Overcoming awful driving anxiety

[Lefmry]

I’ve always been a little bit of an anxious driver but I’ve always just gone and done it. I’ve driven all over where I live. I’ve travelled 3 hours to Bristol, 5 hours to South Wales and random days out to places hours away as some examples, I just got on with it. I also drove to and from work every single day and that commute was 30 minutes each way.

7 years a go I got seriously ill very suddenly and was house/bed bound for a very long time. My car sat on the drive for at least 2 years and once I was better I realised I couldn’t do it anymore, I could no longer drive because of my anxiety. Covid then hit and I had even more excuses not to drive. Partner was furloughed and we decided to get rid of my car as it was an unnecessary financial burden at the time.

Fast forward to last year and I needed a car for the school run. The school being literally 5 minutes drive away but every single day the anxiety over it crippled me. I was getting a little better, ventured as far as my sisters house 15 minutes away a few times. Then we moved house and now my sons school is 15-20 minutes away and today is the first day I’ll be doing that drive to pick him up (partner has taken him in as I’ve felt too anxious to do it) and I feel awful over it.

I have felt so bad in fact that I literally have been tempted to keep my son off school this last week before the six weeks holidays, but I know deep down that’s not right. Has anybody else ever felt like this suddenly and been able to overcome it? I feel like I know the only way through is to force myself to do it which is what I’m doing today, but oh my god I feel so incredibly anxious! I will be thinking about it allllllll day 😫

Would having some more driving lessons help? It’s what some people need, just to give you confidence.

The thing is I’ve driven with my partner in the car (who’s such a confident driver it’s unbelievable) and he’s said I’m actually a really great driver and he can’t see why I’m so anxious over it. But maybe if this continues it is something I’ll have to look in to as I can’t let this rule my life anymore! Even the thought of driving up the road to the local park actually fills me with dread, I have no idea why I’m suddenly like this.

I had lessons with an instructor recently who specialises in driving anxiety. He offers refresher lessons to people who can drive but have become anxious about it. You could look for someone like this.

I do know what you mean @Lefmry as I had this after lockdown. I'd not been anywhere for months and when I got back in the car my heart raced.

Two things that got me through it were one day waking up and saying to myself 'enough is enough, I just have to master this'. I lived in a very remote spot at the time and not driving was compromising my life. Secondly, my DH was like your DP - saying I was a good driver. I asked him to come out as a passenger with me and provide me with some reassurance. He was brilliant - kept saying things like 'well you handled that brilliantly Churchview' or 'well done on keeping calm there, that was a busy spot'. In a few weeks I was on the up and now drive just like I used to. I'm sure you'll get through this ok.

Oh - another few tips. Have relaxing music on very gently and leave home in plenty of time so you can pootle along at your own pace and not be rushed.

I found having chocolate or wine gums on the go was a happy distraction too.
I kept the treats in the car so I had something to look forward to when I was in there.

The treat thing worked on my dog and me 😀

You shouldn't be letting your dog drive!!! 😄🐶

Avoidance fuels anxiety, so you are right that you have to push through it. I’m not a particularly enthusiastic driver - I passed my test late in life and primarily for the purposes of the school run! I still need to pep talk myself before a long or unfamiliar drive, or to a busy place. I’m sorry to say there are still occasions I avoid driving too, even though I know it’s not the best course of action. But you will be OK, just give yourself plenty of time - plenty! - and just do it. Then do it again. Go out every single day without fail, school holidays and everything. You can do it.

Imagine! We'd be wheel spinning off after squirrels all the time.

If a couple of refresher driving lessons don't work you could consider a short hypnosis program (probably cheaper!) as this is a subconscious rather than a rational issue.

