Y8 and self harm.

[Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky]

Help needed.

I take my (just) 13yo's phone off her at night however I have just today discovered she has taken her old phone out of a drawer and been using it on wifi.

I noticed an odd named app on the Home Screen and looking at it - it's a self harm tracker.

It tracks how long since she harmed which is 2 weeks and there are days that it showed she harmed. It goes back about 2 months. I have no idea how she is harming.m, I didn't know it was happening at all.

Where do I go from here? I don't know who to speak to. Do I speak to Senco, the gp find her a counsellor?

She refuses to talk about feelings at all which is an existing issue. She is also suspected adhd although school won't refer at the moment.

I appreciate how shocked and distressed you must be. Speak to your GP, who can guide you through the steps for helping with both ADHD referral and the best way to support your daughter with regard to self harm.

So sorry to hear this. We had this earlier in year with our Y8, and it is so upsetting to find out. Our GP has been great, we also got a referral to CAHMS but nothing more from them after initial assessment and advice. Also suspected ADHD/autism here which we have discussed with GP but DD has chosen not to progress with exploring at this time. She now has a number on her phone for a support service that she can text if she is thinking of harming and a trained support worker will reply (although she hasn’t texted yet to my knowledge). We talked about making a self soothe box as well - if you google it suggestions will come up. She was very resistant to that, I don’t think she wants to acknowledge it as an ongoing issue.

I spent a lot of time with her 1:1 gardening, walking, baking alongside her when it first happened and just ‘being normal’ and prioritising her over siblings for quite a while. Eventually she started talking. We’ve extended when she can stay up so that she gets more time with us and we’ve got some things we watch together just her and I. Lots of hugs and cosying up together. Often that’s when she opens up. It’s made me realise how much I was leaving her to her own devices and focusing on younger ones, and it’s been hard on my relationship and squeezed out a lot of my ‘me’ time but it’s worth it. We have seen an improvement after some counselling through school too (although she says that wasn’t helpful).

Although nothing much seemed to be happening on her phone (no dubious websites or issues I could see in chats etc) I really reduced time of access to messaging right down with a limit per day and complete switch off by 9 (with exception of family numbers and support numbers). She hasn’t resisted this, I think she was finding WhatsApp a bit much with group chats pinging all the time and the anxiety of whether people were replying or not.

As well as overwhelm with the social side or school and homework etc, we’ve noticed a hormonal cycle impact - if it’s going to happen, it’ll be the week before her period when sometimes she will get a real low mood. She has also been diagnosed with anaemia which may have been contributing to low mood, we are early days with managing that but hoping getting that under control helps too.

Thanks @Judgementalbadgerface

Yes - she probably does spend too much time alone when at home with me and her sister - she will spend all weekend with friends though. Shes very social generally.

I try and get her out for walks etc but she won't engage - I think I need to throw some money at it and just make it going out for a Starbucks or shopping as that will probably work and get us time together.

She will not open up at all - this is something I am already aware of and hopefully working with the school on interventions to support - also self esteem ones.

She has a dad with adhd / anxiety and also an aunt on my side with severe mental health issues - probably undiagnosed autism at the root.

Although the referrals are for adhd I am beginning to wonder more and more if there is a crossover with autism as the refusal to discuss and engage is very much like her aunt (who also has a massive self harm history)

It’s so hard to get them engaged isn’t it - agree that throwing money at it is usually a good way in! Starbucks sounds like a great plan.

Just getting alongside her and emphasising to her how much you care will have a massive impact so don’t fret about the talking. I spent 3 days alone with DD recently just talking nonsense and sightseeing and it wasn’t until the afternoon of day 3 that a load of stuff just tipped out. It’s such a tough age and I think it is when the masking becomes impossible if there is ASD/ADHD in the mix. We have several family members with probable autism (either self diagnosed or undiagnosed) so it’s discussed in the family generally but it was DD’s counsellor who started to ask more focused questions around it and then DD reflected on it and said she did recognise elements in herself. That feels like it has been sufficient for now, but it was good to discuss pros and cons of seeking diagnosis with GP who was very relaxed about it and I think helped DD to understand that she might be, it might therefore make some things feel harder (navigating friendships for eg) but that’s ok.

