Hello All
Please bear with me, I don’t know who to talk to that’s not involved in the whole situation and this really is my only place to vent and ask for advice.
I am currently 34 weeks with baby #4. Pregnancy has been a breeze, up until 2 weeks ago when I got sent to a&e by my GP as I was showing signs of a blood clot.. a week later (last Tuesday) I found out I have not only one but 2 pulmonary embolism’s on both lungs, Blood thinners for 3 months or more and my whole advocacy for a low risk, water birth just completely went out the window and another c-section has been advised as the better choice.
so it’s been a rough week to say the least. My partner, has been beyond supportive, helping with the kids (ex is not the best and kids seem to be a last priority) he’s been amazing. My mom, again couldn’t seem to do enough, arranging a week off provisionally until I get my section date tomorrow, worried beyond belief for the c-sec in general.
So fast forward a few days, Sunday just gone was my baby shower. I haven’t had a baby shower since my eldest was born in 2013 (2nd baby was born with serious health issues and 3rd was born during Covid). I had honestly debated having a baby shower altogether but my partner and his sister convinced me to - And both helped me plan just a baby shower I’d wanted for so long and I was beyond grateful!
My mum kindly offered to do the food a few weeks before. Come the morning of the baby shower, my dad had called as I was getting ready to say my mum had lost her phone on a night out the night before. I then received a FaceTime call about 11am as we were arriving at the venue to set up from my mom, still drunk, laughing at my dad being drunk lying on the sofa. Making jokes about how she couldn’t make the food and how she didn’t feel like it and ‘couldn’t the guests make their own’. Upset, naturally i hung up and asked my partner what we should do, knowing she probably couldn’t drive, wasn’t in any good state to be safely making food for 20+ people and honestly just feeling really upset about the insensitivity of the phone call. She knew it was a big deal for me, it was something I’d been looking forward to for a while and something we needed after a pretty crappy week. so I called my mum back on my dads phone, to ask whether they needed to get the food and drop it off etc. my dad asked why I was upset and short on the phone, and I simply said I was upset at the insensitivity of the phone call in general, and asked why they had had to do this the night before/day of my shower knowing they were both involved, especially my mom. My mom has always had issues with drink in the past, it’s been a root cause of a lot of our arguments and relationship breakdown on many of occasions. My dad, however, seemed somewhat upset and felt my mom had done nothing wrong. As I was trying to explain myself, my dad suddenly yelled down the phone at me to ‘shut the f up’ and hung up on me.
I honestly didn’t know what to do, at that point I was so upset, my partner was understandably angry at my dad for yelling at not only his daughter but his 8 month heavily pregnant girlfriend. My mom called back moments later just simply stating ‘she was fine to drive and cook etc’ when I said it was fine and not to bother as I didn’t want the arguments, it again escalated that I was in the wrong for speaking to my dad the way I did but it was okay for my dad because ‘he came off the phone and apologised to my mom’.. not the heavily pregnant daughter he had verbally abused. The whole phone call consisted of her taking my fathers side; even after I made the point that as her daughter why couldn’t she see how it was making me feel that she didn’t defend me in that moment. She stated she ‘hadn’t had a drink for months’ but couldn’t answer the question why did she wait until the night before my shower to go out and get absolutely battered. the phone call ended and I was yet again called back by my father apologising for his actions, but then stating he wasn’t attending or acknowledging the day due to me saying I was my moms daughter and ‘he had been my father for 20+ years and I had no idea how much that comment had hurt his feelings and he knew where he stood with me now’. The comment again- completely taken out of context twisted and manipulated into something it wasn’t.
My mom dropped off half bothered platters for the shower and left. Didn’t speak a word to me or my partner and made the choice not to attend my shower. Not even any explanation as to why. I found out yesterday morning she and my dad had gone out instead, and were seen visibly drunk walking back to their house from their local.
it’s been issues like this my whole life. If I defend myself, the situations get twisted and manipulated and told to everyone as my fault and I’m really at a point where I’m tired. I’m so upset by the whole incident, it ruined what was meant to be a really exciting and nice day for us as a family and for the imminent arrival of our son. For me there’s no coming back and it’s just not a level of toxicity I want in mine and my children’s lives anymore.
so please, does anyone have any advice or has been in a parent relationship like this? I can’t handle the toxicity the manipulation and the constant victim act. I’m well aware there are bigger problems in the world but for me, this really has affected my anxiety and my overall mental health.
thanks in advance. X