To think I have autism or ADHD? I can’t cope anymore and want to die

[ThisTipsyQuoter]

I’m writing this in tears, I want to just end it all. I am 21 and have just been told today, 6 weeks into a cafe waitressing job that I’m unlikely to survive my probation period with them. Got quite upset and sought comfort from my partner when I got home who instead got frustrated and said he doesn’t see how we’ll manage our plans for the future (kids, saving a house deposit) if I can’t even hold down a basic minimum wage job, and he has a fair point.

I have always been like this, I feel like there is something wrong with me. I try to run away from my problems but I’ve realised the problem is with me. As a child, I had an autism assessment (which found me to be neurotypical) by my pre-school as I had selective mutism. I was perfectly fine, chatty and happy at home with my parents - I came from a stable family. But I’d go into pre-school and was 100% mute. I can’t remember why I was like this or what my thought process was, and that’s highly frustrating. This continued until the age of 7 where I began to whisper to other children, and by the end of Year 6 I was fully verbal and had a lovely group of friends. I was always very much into imaginative play up until the age of 10/11, which I feel I should have grown out of by then.

Starting high school was traumatic for me, I lasted a month. I couldn’t cope. I kept losing my timetable, planner, P.E kit. I couldn’t make sense of the layout of the building or homework. I would become incredibly overwhelmed at lunch time with kids bustling through the corridors. I had some sort of nervous breakdown that terrified my poor mum so much that she withdrew me from school to home educate me as she genuinely thought I was going to kill myself if forced to go, and she was probably right.

Home education was okay for me, my mum found a lovely tutor who did group sessions of 5 or 6 kids who also couldn’t cope with school and we had lessons at the local community centre. I did my GCSE’s with her and smashed them, I was able to be very academic in the right environment. I did an access course at college (this was the height of Covid so there was no social aspect, it was all online) and smashed it, and I have just finished my first year of a bachelor’s degree in an allied health profession. I have smashed all of my assignments, but I haven’t made a single friend or even had a proper conversation with any of my peers. I try but I stumble over my words and I find it genuinely exhausting.

I’m also losing my motivation for my degree. I remember I had a phase of really wanting to work in the NHS/Healthcare, and it became somewhat of an obsession. I watched so many dramas or documentaries about working in one specific profession and did so much research and I thought “this must be my niche!”. But then a few weeks into uni I just didn’t give a shit anymore and I’ve struggled to get back that initial feeling of euphoria. I passed placements in first year by the skin of my teeth, they said they felt I wasn’t engaging and didn’t show enough interest in the subject. I lied to my partner and said I’d had brilliant feedback from placements, because I’m so mortified by the reality. He was so proud of me and I don’t deserve it. I can’t see how I’ll pass next placement, so uni is probably fucked. I’ve had other fleeting obsessions before, in my teen years it was a character from a TV show. I also desperately want a baby, but I think that's a hormonal thing rather than an autism/ADHD thing and I am managing to keep it under control.

Now, onto jobs. My first job was waitressing but this was the height of Covid when it was dead, I was barely there and then quit a few months in because the commute home at night was a bit dodgy and I had a traumatic incident with a drunken customer. I then moved onto a bartender job. This was a small Italian restaurant where they only had one bartender on at a time and I thrived, I had my own little “station” to manage as I pleased without other staff members hovering. I am quite clumsy and dropped trays often but I was so good at the general management of the bar that the owners loved me, and this really built up my confidence.

My positive feedback in that job helped me decide I wanted try working abroad for a while, and I used an agency to land me a hotel front desk job in a country I was fascinated with, and accommodation was included. I got a 2 year visa. They sacked me after 3 months. My probation failure meeting discussed how I was “awkward and robotic” and “struggled to speak to guests”. This mentally destroyed me, I felt so attacked and not like a normal human being. My manager also said that I “confuse the hell out of everybody” and that I “appear to have a lot of hidden anger”. I was so confused, I don’t have a combative personality and I like to think I am kind and caring, so this was heartbreaking.

I flew home and didn’t leave my bed for a few months. I then got a job at a phone shop and that was actually fine for me, sitting at a computer suited me and I worked with 2 blokes who were very relaxed and not overly chatty. We had a laugh from time to time but I was mostly left to my own devices and it was lovely, I also was great at the actual work. I left as I was starting the get the interest in healthcare at this point and wanted some more relevant experience.