Thanks @Judgementalbadgerface

Her dad has adhd / anxiety (adhd diagnosis only 2 months ago) my sister has severe mental health issues which I suspect is undiagnosed autism. I spoke to cahms today to their self harm support person and they have sent me some links.

I am due a call back from the gp at 3-5. Not heard back from school yet.

I am going to bring it up by text not face to face - she finds non verbal communication easier.

I actually booked us 2 nights in Paris for October half term this morning before I found this phone - just me and her without her sister. Hopefully that will be good for us to talk but it's obviously not for some months. She has been desperate to go (I have been and I hated it so I hope she is understanding the sacrifice I am making for her!). I don't think she has seen the calendar invite yet though.

Hello, I am sorry, it's shocking to find out I know. A few things:

This organisation is a useful resource: https://harmless.org.uk/
It is almost certainly not your fault or as a result of anything you did or didn't do - it took me a while to get my head around this one
Teens often use it as a release for emotions they can't discuss or manage
They will often struggle to stop, my child's counsellor talked to them about avoiding infection etc which is a small improvement
There is quite often no link between self harming and suicidal ideation although sometimes there can be
Don't blame her for it or show that you're shocked (hard I know)

My dd did this in year 8 as well. We paid for counselling and it's taken many, many years but she doesn't do it any more and she's a pretty happy young adult these days so they can come through it.

Good luck and look after yourself as well. It's so sad when you find this out and you can feel pretty powerless and upset so make sure you have support as well.

Thanks @QueenofTheBorg

Yes I had already identified she struggles to deal with emotions and feelings and talk about anything so it's not a surprise in some ways.

Hopefully it's still early stages, there was about 8 days in May and 6 in June according to the tracker, nothing shown for 2 weeks.

Nothing before May.

@QueenofTheBorg @Judgementalbadgerface

Well I texted her when she was home last night, said I wasn't going to go into why she had a phone in her room I didn't know about and I was a bit worried about an app I found.

She immediately said she knew the one and yes she had been doing it when she got stressed. She said just scratching so I was somewhat relieved but this morning i went to get something from her room and when she opened her bedside drawer to give it to me there was a pair of scissors - they weren't there yesterday as I had looked.

So today I am in the office but I need to get her dad to come round and blitz her room, also put away most of our knives and scissors. I have no idea if it's ok to keep one of each out in the kitchen for example for cooking and just make sure I know where they are at all times. Maybe take them
Up to my room when I go to bed. But even this then involves explaining to her older sister why I have had to do that.

School didn't call me back yesterday so I need to chase them today.

@Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky that is great you’ve broached the subject and she has responded. At least it is out in the open now. We removed all kitchen knives apart from two and supervised her at all times in kitchen for several weeks. We are at the point now where I will trust her but it’s taken a few months. It felt a lot like having a toddler again. We were fortunate not to have to leave her home alone but if I had I would have hidden all knives/scissors.

Bear in mind that self harm seems to be something that is very present in general chat with this group of girls and it might be something she is just trying out. With my DD she said she scratched her arms for several years before cutting herself. Getting it out in the open is a great step forward. If you can, the next step is to talk about infection risk and staying safe. The GP will help with this too. I’ll try and find the videos I watched with DD, I think it was this site:

www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/my-feelings/self-harm/

It’s all really hard, sending you a big hug.

@Judgementalbadgerface

When speaking to cahms yesterday I remembered that a couple of years ago she scratched herself a few times when she was stressed. I think it's probably not that uncommon in her friendship group.

A couple of months ago she went to a local fair and a friend with them (slightly more friend of a friend) said she was going to run away. They thought she was joking but she did - police were involved and turns out this girl had been drinking and self harming in the run up to this. She told me because they were really worried about her. Other friends are out of school or in specialist placements.

I have to work in the office a couple of days a week so she is alone then after school unless her sister comes home. I am going to have to talk to her sister I think just to explain why knives and scissors are hidden.

The gp was not that much use, I will need to get back to them as with school breaking up in 10 days there is not going to be much support from that side.

I think my first goal is to get her to contact a teen MH service we have locally but it's child driven not parent driven so I cannot contact, although I believe they do run a workshop for parents of teens that self harm.