Thank you everybody! ❤️

It is all I’ve thought about all day so far, I feel so incredibly anxious over it my heart is racing and my stomach is in knots. I am constantly counting down the minutes until I need to get ready and leave. I really hate this and I can’t have this happen every day! I hope it eventually gets better 😖

Part of your mind is triggering these emotions, not to torment you but to protect you. Why do you think it's doing this? Try writing down what precisely you are afraid of - the exact thoughts going through your mind. Are they rational? Do they have any validity?

A few things helped me, one was getting a really small car to help me park and if I met incoming traffic on country lanes (triggers for me), another was getting an old car so noone would care if it got scratched and just making myself do it. I still sort of hate it but it doesn't control my life.

What are you most anxious about OP?

I honestly couldn’t tell you tbh, it seems very generalised. 😩 It’s not even the thought of getting in to an accident that worries me, I don’t even really think about that at all. I honestly have no clue what it is that makes me nervous, it just seems ridiculous that my brain has made me terrified of it for no real reason whatsoever!

I can relate as I'm also a nervous driver, though I have several routes that I do regularly and don't find scary. It doesn't help that I'm a bit of a greenie who believes everyone should use public transport and walk more, so I don't feel particularly motivated to cure myself all that much.

Some things that help: routes you know like the back of your hand.

1. Know that the school run will be one of your routes very soon, so it won't always feel like this.

2. do not let yourself ruminate and dread doing the drive hours before you have to. It serves no useful purpose so distract, distract distract until it's time to go.

3. work out your personal triggers and do what you can to mitigate it. One of mine is not knowing where I'm going so I walk through routes on Google maps extensively before I drive them. Another is merging onto dual carriageways. It's not great that I avoid doing that, but any journey that DOESN'T have my trigger in, I am happy to tackle. If I needed to do a dual carriageway regularly I'd get support to do it at a quiet time and gradually build up till I had that one merge I was perfectly happy with, then use that as a stepping stone to tell myself I can do other merges.

Are you perimenopausal at all? I have found my anxiety has crept up as I am approaching a certain stage in my life.

i agree with others that you need to try not to avoid it. It sounds like the driving you need to do regularly will be very repetitive I.e school run so the more you do it and the more familiar it becomes you may get less anxious. Also try to give yourself plenty of time, maybe start practicing on your own or with your partner when not in a rush. Perhaps get a smaller car, or one that has some cameras to help you park or sensors. Also may be worth looking into some extra refresher lessons or some hypnotherapy. You are not alone though, I can totally relate.

OP, it happened to me, and was so bad I'd have panic attacks. I'd get an upset stomach just thinking about driving, and if I did drive I'd spend the whole time wherever I was thinking about the inevitable drive home. Like you it wasn't anything in particular, it was just "driving". Mine was linked to menopause as I had v bad anxiety until I went on to HRT.

How I got through it:

• Be kind to yourself, acknowledge how hard it is, give yourself time, allow setbacks.
• Celebrate your wins, no matter how small. ANY drive you manage is a brilliant thing.
• "Just get on with it"-type thoughts are unhelpful; counter them with kinder thoughts (as if you were speaking to one of your kids rather than yourself, IYSWIM) - I have a very strong inner critic and this helped 're-educate' my inner voice.
• Specialist driving lessons may help. I had a few, but really only as my anxiety made DH anxious (not a good combination).
• Talking to friends/family helps get rid of some of the shame you may be internalising, which in turn fuels the anxiety. I found quite a lot of people could empathise/had experienced something similar.
• Consider whether it may be linked to something else (ie mine was menopause-related).
• Drive, drive, drive. Keep getting in that car, even when you've had a shit drive the day before (especially then).

Over time it has got easier. I found myself actually enjoying a drive the other day. I still have moments of anxiety but they get less and less.

Thank you everybody for your replies yesterday. I went and did it in the end and it was absolutely fine! I was anxious during the whole build up but man did I feel happy and relieved as soon as it was over. Now to do it again today! 😖😂 I’m sure it’ll get easier with time and maybe one day this week I’ll face doing it in the morning but for now my partners doing that as during the mornings I’m my most anxious.