I honestly feel if I weren't here anymore nobody would notice or care

[stoicgirl]

For the past roughly 2 years I've gone through a very difficult time. I've also considered myself a pretty strong person but it's like everything has started to crumble. I lost a partner a few years back, dealt with sexual harassment in a workplace and am also dealing with an ongoing disability.

The only friends I have in my life are Fairweather friends who don't want to know or acknowledge me outside of meeting up for a drink every few weeks. Another so called friend who I tried to confide in asked me if there was "anyone else I could speak to". Yet I always seem to be the first person people come to when they are going through a difficult time.

As I mentioned, I also dealt with sexual harassment and have come to loathe how I look because of the crude misogynistic comments that were made to me. I began to see myself as someone who was just an object and how I looked was the only thing that mattered.

I think the first step I'm going to take is going to see my gp and talk over how I've been feeling, but I've just been really struggling with it all lately and needed to vent

Everything you've been through sounds so hard. I am so glad that you're going to be talking to your GP x

I promise you the universe would notice your absence. Well done for reaching out for help and I hope you are feeling better soon x

Sorry you are struggling so much at the moment OP. Please don’t despair. There is a lot that can be done by anti depressants and talking therapy so do reach out to your GP as soon as you can.
Also, keep posting on here as there are lots of kind folk who will listen and offer helpful advice. Take care x

My brain has suggested a lack of me would be a better version of me for 40 years. Something awful happened. Brain, neural pathways, hormonal balance, something else got all fucked up and I just didn’t recover properly.

I thought it was me thinking and reasoning, but no. Just my brain. I hold slightly more of a grudge towards Brain than I would a kidney malfunctioning. But really, they are both just organs. Having a (rather extended) blip.

Finally relenting on the anti depressants front was a revelation. It was the longest “start low dose, build up to what works” ever, because I am a wimp. Had to use one of the few forms that come as drops. Started with a single drop (with much wibbling and overthinking side effects to the point where I was walking example of the nocebo effect) ended at 40 drops. And then moved to pills because counting to 40 everyday leads to losing count and wastage. Worked like a charm once I was on a high enough dose.

Peri menopause came along couple of years later and cut through the anti depressants like a hot knife through butter. Brain decided to get up to its old tricks with knobs on. HRT added to the mix. Few of weeks of close supervision by DH and … brain started behaving again.

I have to do stuff to help the anti depressants and HRT (plus thyroxine now, zinc, vit D and magnesium as well). work as well as possible. But I’m out of the prison of long standing mental torment,

Long way of saying, it’s not you. It’s an organ malfunctioning. Might be the brain itself. Might be ovaries. Might be thyroid. Might be a shit time and something else playing up inside your body. Treat it like you would a broken ankle or frozen shoulder. Take it to the GP. Be honest. Try the help offered. Ask them to run through which organ(s) might be involved so they are primed to being open to looking beyond “brain is malfunctioning on its own”.

You are not the problem. One (or two) of your organs is. Helping yourself is hard. But a message to your doctor going SOS, means help knows where you are and how fast you need it.

Huge hug. I know. I really know. And there are no words for how awful it is when you are being betrayed by your own brain (or ovaries, thyroid, random other organ that fucks up your endocrine system).

Thanks for the kind thoughts and words everyone, it's much appreciated. @AlienatedChildGrown you have made so many good points so I definitely think going to the doctor is a good idea

@stoicgirl
I’ll be thinking of you. I know it’s not easy to tell a receptionist or a doctor the full details. I went with blurt out the Big Concern first, and fill in the other details later. Once it was out, I got to stop worrying about how to get it out, when and which words. Blurting makes it much easier.

Are you a Marcus Aurelius fan too ? (the username jumped out at me).

@AlienatedChildGrown I am indeed :) I try to implement stoicism in my everyday life as much as I can as another way of trying to help my mental health

@stoicgirl The good news is that stoicism really does turn into cherry on the cake when the underlying issue is responding to medication. I compare it to a hill walk, when it used to be like climbing Everest in bare feet. Did the doc find time to fit you in ?

@AlienatedChildGrown that's a really great way of looking at things. I'll see the doctor on Monday so will hopefully be able to discuss everything then