To know something is wrong but not what

[JamSandle]

I've always had bad mental health. I was an anxious kid, teen and now adult (mid 30s).

Anxiety, panic attacks and depression have always featured in my life. At one point I was having panic attacks almost every day for a few years. I have them less often now and am able to 'function' to the outside world.

I was recently diagnosed ADHD but I'm wondering if that's right either.

My moods are so up and down and anxiety and depression are never far away.

Even when I exercise, journal, read, eat well...I get bursts of joy but my default is bad mental heath even when life is fine. Atm I'm going through a rough time but as I say...even when things are good I feel...passively like I don't want to be here.

I'm on an AD which helps and newly on an ADHD med which gives me energy and focus. But the depression/anxiety/urge to not be there are almost always there.

How do I even begin to understand what's wrong with me?

Show this post to the doctor. You wrote out how you feel really well. This may be what the doctor needs to see to help you find the correct meds to get u to where you need to be. It's hard. I had to try a few meds before they found one that has me feeling ok.

How do I even begin to understand what's wrong with me?

Go back to the start, why you were anxious as a kid?

Have you seen a specialist, experienced psychotherapist?

Didn't like to be away from my mum, didn't like nursery apparently or going to school (although when I was there I worked well and had friends). Used to hide under tables and wardrobes when people came over. I remember ripping up things of mine when I was upset

Im in therapy but not seen a psychotherapist.

Omg the ripping thing sounds like me as a kid. I was overwhelmed! I ended up on zoloft and it's helped

Always seem to have had very strong emotions and overthink. It's exhausting.

YES ( excited yelp) this is me too! I still do these things but the meds help balance it and I've developed a decent support system

What kind of therapy, @JamSandle, if you don't mind saying?

Maybe you're AuDHD? All those emotions are common comorbidities to ND's

there are quite a lot of traits that come with Adhd like over thinking, emotional disregulation, Perfectionism, internal ocd. What else do you do other than Adhd meds? I think you may need to try and get to the root of some of these with a therapist who understands neurodiversity. I have also been listening to podcasts and books on adhd.

Also you may be understimulated, I find under stimulation quite painful.

I think it is just talking therapy. We do use affirmations and visualisations. Maybe I need a different type.

I have wondered this. But it all feels so confusing. The ADHD is only newly diagnosed. But Autism hasn't been mentioned. I have always found life so hard to cope with. I just feel too sensitive to manage it. The older I get and the more of an adult I have to be the more I dont know how to manage.

I take an antidepressant.

I take an ADHD med.

I'm currently in weekly therapy.

I listen to YouTube and read a lot to learn more.

I'm just struggling with being this way. Whatever 'this way' even is. I dont know if there's a reason why it all feels so hard or if that's normal.

I was a therapist. It sounds like you might be in a form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). But you may also be in DBT.

If you're in DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), I'd keep going, because it is a specific form of therapy for a specific set of diagnoses. If you're in CBT, however, while it will be helping you to manage your symptoms, it seldom deals with the underlying disorder for the symptoms and experiences you describe. It's also unfortunately the first line of therapy via the NHS because it is relatively inexpensive and yields short-term measurable results.

If at all possible, if you're doing CBT, I'd be investigating, perhaps with your therapist, an option of introducing a psychodynamic component, i.e. part of the therapy is about dealing with unconscious, underlying feelings, emotions and behaviours that were shaped in your birth family.

But I can only go on the understandably little information that you've given me.

I believe that ADHD is a red herring here, and is part of the symptom, but not the root cause.

Edit - That is not to say that you stop treatment of ADHD, but that other things, not least your past, are considered alongside it.

Can you explain a bit more about what you mean?

Thank you.

At my core I don't have good self worth and I'm very sensitive and emotional. I dont cope well with change or loss. I have dealt with a lot of loss and I did wonder if I'm permanently altered from it.

Children who have experienced trauma can have ADHD symptoms, but in some cases those symptoms are caused by the trauma itself rather than being organic, i.e. innate. If you have suffered a tremendous amount of loss, then it stands to reason that you will have developed coping mechanisms, some of which may no longer be serving you.

I think all of us who suffer loss are permanently changed by it. We don't need to be destroyed by it though. We can even thrive. But it takes work, and I think in your case talking therapy - whether your existing one, or a new one, or one alongside your existing one if it's DBT - would help. It takes time, though. And work to keep going back. It's not cheap, but there are many therapists and therapy organisations that offer therapy on a sliding scale depending on your means.

I agree, it does sound like CPTSD. You could very well have both ADHD but also CPTSD.

Trauma doesn't even have to be one big awful thing, it could be the constant struggle of being in a neurotypical world.