This is when I became a support worker for autistic, deaf and/or blind children, and I was wonderful at bonding with the children and understanding their needs, they really took to me. But I didn’t cope on one-to-one outings with the children. I would leave their lunchboxes on the bus, or forget their medication schedules and panic, mix up the details in their care plans etc. I knew that this was absolutely not on and I knew that my clumsiness was actively endangering the children, so I did the responsible thing of resigning. I knew I had to quit when my poor manager had to spend her evening trying to find a child’s backpack that I had left in McDonald’s, as it had essential medication in. I fucking hated myself.

Finally, my most recent job that I started 6 weeks ago is a waitressing role in a cafe. I have just moved in with my partner of a year and moved an hour away. I’ve coped with the move and new town okay, but I’m struggling with the job. I have a weird ability to smash interviews and really impress the interviewer, and then by the end of my first month they are wondering what the fuck happened. I think I can mask whatever is wrong with me for short periods but then it comes out eventually. I smashed the first 2 weeks of this waitressing job and was told I was excelling and that I had the potential to move up to supervisor in a few months, but now I’m really struggling to keep up with my tables and remember who needs to pay, who’s ordered what etc. I had a table with a peanut allergy come in the other week and I didn’t trust myself at all, I had to ask a manager to do it which isn’t a good look. I’m 21 and they have 16 year olds there who manage the job fine. All my managers talk to me like a child and I think they find me quite weird. I was sat waiting for my lift after finishing my shift the other day and one of my managers kept staring at me and she looked utterly baffled but never approached me. It’s like I bewilder people. They discussed in the probation meeting today that they don’t think I’m coping and that I may not be right for the team but they said they won’t decide fully until the end of my probation, but I’m quite clearly done for.

I have been in bits ever since, it’s a basic fucking waitressing job, 16 year olds can and do work this job and are fine. I think I’d work best in a job where I’m left to my own devices to get things done, rather than in a team where I really struggle with understanding the dynamics, politics etc - but I don’t know what jobs would have this structure. Ideally something where I'm left to work on a project independently then report to a manager weekly sounds bliss to me, but those jobs typically require degrees and experience.

I genuinely feel like I have some sort of brain damage sometimes. I’m starting to think I must have ADHD or autism but I’m scared to pursue the diagnosis.
As for seeking a diagnosis, my partner is from an Eastern European country when everybody is expected to just get on with it and not dwell on anything or seek a diagnosis, and I think if I told him I wanted to pursue a diagnosis he’d really struggle to get his head around it. I also think my mum would be in denial and would give me a hard time, my older brother has autism and she always says she’s glad she has a neurotypical daughter to help with his care in the future. I feel so alone, as I sit here tonight I feel like killing myself. I can’t cope with adult life at all. Please somebody reply I desperately need support I’m in floods of tears

Also just to add the thing I have learned to break the cycle of chasing different goals then losing interest, is to focus on aligning values and behaviour and break things into steps

Ignore the very unhelpful unsympathetic comment from HolyJackaMoly above OP.

You write beautifully and have very good insight. I’m sorry things are so hard at the moment. I think seeing your GP urgently tomorrow would be helpful. And student support services definitely - I’m wondering if they can adapt your course (eg give you placements more suited to your interests), or support developing the communication skills you want? As others have said there are lots of neurodiverse staff in the NHS. Pursuing an official diagnosis would be helpful though.
I’m also wondering if you can be more open with your partner about how things are going so they can support you? You said you haven’t told the truth about your feedback previously. I think it could be making you feel more alone. If it was my partner, I would want to know. And if they can’t support you and be loving and kind I would be questioning if that is the right kind of relationship…

i agree with what you have said about a different kind of job. You sound so clever, thoughtful and capable. You are very young and many young people struggle to adapt to new jobs, need to develop new skills etc. Your self worth is not defined by your ability to waitress. You have so much to give and life to live xxx

Please don't give up. The pain and humiliation of the waitressing job will fade. You have many skills and would be better suited to other jobs. Do chase the ASD-ADHD diagnosis though, much of what you described is typical, especially ADHD.

