It's too long and hard to type it all out - I wouldn't know where to start.
I am very very unhappy and have been for around twelve years.
I am stuck in a toxic marriage and we both feel financially and emotionally trapped.
DH is REALLY hard. I think he is depressed but he is basically negative or angry all the time. He has no friends and nowhere to go so won't/can't leave. But he freely admits he dislikes me and being around me. I have zero family. Actually none and only a couple of friends who are surface friends - nobody else. I am financially in a mess and cannot afford to leave.
DD is 18 and we have been trying to get her support for her mental health for five years now. She is extremely volatile and GP has mentioned various possibilities including BPD / Autism / ADHD / Borderline - but we just can't seem to get in front of anyone useful. She is extremely resistant to help and self sabotages most of the help I try to get her anyway. She would rather kick off and get her rage out as and when it suits her
DD2 is quietly coping but cannot be having a good time in this toxic house
DS ditto
I am not ok.
The house is toxic. We cannot speak to eachother without arguing. DD1 and DH especially, have really destructive, screaming fights several times a week.
There is nothing joyful or nice to look forward to. We have not been on holiday for seven years. DH says he will never go away with me or DD1 again as we have 'ruined his life'. I cannot afford to go alone. I cannot afford take kids without him.
I go nowhere. No gym/bars/parties/friends/dinners/nothing, We do nothing. I am going mad.
If I try and talk things through with either DH or DD, they turn on me and tell me I am the problem.
I want to smash my head into a wall
I tried talking to the GP but they were useless. Just offered me antidepressents which will mask the problem but ultimately make me feel worse and just waste my life.
I have no friends to talk to.
I feel like this is my life forever
I think about ending it but know i can't really.
What could I do instead?