Does DH need anger management?

[Alittlebitwary]

I'll start this by saying DH is in general a good person, a good husband and a good dad. However, I'm starting to worry about his angry outbursts which I think are getting increasingly worse. We have 2 young DC both under 5.

I've noticed when the kids are being difficult, he can be quite rough with them (think, kids refusing to do necessary things like clean teeth etc, getting to end of tether so physically making them - which ofc we all have to do sometimes but he can be overly aggressive about it) and I have to tell him to go calm down.
I've had conversations about it in the past and asked him to make changes to help him manage stress etc but he's not done anything.

Tonight, DC2 was eating a snack they'd asked repeatedly for. Ate half then saw DC1 eating a different snack, wanted that snack instead so refused to continue eating own snack because they wanted the same as sibling. DH said no, finish what you're eating first, repeated etc. DC2 then crying and tantrumming, repeatedly asking.
DH then lost it. Went over and shoved the half snack into their mouth and basically was forcing it in and holding it there.
I immediately intervened, told him how dangerous and out of order this is, I was fuming at him myself!
After the kids got to bed I explained how I felt - this wasn't acceptable, he could have seriously hurt DC2 / caused her to choke, it was completely unnecessary. This is where I struggling. He said it wasn't that bad, the food was soft she wouldn't have choked. Refused to talk about it. I told him I needed reassurance this is never going to happen again and he needs to do something about his anger, and he just refused to talk about it and just made out like I was having a go at him.

I'm a bit lost. This is the first time I've genuinely been concerned and he's minimised it and got mad with me for calling him up on it.

Well done if you have got this far, and I guess what I'm asking is what should I do now? I can't let this go. But I can't make him seek help. But if he doesn't then I can't accept this??

Please do not allow this man to do that to your child again. I had something similar happen to me and it caused me intense distress and fear.

If he can’t control his anger, he should not be around his children.

He's not a good person, dad or husband. He's an abuser. You need to leave. It will only escalate.

He’s abusive. This will have already damaged your children , please please don’t allow him to damage them further.

Just to add - he can’t reassure you that it won’t happen again. You can see that he’s minimising but, as kindly as I can Op, so are you.

OP he abused your child. She could have choked and she must have been terrified. He can't be trusted around your children. I'm also wondering how rough he's been with them in the past. I'd do everything in my power to keep him away from them.

I know it must be hard to accept but he's seriously crossed a line here. And to refuse to admit it or talk about it makes it even worse (if possible). This is completely unacceptable behaviour and I dread to think what else he could be capable of if something made him even angrier.

Perhaps an ultimatum is needed here of either getting help for his anger problem immediately or you will remove yourself and your children. If SS were aware of this I don't think they would be very understanding of his actions.

He assaulted his child. What would happen if he did this to a colleague or friend.. Well it wouldn't because it's not acceptable.

He has assaulted your child.

He needs divorce papers not anger management - especially since he won’t admit there is a problem.

That's abuse, OP. If he did that to someone else what would you think? To someone else's child?

How could you ever trust him alone with the children ever again? If this is what he'll do in front of you as a witness, how far could he go when there isn't someone there to intervene as you did?

Op I feel sick to the stomach reading this. You need to address this now, that’s so vile what he did. What would have happened if you hadn’t have been there???

Thanks for your responses. He's completely disengaged, I imagine because he knows he's overstepped and can't handle it. I have just been to try speak to him again and he said he feels bad enough as it is, and won't talk about it tonight but has agreed we need a conversation about it properly tomorrow, I imagine when he's gathered his thoughts. I fully appreciate the advice to leave. I guess I'd advise that myself having read this thread. I know it's not as simple as that and obviously there's more context to our lives than this incident. If he doesn't agree to take action to help himself then I know that's what I need to do. I feel like this is something he could work on and overcome and I'd like to think he will agree to that, and that he will actually agree he needs to do for the kids. Both of us are generally good communicators with each other, and if we've ever needed a sit down chat about anything then usually we can both accept responsibility where needed and resolve things together. This doesn't feel like that at all, he's completely shut himself off and gone to bed. I think I'm still in shock about it tbh.