When I had neuropsychological testing, they discovered I have problems with certain areas of cognition, mostly visual processing and spatial awareness. Apparently this explains why I've spent my entire life getting lost (even within care homes and hospitals I worked in) and why it takes me longer than others to memorise patterns or processes, such as how to operate a cash register! I got sacked from several minimum wage jobs as a student, including a job within the university that I thought I was doing well at. I remember crying for days over that. My bf got frustrated too, but 20+ years later we're happily married with 2 kids. I scraped through 3 uni degrees (2 post grad ones as kept changing mind about career) then worked for 10 years in NHS, flitting from job to job and making some great friends along the way. DH's career meant I needed to change jobs in the early years, plus mat leaves and childcare issues, then some health issues, but NHS is good as you can take up to 2 years out without losing the continuous service benefits you accrue over time. This meant I could take NHS contracts and time out in between permanent roles.

I'm now a SAHM (my choice, mostly because I was getting exhausted by juggling work with motherhood... and also we're now in a place where I don't need to earn, and it's actually better if I don't because DH's job isn't very flexible when it comes to childcare issues).

Focus on your strengths.

Have you tried medication? Depression and anxiety will make everything worse.

Get a neuropsychological assessment (about £150 privately) it may pick up certain areas of cognition you have trouble with.

The waiting list for ASD ADHD assessments is a year or 2, so get on the list asap. Many of your symptoms sound like ADHD, medication for this can be life changing.

OT can be a great career if you have ASD/ADHD. Don't worry too much about talking to people, mostly you need to listen and take notes, then write it all up. In most MH OT jobs you get whole afternoons to write up assessments, the pace is much slower.

Managing the caseload could be tricky, but you can get around this by asking ward staff or bed managers who the priority patients for assessment are, which also helps joined up working between professionals. Or ask at MDTs, nursing staff know the patients really well so can flag up priorities.

Discharge coordinators (in hospitals) are often delighted to work closely with OTs, it's mutually beneficial as they manage your caseload for you and in return you help to free up beds for them. Also prevents you pottering around in a panic wondering what to do next. IME they often take newly qualified OTs under their wing.

Re uni, I would talk to your GP and get a letter explaining your distress and cognitive difficulties that are likely to be caused by ND. They should make adjustments and give you extra time and support (especially as you're on an OT course, a core belief of OT is helping people overcome obstacles to live a happier, more productive and independent life!)

Do you feel better about yourself now for kicking someone else who is obviously distressed?

Loser.

You are me op...i am undiagnosed though. I did so well on my ahp course academically but like you, struggled with placements. Your dp sounds unsupportive. Never mind him atm...focus on you.

You are showing really good self-insight, but please be kinder to yourself. You just need to find the right role to suit your strengths - which I'm sure are many.
My DH is autistic and so are my DC. I think, in the interests of furthering your self-understanding, exploring a diagnosis would be helpful for you.
Difficulties with executive function can be crippling and it's not a personal failing x

Get an assessment . You dont need to " toughen up and get on with it" ...you can't if you have adhd/ autism. You need diagnosis.
Ever thought about working in IT or with animals instead?

Please go easy on yourself OP, it sounds like you’re trying really hard and are getting burnt out. I’d recommend speaking to someone about interrupting your studies temporarily - you can have time off and come back, or you could transfer to a different course. If you decided to do something else entirely you’ve only used 1 year of funding so would still be able to do another degree. If you start your second year and later decide it’s not for you, you will be in a worse position for funding future courses.

I’d also really recommend you speak to your university’s disability service over the summer, they will be able to talk to you about diagnosis and support. Some unis offer ADHD assessments at least which would open up support to you. You could look at the right to choose pathway - problem shared offer assessment for both autism and ADHD https://www.problemshared.net/right-to-choose

I'd also recommend finding people online with autism/ADHD. Neurodivergent_lou on insta is brilliant, as is it’semilykaty.

I hope this is helpful!

There are remote ot jobs too op. I often see assessor roles for dwp advertised which is work from home and presumably just speaking to clients on the phone then writing up the assessment. Sounds ideal if you can manage placements.

Also, the placement and educator will make such a difference. Not all have mdt meetings, a community placement might suit you much better than a hospital. Try not to give up, ot is huge and there'll be something out there you can make work for you!

Some of what you describe resonates with me. I found factory work excruciatingly boring, so not sure if you will enjoy it or not. I was the world’s worst barmaid, tried it twice and got let go both times for smashing too many glasses and being forgetful.I also got let go from Tesco checkouts because I couldn’t find the barcodes and was too slow. Office work has suited me down to the ground and sounds like the phone shop job style work. I loved doing a data entry job, anything admin really. I now have a great career in TV doing an analytical admin type role. I would say I learnt to fake the social interaction thing very well over the years, it is possible. I also overreacted emotionally a lot at your age, but have got that under control too. Don’t despair, you are 21 and finding your feet. You sound intelligent and you will get there.

