Anxious about teen and DH, actually no, anxious about me.

[Shinypalace]

just realised I have had a level of anxiety for years about our child,16 being bored, and in case he is depressed, lonely. And for DH who is always exhausted and stressed.
and, I’ve just realised, for me. I’m finding it impossible to get unstuck and to find the mojo I’m sure I once had. I think a lot went when we had some major dices with death, and this house has never felt like I live here.
I don’t ever feel like I have a plan. I think I feel like I’ve put myself on the back burner, hovering around until someone wants dinner, washing etc.
im ineffectual at getting anything done - I’ll procrastinate getting quotes for a bathroom even though I’d love one. I procrastinate on doing my hobby. I get kind of .. just stuck. Really stuck. Then I get depressed and more stuck and miserable.
any tips on how to move forward/ get excited , get stuff moving?! Am fairly desperate!

It can hard, when you've spent many years putting everyone else first, to get back into the mindset of accepting your happiness is as equally important as those around you. Have you spoken to your husband about working together to set mutual goals (the bathroom) and individual ones, such as reducing his stress and increasing your sense of purpose? Would a joint/family hobby be a option?

Thank you eyesooen I’ve noticed one or two of your comments on other threads and am struck by how sensible and caring you sound. You wrote a comment about anxiety where you tell the child inside,‘I’m the adult and I’ve got this, no need for you to worry’ I’ve bookmarked it as it made such sense.
oh it’s somehow pasted isteslef here! Must be A Sign! (That I need to learn how to use this iPad) this was great..

If it's "OMG, what are we going to worry about today?" then take a deep breath and talk to those emotions in the same way you'd talked to a child who's worried about random 'stuff'. Say out loud or internally - "I'm a adult, I will keep me safe and I will deal with any challenges the day brings in the same way I always do, I will cope. So you don't need to panic because I've got this." Because that's what humans do. They cope, they adapt, they come up with solutions - maybe not perfect but good enough. Once the subconscious knows there's an adult in charge it will relax. ‘

are you into parts therapy at all?
re goals, DH full time, therefore I do all the other stuff (part time). It can be off putting because he can vetoe something at the last minute then come up with his own solution, so I just need to be a bit stronger.
family hobby is a great idea, though a challenge!
thank you very much 💐

are you into parts therapy at all?

Well spotted! Yes, parts therapy forms the basis of my work :)

Ooh! I need to know more! I’ve just discovered parts therapy and it makes a lot of sense. Cbt seems more , well immediately practical, like talking to your mum, but how brilliant to address the underlying thought processes.

Happy to chat - or have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis.

I’m looking! I’m a BIg fan of hypnosis. Had it for birth, amazing.
what follows is me thinking out loud - no need to respond - though obviously words of wisdom always welcome. I should be writing in a journal not a public forum!
when I do talk to DH, it feels like he’ll always say no. When I delve deeper to find the reasons he gets irritated. Usually the reasons are reasonable - he just doesn’t share them with me, so I end up feeling very disempowered and then I can’t make a decision -because he’ll say no/ be irritated. It’s a small thing but I’ve just (re)noticed it, and realsied how confidence sapping it is.
admittedly I do leave half finished diy jobs! Maybe a word of encouragement would be nice, if I ask for this he tells me I’m not a child.
Written out that sounds pretty miserable.
tips, and a nice hypnotic trance welcome!

That resonated with me! I recently asked my DP to do something I wasn't able to do myself and he said he'd do it when he finished a long list of other stuff (not unreasonable, he was busy) and it took me straight back to being a small child and having to 'beg' my dad for my sixpence pocket money - yes, I'm that old! - and being told I'd get it when he was ready. Utter, impotent frustration.

Do you feel as though your relationship is one of equals? Do you admire each others strengths (and voice those thoughts)?

eyesooen that’s fascinating , its amazing how strongly a memory with a feeling can come back isn’t it?
I don’t know if it’s equals as such! Somehow I gave up work for the kids, and am now finding a new path, self employed. i think it could be ok, it’s a bit ad hoc atm, and where I thrive with encouragement, which I get off friends, he wants me to have a regular income and a decent wage, tricky as I’m 60 all of a sudden!
I don’t know if I’m scared because I’m protecting myself or scared because I need his encouragement.
but either way I’m scared and yet another day passes in procrastination.
I’m beginning to get glimpses of the old, confident me, I know she’s in There!

Ps thank you for responding! So lovely of you!

Hello @Shinypalace . Quite a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. I realise that I have been anxious firstly about DS1 -loads of ND, big battles for schools, benefits, etc. he is an amazing adult and now lives in his own place so that has subsided but his school days were constant daily, if not hourly stress. DS2 - type 1 diabetic. Lovely chap but acedemia was a struggle and I had to be involved. Now an adult. So just when things were ok, I got a dog. Now all my anxiety is on the furry beast. She is lovely but can be reactive sometimes but not all the time. She's just a dog but if she has a moment it can send me into a swirl of anxiety which affects my health badly and takes several days to recover.

Sorry. I am the same age as you. Got very down last year as realised that apart from work, I had nothing. Took up a very accessible sport and that has been good and have made new acquaintances. Fortunately I have a lovely DH. Just sending you solidarity and supportive vibes.

Hellopippatpip lovely to hear from you! I’m glad you’ve found a sport and new chums, that’s admirably proactive!
it sounds like you’ve had to put everyone else in front of you for a LOOOONNNG thine, and have done really well for your two DSs, that cannot have been easy. Big hugs and a big well done, massive achievement.
i keep wondering about a dog as well, I didn’t get one when the kids were small as I felt I had enough people to look after. -I also swirled into anxiety with my brothers dog - worried so much that I wasn’t throwing the ball enough, paying him enough attention , it’s wierd isn’t it. I wonder if it would have been good for the kids, and me.

ive just spent another day not producing anything. I seem to fall into a muddle and start things while I’m doing other things then get totally confused and exhausted, surely I’ve learnt by now. You’d think!
lovely to hear from you. Nice to feel there’s real people out there x