Hi, throwaway account. I am in my early twenties and have never made a post on here (love browsing the site) but don’t know where else to turn and hope to get some opinions/advice off real people :)
i have been stuck in an absolute hole- the start of this year was very tough for me as I lost someone I thought I loved anyways I was the most depressed I’d ever been, then I met someone in March and he really felt like my soulmate (later realised he wasn’t who I thought he was). Anyways he was still in contact with his ex and cheating emotionally, he went nuts when I touched his phone and basically was indulging his ex girlfriend every time I voiced this he would go mad anyways it all came to a head a few weeks ago when he dumped me as i thought I was pregnant. He said that we wanted kids at different times (but I had found messages to his ex saying he didn’t want to stop speaking to her etc the typical script and was very supportive when we had a scare before). Anyways he completely abandoned and dumped me (I’m trying to keep this light as it’s not the main factor) . The breakup was painful but I am over him now- the reason I am typing this and mentioning it is because the betrayal cut so deep and how he did what he did. The main part that messes me up is how he texted his ex and said that he never enjoyed being intimate with me (adult time) etc slagging me off.
I thought I was over the whole situation but then out of the blue I began getting extreme anxiety and severe panic attacks every day and every night. Severe pains in my arm, body, chest. Id have them all night and be petrified to go to sleep in case I died in my sleep. Had a massive panic attack yesterday in a moving car and it seems to have calmed a bit since then because I am just absolutely drained. I feel disassociated constantly and my blood pressure is always very healthy/acceptable (120/80 mark) but since this it’s shot up high. I feel like a shell of myself and I am withdrawing from everyone even my best friend who I love to pieces. I don’t reply to people anymore when they try to talk to me as I hate life and feel everything is hopeless and everyone prefers others to me. I am just a shell of the person I used to be. I have lived for 10 years at least with depression and abandonment issues due to abuse but this just feels like something else I feel I am dying physically and mentally. I try my best to make the most of life and be a good person as much as I can but I just feel people use me and I get the brunt of stuff. I’m not upset over something as trivial as a breakup but it’s just the fact that I was used and slagged off like that. I haven’t had any luck in relationships at all before and thought that he was my person but obviously not. Does anyone have any advice on how to pull myself out of this deep hole? Or just anything to say in general? Please no nasty comments , I really don’t want to continue with my sad loser life as it is
thank you if you read this xx