Firstly you’re young and most young people are still trying to find their ‘thing’ at 21. It can be quite a journey (over decades sometimes) find a job or career which plays to their strength's,

Go get some proper careers advice this week, be brutally honest about what you do well and what you struggle with when answering strength's. You could do this online through the Morrisby Test. You do know that hotel work in which you offer a service to one person at a time is a strength and working independently with a process is a strength. Multi tasking or dealing with multiple people at the same time is too overwhelming.

Take the Morrisby test asap for career ideas, being proactive will give you hope in the midst of feeling like a failure. You just need a bit of help to find the right career which suits your strengths. You might find that an apprenticeship is a more suitable option than a degree? Lots of people link their self worth to their work success but this is a recipe for disaster as everyone has jobs or tasks they struggle with.

Also look for a counsellor who works with autistic adults so that you can start to share and explore your worries. If you do feel extremely suicidal ring the Samaritans or present yourself at A&e.

Go to your GP, explain your job issues/suicidal feelings and ask for an autism assessment. The wait will likely be a couple of years.The doctor may prescribe antidepressants too and you could add ways trial a very low dose if interested or ask for alternatives. However medication can be really helpful with some people once past that initial couple of weeks which can be quite tricky.

You don’t need your mum or partners approval to do any of this, you don’t even need to discuss things with them if you don’t want to. You could get the morrisby test and careers advice, see your GP about an autism assessment and get a counselling and afterwards tell your loved ones once everything is in place. An unsupportive partner is likely to be the wrong partner for you. While you cannot live your life to please your mum, you need to make independent adult decisions about what’s best for you.

Can you transfer to an occupational therapist course or OT assistant job inwhich you can train?

Firstly it's finding the right job and structure that works for you. There is no way I could work as a waitress or bartender - tried and failed terribly as have poor working memory

Agree with this. You clearly have a skill set but keep trying to do jobs at things that hit on your weak spots not your strengths. What’s that an Einstein quote? ‘We are all geniuses, but if you tell a fish he must ride a bicycle he will spend his whole life believing he is stupid’.

I was a terrible waitress, also terrible at cleaning hotel rooms. I have poor short term working memory. Those jobs just were not for me. Went on to a decent career in stuff I could do, compensates for my poor memory by keeping records of everything I did.

You are very young, far too young to give up, you just need to find a job that plus to your abilities and strengths.

So you’re on an OT course now? It sounds like a good possible career as I’d assume a lot of 1-1 working when qualified? Agree that you need to talk to uni, both your personal tutor, student support and mentors on placement. If you are struggling they will try and help.

they say there’s a lot of neurodivergent nhs workers as th e structure of nhs work combined with policies, etc is quite a good fit. I have ADHD and suspect I’m autistic and worked as a midwife for many years. I felt putting on the uniform was playing a role in some ways. Out of work I get overwhelmed and exhausted by noise, confusion, etc….i have to walk out of busy areas or shops as i can’t cope.

i wouldn’t worry too much about the waitressing. I couldn’t do it, it’s not the end of the world. Alternatively if you do pass probation can you just do stuff because you know it should be done (ie the small talk with your table) even though you don’t see the point. Guess it’s all part of masking.

Just popping on to say you are not alone.
I'm seeking an assessment at 57 after yrs of doing ok.
I believe menopause can bring out more symptoms.
My last job I struggled with the new environment as my colleagues didn't like me.
They decided not to speak to me at all.
I was diagnosed as weird odd by them.
I've always worked with men who I find easier as they were always more direct.
I work in hospitality and would say it's not for everyone.
I love the constant pressure and adrenaline tbh.
I don't like people breathing down my neck though and have massive red.
You will find your niche.

@ThisTipsyQuoter I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling. I relate so much to what you've said.

I spent my childhood and teen years doing really well academically but could not cope with the social demands of school at all. University was ok as I managed to do a lot of self study rather than attend lectures all the time.

When I started work it was awful. I would come across really well in interviews, and had high academic grades, so again, no one understood why I couldn't cope with the most basic of jobs. My best job was a temp job where I was alone in a small office all day, organising volunteers. I didn't have any co workers so it was bliss!

