Help

[ThisBoldNavyCrow]

I’m sorry to be posting this.

I'm lost, and i need to get this off of my chest.

just before Christmas my mum passed away suddenly, for a while it was with the coroner and police involvement by the time the coroner got back to us the council gave me a short time to empty her house unfortunately my gran became extremely ill in that time after battling cancer she passed due to covid the day before my mums funeral so I wasn’t able to empty the house in time and lost most bits from my childhood, and reminders of my sister who passed away 15 years ago.
i lost my full time temp to perm job due to the amount of time i had to be off, and now im stuck with debt for funerals, rent and just general crap through not having the money I ended up with a possession order on my home so I paid off arrears, I’ve been zombie working just to try to crawl out of debt but every time one things paid more crops up.

my anxiety’s terrible, suicidal ideations more frequent, I’ve developed bad phone anxiety complete with panic attacks and I can’t sleep at night the guilt of not saving my mum physically seems to hurt my heart I should of checked on her and I didn’t she said she was coming back to mine I just thought she’d fell to sleep at hers until the next morning something she’d done previously.

my auntie recently passed away, and I didn’t manage to go to her funeral I got dressed ready for it but had a panic attack before leaving the house so I stayed in.

I just don’t see a way out anymore I don’t do anything because I have kids I’ve seen the doctor for depression over the years but I seem to react awfully to anti-depressants. I have a friend I could talk to but they’ve also got so much stress at the moment.
my partners recently been diagnosed with autism although he cares, he doesn’t read my emotions very well or understand how I’m feeling so I end up angry, frustrated then guilty he works his arse off whilst I do part time and beg for other shifts just to attempt to pull us out of a hole that the cost of living crisis hasn’t helped with, funeral costs still having £1,700 to pay on 4000 with what seems like no way out recently got a diploma in dog grooming but the what if’s like what if I mess up stops me starting the business I planned to start.

2 weeks ago me and my partner had a minor argument but it just seemed huge in my head at the time so I “ran away” well drove away and slept in my car in the forest car park surprisingly the only night I’ve managed to sleep at night since the start of the year.

I extremely selfishly feel so angry with my mum too for not making sure her funeral was covered we had discussions so many of them about it instead she drank her money away down the drain but I love and miss her so much too it hurts.

i don’t know what I’m hoping for from this post and I didn’t know where to post it.

You've been through the mill, @ThisBoldNavyCrow. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed, scared and grief-stricken after all that. There's nothing wrong with you.

I'm sorry you're going through all this alone, and of course you need someone to talk to. This is just what Samaritans are there for. You get up to an hour of listening, and you can ring them back as often as needed. Phone 116 123.

It's also a good idea to talk to your GP. If your practise does reception triage (mine does) try telling them you'd like to see the CPN.

There are links to bereavement support services on this government page.

You deserve support, so ask for some! Going a bit further, are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to?

Thank you, it’s frustrating me so much I don’t know how I feel most of the time it’s an overwhelming all at once emotions usually led by anger I’m angry she drank although she had very valid reasons for drinking and it wasn’t what caused her death, I’m angry at hospitals and doctor for all the times she asked for help last year and I’m angry her heart wasn’t checked I’m unsure if it would of helped because she died from her heart just stopping no rhyme or reason which I think annoyed me the most in it there was no reason for it, I’m angry the council didn’t fix her boiler just incase that attribute to her dying or I feel complete zombie like numbness with boat loads of anxiety I’ve spent hours researching to be no closer to why also scared the what ever reason my mum died is hereditary, I think part of the reason I don’t sleep at night now is because in the day everybody I care about is safe being watched by somebody else, or when they’re here I can hear them my kids are 16, 12 and 10 so even if I nap for an hour always on the sofa at a weekend they’re pretty independent now I work evenings but I check in through living room camera, message and Alexa to know every bodies ok. I’ve spoke to the doctors, I’ve done sessions in CBT and been prescribed escitalopram, fluoxetine and sertraline since jan others in the years previously 2018 and 2020 all just made me sick and bed bound weak (terrible with a few medications though). I’m being referred currently for ADHD

we were on universal credit but the up, and down in payments then mistakes journals going unanswered didn’t help at all with it, it could be £600 then £200 and even £0 due to wages mostly mistakes on their part it was a nightmare with them compared to ctc and wtc among everything else universal credit caused me to have a mental breakdown last year, I went to apply again a month or so ago and it set complete panic in to me especially wanting to go self employed.

I will check out the bereavement support.