Can I rewire my brain

[TedIreneAndOld]

I'm now in my 30s and realised my life has been a bit crap maybe
Parents controlling. Mum was awful at times. Either obsessively controlling or not interested. Often cruel. Sibling not much better. I struggled in school to get relationships. Struggled through uni. Always on the periphery really
During my work life and personal life lots of disappointments and criticisms. People making comments about my intelligence and looks.
Married someone because I was too scared to pull out. We are divorced and have a child so I'm never free of him.
Can I rewire my brain?!?

No, but you can learn to recognise that nothing about you needs rewiring. That's the glitch in your thinking that's causing you problems: the 'there's something wrong with me, and if only I could fix it, I'd be happy' glitch.

There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to fix yourself. You don't need to change. You need to recognise that if something happens/somebody does something, and you don't like it, then you need to take responsibility for yourself, rather than just declare yourself 'damaged'. You need to respect your feelings, rather than deeming them to be faults.

I have been asked if I'm autistic by some people! I don't think I am!
I just ruminate on things. Things that were said about my ability in my job, my looks and things that happened 20 plus years ago

What do you do to nurture the parts of you that feel that way?

I just try to forgot about things but I can't

I was very my much brought up to not make a fuss which is so damaging

Right, so that's the problem: you were raised to silence your problems, and so now, the way you deal with your problems is to silence them. And that's why you want to rewire your brain, right? So that it will shut up and stop bothering you?

Can you see the disrespect in that? All the people who have bothered you have expected you to simply 'not be bothered', because it was inconvenient for them. Rude of them: after all, you are allowed your feelings, right? Except what you're now doing to yourself is to try to find a way to 'not be bothered'. But you are bothered, and so rather than looking for ways to dismiss that feeling, it's time to do something to make it feel better.

Does that make sense?

Yes I think so. I always end up in odd people pleasing situations. I've been in godawful relationships because I feel sorry for them and I tried to fix them. I've sat there smiling whilst people have told me I'm unattractive (I'm not) and stupid (I'm not)

What happens when these people criticise you? In terms of your response, I mean: what do you feel like saying/doing, and what do you actually say/do?

I just ignore it or tell them that's not pleasant and think they're utter cunts

And then cut them out of your life?

Well some are family and some are work colleagues so I can't really. But I'll never go out my way for them again

Not sure how you go about finding a psychologist who specializes in biofeedback but yes you can change thought patterns.
if nothing else research the technique.

How are your relationships with them, now, after they've transgressed your boundaries? Do they just keep doing it, or do you keep your distance? It sounds like you wish you could cut them out, but you can't. What stops you getting a different job, where people respect you, and get bollocked if they don't? What stops you cutting out family members, or refusing to see them unless they speak to you respectfully?

It seems like you are holding yourself in situations where you are disrespected, then looking to rewire yourself so that you can be happy and comfortable with being disrespected. Does that look about right? Why would you try to be ok with being disrespected? Can you see how that's silencing your own boundaries, rather than respecting them?