Marriage and dc were also very hard for me due to all the demands. My dc are now teens which makes things easier.

I'm now in my forties. I finally got an ADHD diagnosis a few years ago, and I'm sure I'm also on the autistic spectrum. It really helped me to focus on my needs, and work with my strengths, rather than keep on getting into situations I couldn't deal with.

Now I work part time for a mental health charity. I work with clients and also have some lovely co workers. It's the best place I could work for. I don't know if it's due to the fact that the whole ethos of the charity is to help people with mental health conditions, but it's so inclusive, and my manager and the other co workers really understand neurodiversity. If I am struggling with attending a big meeting, or don't want to go on a team building day or whatever, I don't have to.

I would really recommend working in a sector where they understand neurodiversity - it makes such a difference. And I think a diagnosis (if you wanted it) would help with self acceptance and also other people understanding you.

I'm sorry things are so tough at the moment, but I promise things can get better!

It sounds like you might have dyspraxia as you say you are clumsy and slow and get overwhelmed with too much going on at once but your intellectual skills are good. Dyspraxia often goes with autistic symptoms too. Have you thought of legal careers where you can use your head. A Humanities degree might also suit you. You might also benefit from going to a campus university where you could meet people on a similar intellectual wavelength. I psychology degree could lead to working as an educational psychologist with children including those who can't cope with school-,which you have experience of

Firstly, you sound lovely OP and there will definitely be jobs out there that will be perfect for you.

I agree you should pursue a diagnosis, you don't have to tell your mum until it's done. Girls often mask better than boys so get a later diagnosis.

Even while you are awaiting assessment you can ask for reasonable adjustments at work or on a placement. Are you still doing your OT degree? If so, the uni will be able to contact the placement before you go and let them know the things you find difficult and what would support you eg you may need longer to process questions or write things down, support managing admin tasks etc. If they know you are ND they are more likely to understand you and adapt their communication. So if I have an ASD student I make sure any questions I ask are direct and relevant and clear. I follow their lead but if they don't appear comfortable with eye contact I will avoid that. I try to be sensitive to the fact that masking is exhausting and would try to let them be themselves as much as possible, whatever that involves.

But remember there is nothing wrong with you. You are a person, with intelligent thoughts and feelings who deserves to thrive.

The fact that you are so good at interviews is fantastic. Maybe you will have to try out lots of jobs before you find the one for you, but that's fine. Don't let your partner put you down and tell you that's a bad thing, it isn't.

Think really hard about what you're of working environment would suit you and what you would enjoy, then go for it. Remember, you are young so there is no hurry. Don't let your partner pressure you into marriage and kids before you are ready.

Good luck 🤞

Hi ThisTipsyQuoter,

We're sorry you're feeling this way.

We can see you're getting a lot of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters here on your thread, but we thought we'd add a link to our Mental Health resources, for you and anyone else who's feeling low. There are many organisations listed which could give you some support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

We also wanted to let you know about a text service called Shout - please click on this link for further information - giveusashout.org. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who's struggling to cope. They can help with a range of issues including anxiety and depression or if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Sending good wishes.

I also think my mum would be in denial and would give me a hard time, my older brother has autism and she always says she’s glad she has a neurotypical daughter to help with his care in the future. I feel so alone, as I sit here tonight I feel like killing myself. I can’t cope with adult life at all. Please somebody reply I desperately need support I’m in floods of tears.
Im sorry if you're mum would feel this way, that's not ok. That responsibilty shouldn't be put on you . Even before she got her own diagnosis I would never put that on my DD or want her to feel responsible for her brothers. I hope that if your mum knew how you've been feeling that would change how she sees things. My DDs Autism presents very differently to her brothers, youngest DS is somewhere in-between. DDs high achieving, masks really well, not out of primary yet and already had some serious mental health issues. She's starting to find things harder at the end of primary school, it isn't unusual for an Autistic child to get to a point when they can't mask anymore, often at a time of transition, so start of highschool, start of university. There's all sorts that can play into this like sensory issues, increasing complexity of social relationships, the cost of masking overtime can wear you down, sometimes just living in an NT world gets too hard. Your struggles do sound to me like you're ND, but also what you write there's a lot of great ND characteristics in there too. Its more I think like PPs said you need to find your niche. If you want a diagnosis Id pursue that, I think its good to know yourself and know for sure. Make sure you see someone though who has experience diagnosing women who mask well, it can be a very different presentation of Autism and not all those who provide diagnosis are equally good. Im not sure if Id say ASD or ADHD from this. If you can find and afford someone that does both assessments that might be a good way to go.

