have beaten that driver if they had harmed a hair on her head". Scary but I thought that made me a mum.

Some people aren't baby people, they are mums though. They are just better at the later bit. Fake it until you make it.

It really sounds like you are in the trenches. I am not in UK, do you know if there is a version of Tresillian Nurse Centres there? The ones in Australia don’t just do sleep issues, they do feeding issues and generally working out what’s making baby cry issues. I feel like you’d have a better chance of bonding if the constant crying was got on top of.

I would also be seeking help for your mental health, PPD is a real and awful thing but it can be treated.

And if it turns out he is just a high needs baby, the good news is he won’t be a baby forever. My nephew hated being a baby. The more be could talk, move and be independent, the happier and calmer he got, if your baby is the same, then all of those things are just around the corner.

I was very reluctant to seek help with DS too, OP. I was breast feeding but I was getting a lot of criticism for it. Things did get better though. He still has digestion problems now as a teen but manageable.

Remember that "bonding", like almost everything else in psychology, is something that has been made up by other people. It is not what scientists call a "natural kind", that is, something that actually demonstrably exists, like a child or a chair or a virus. It's a word that was made up about 50 years ago to describe the relationship between mothers and babies. Your great-grandmother would not have said that she "bonded" with your grandfather, because the word had not been invented. She just got on with being a mother, and your grandfather probably turned out fine (and if he didn't, it wasn't because they didn't "bond").

And it sounds nice and warm, so the kinds of publications that want you to keep reading until you get to the next couple of pages of adverts for cute stuff use it a lot. Bonding good, not bonding bad. But the downside of all that marketing guff (and that's all it is) is that it creates an expectation. We wonder if we are bonding right, or enough, or at all. We think we know what bonding feels like, perhaps because we expect it to be like the relationship we had with our own mother or perhaps with a childhood pet.

Bottom line, don't worry about it. Look after your baby as best you can, and genuine love - if not "bonding", whatever the hell that is supposed to even mean - for him will develop over time, and in a way that works for you, because that's what evolution set up for us, tens of thousands of years before "bonding" was even a glimmer in the eye of an ambitious developmental psychologist.

I needed this too. Thank you.

I had a high needs 1st baby. No sleep, lots of crying, it felt endless. He did better being outside, so we walked. A lot. Not in the pushchair but being carried. Upright so he could see. He never lay down, even falling asleep had to be upright until he was asleep. Eventually it settled. He is now a very adventurous teen and we are very close. But he still wakes before the sun and would prefer to be doing something. Outside. So we still walk. A lot. And I now love early wake ups and long walks.

sending you hope that it gets better

How is he with your husband or others, does he still cry endlessly?

How is he when he is upright facing outwards in a baby carrier either at home whilst you do some chores or out on a walk? Some babies hate being in the pram/bouncer.

Has there been any improvement since discovering and treating CMPA? Does he seem in discomfort after eating? How has weaning been going?

I don’t know who told you that all health visitors are judgemental but they are wrong. It’s the same as with any health professional, it can be hit and miss. Please please reach out to them for support with the crying and also see a different GP.

I’d also suggest you see a private feeding consultant and chiropractor to look at if there is any reason/s your DS may be in pain or discomfort as a reason for the constant crying?

I do think you’ll struggle to bond until the crying is under control as at the moment you are convincing yourself that it is your fault when it absolutely is not.

I’m sorry it’s so hard. I think you should see your health visitor and a different GP to ensure there is nothing physical that is causing discomfort for your son (and could be improved). Do you think you could have postpartum depression? There are some amazing charities and helplines with this, and hopefully a more supportive GP. Are there any charity that offers parent infant psychotherapy near you? I did this when my son was a similar age and it changed my outlook and helped so much.

You are a good Mum doing your best for your baby. Things will get better.

I rarely reply to posts from other mothers about being a mum, even though I am one myself (son aged 3.5 years) but I just wanted to respond to wish you well. Your post made me feel really sad. You sound like a loving and caring mother who is struggling. I would echo PP to say please reach out to your HV and ask to see a different GP. It sounds like Your son may have something physical going on which is making him so upset and uncomfortable and it would be good to explore that. I think mothers, well, women in general actually often get completely fobbed off by the medical world. I completely understand the fear you have of being judged that you can’t cope but I speak from my own experience, heath visitors, etc are used to mums saying they are struggling as IT IS bloody hard work and relentless.
I was a reluctant mother (as I call it) and found pregnancy mentally very difficult and the first year also incredibly hard and such a slog. I know it’s an awful cliche but it does get easier, once your baby gets a bit bigger and you get more ‘in return’ (sorry that clumsily worded but I hope you know what I mean), then it starts to be more rewarding. But please please reach out to a professional about your baby’s discomfort. He does not hate you, he doesn’t know how!
take care, I wish you well xxx

Speak to HV / GP. I was under the care of the perinatal MH team when DC2 was little. They provided baby massage for bonding (I appreciate baby will be too big for this but I’m sure there’s other stuff to help). I think there’s a bit of “fake it until you make it”. The days are LONG. Parenthood is relentless. Especially as they are getting mobile but can’t communicate easily. You’re doing great. You’re strong and you’ve got this.

A year on, I am wondering how you are getting on? Was there something bothering your baby or did things ever change?

I feel I am in a very similar position currently with my 7 month old, crying all day, refusing to be prone however her sleep is very poor.

https://www.cry-sis.org.uk

Goodluck Longlie xx