He definitely needs to learn about the development of children and particularly their brain development. They haven’t the capacity of an adult’s reasoning brain so will communicate the only way they know how. It’s not personal but survival with them.

Then he needs to learn how to remove himself from such dynamite situations.

meanwhile don’t leave him alone with the kids.

So your husband is abusive. If you want to keep your children safe you need to get rid of him. What a vile bastard. Poor DC. A good man my arse.

You need to wake up, take this seriously and see it for what it is. It's beyond anger management and reflection. You husband is a nasty bully. Protect your children.

I found this nearly impossible to read. Horrendous.

Anger Management is a must as a bare minimum. If you separate there is a good chance that a judge would allow him unsupervised contact (you cannot always trust the family courts).

I would be removing myself and the children to a safe place and refusing contact until he has begun anger management but delaying on divorce proceedings simply to slow down contact arrangements. He is absolutely not safe alone with your children. He cannot control or contain his anger and he will escalate.

Oh wow OP, I usually find people on mumsnet a bit overly dramatic about less than perfect parenting but everyone is spot on. That’s horrific behaviour and a would be ringing a very big alarm bell for the me. I don’t think your children should be alone with him, he really can’t control himself.

Please don’t involve yourself with whether he needs anger management- you can’t fix someone else. Just start thinking about what you need to do to keep your children and yourself safe

OP your partner definitely needs anger management and therapy. No question. The incident is one thing - how he reacted afterwards (lack of insight or accountability) is even more distressing.
Not many men are open to doing the kind of intense work and introspection necessary to reverse these patterns and cycles. It can be done but he needs to show full willingness. Good luck.

My ex used to do those things to my children. He would lose patience and forcibly brush their teeth roughly in the same way you described. He would get so angry he would go bright red, make noises and squeeze his fists. He would sometimes scream loudly in their faces, lash out with a slap and chase around.
I sent him on an anger management course but it did stuff all.
He was generally able to behave himself around adult work colleagues and people he didn’t know very well so I knew he was definitely able to control his temper.
It just got worse over time and my kids developed severe anxiety and behaviour problems. So I left.
If it’s just the two of you, you can make an adult based choice to stay. But when it’s kids, you have to be a parent first and a wife second.

In an ideal world you could leave and keep your children safe. In the world we live in if you leave and he takes you to court for contact he will get it and then you won't be there to protect your children. I left my abusive ex because he hurt our dd in a similar angry outburst- I posted for advice and got a resounding leave him to protect your children. Got insulted for not leaving immediately and called a terrible mother for thinking leaving immediately would be difficult. I felt so bad I left in a rush and he took me to court and got unsupervised contact. My children were scared of him and sometimes came home with marks that were so suspicious. Now my kids are older and know to getting upset will make him loose his temper and he has a new partner to do the childcare and I went grey rock so now he can't get an emotional response from me by hurting the kids things are better. My kids now could make disclosures if he was hurting them and possibly that would trigger safeguarding and I could protect them. But the reality is my leaving meant my kids were abused more, if I had that time again I would have focused on gathering evidence so he couldn't deny the abuse, I would have waited a couple more years before I left so that when cafcass investigated my children could have told them what was happening. My ex never wanted to look after the kids when we were together so in reality if I had just done everything and never asked hi. To care for them he would have been less likely to hurt them than how it worked out in the end.

It break my heart seeing time and again women being told to leave without planning how they will protect their kids within the system we have now. The family court CANNOT be relied upon to keep our kids safe. I met many women through woman's aid freedom program and the poor children were being forced to have contact and were suffering continued abuse from these men. Many of these women had loads of proof they were abusive and the kids had been hurt but the court frowned on the women as bad mothers alienating the kids fathers.

Obviously I'm not saying stay indefinitely. But please god don't assume the family court will protect your children. You need to be very smart with how you approach this.