I've seen similar stories many times in the ND support groups Im in on FB, except often much longer time frames. For people in my generation a lot are just questioning now in their 30s or 40s, often as their kids get diagnosed and they can see those similarities in themselves. Our understanding of ND is still in its infancy, but there is a lot more information about than their was 20 years ago.

You mentioned selective mutism as a child, my DS had this during preschool for 6 months. My DD also had it at times when overwhelming. I don't know if you still experience it? The ND community where I sm use the term situational mutism, Its felt this is a more accurate interpretation of it, selective can sound like its a choice when its not. Its caused by what you're experiencing at the time, its something that is happening to you. It means the situation you're in is completely overwhelming. So something about school overwhelmed you. That could have been anxiety, but I think more likely given what you've posted it was related to being ND and finding the situation overwhelming with sensory input and so on.

All 3 of my DC are Autistic, I think its nice they have that in common and can understand each other better because their thinking has deep similarities. Though it can also cause fights. I think I probably have ADHD too, or the ADD version of it. I don't know how the rest of your relationship with your mum is, if you were my DD Id want to know so I could support you, but you're the best judge of if its worth sharing how you're feeling with her. Go easy on yourself OP. You might feel you should have everything sorted at this age, but that's really not a requirement. Your 20s can be a good time to find out who you are and find a place where you fit and where you're happy. You don't need to have all the answers, give yourself some time and grant yourself some grace, you deserve that. You can get through this and find a place you fit and are happy. Remember you are loved. Sometimes the people we love make feel worse because they react from fear or misunderstanding or lack of patience. That doesn't mean they don't love you, the just don't always get you.

Hey! It sounds like it’s strongly possible- even things like mentioning you are clumsy (did you know that hypermobility and/or dyspraxia tend to be comorbid with autism!). It tends to run in families as well. My daughter is diagnosed, I am not but I am very clearly also autistic as is my dad. I have accepted that I am although without a diagnosis (I do intend to seek one one day soon). I sound very (very) similar to you but 20 years down the line!

You can still accommodate yourself and find work that suits you without the diagnosis. I found the experience of work very similar to you. I was very academic and trained as a lawyer but never practiced. I was then a (qualified) social worker for a while and found I was strangely good at the support side of thing despite jobs that involve “normal” social skills being hell for me. I didn’t enjoy the meetings etc though. I went on to other things until I found something that worked for me. It’s not easy but you’re not broken and you will figure out things that work.

There are ways you can help yourself- sneaky ways to take mental/sensory breaks and reset and manage the stress in social situations. You learn your limits. You learn more about neurotypical people and how they work. Sometimes just accepting the fact you are autistic lets you let go of the sense of being broken and makes life easier. I can’t post whole lists about things like this that might help as it would be too long, but if you want to talk feel free to DM me.

The private educational psychologist who assessed DS for dyslexia had AuDHD. She did the initial assessments on zoom to assess liklihood of diagnosis, then travelled to our house to complete the assessment. It made the day less intense for her and her clients because it put the travel break in the middle. It was her difficulties that put her on that course and she managed to arrange her working life in a way to work for her.

I wouldn't touch a waitressing/ bar job with a 10ft bargepole. Too clumsy. Too forgetful. Can't focus and process through background noise. No one was looking out for high-functioning ND girls in the 90s... but I do have an autistic, dyspraxic son, both children are dyslexic and I do wonder about ND traits in DS2...

Start the diagnistic pathway. Where you can, adapt your life in a AuHDH way. Fill your life with understanding people. You can't try harder your way out of this because it leads to burn out and shut down.

You're not broken, just pushing yourself down the wrong hole with the wrong instruction manual. You're young with a lot of potential when you've got the right niche and the right adaptions.

I'm double your age and still not sure what I want to do when I grow up, and whether I've spent 20 years barking up the wrong trees.

I'm not at all an expert in this but some of the things you said made me wonder about dyspraxia. A friend was diagnosed a few years ago and it said it really made sense of his historic clumsiness and what he characterised as scattiness. Could be worth looking into? It sounds like you're really doing a great job and being very proactive in the face of setbacks.