I've had depression and anxiety on and off for years. I manage it generally, I've had antidepressants but they make me feel quite woolly in the head and so I've recently stopped them again. I've had periods of therapy but not for any long period. I get down and overwhelmed if I'm not careful about doing the things that help and getting enough rest.
The thing that bothers me most is that I constantly feel as if I have done something wrong, and in my head all day long I am justifying every single action and thought and approach to some perceived judgemental person. This person changes, sometimes its my partner, sometimes someone else, often a near stranger. Usually someone who's been a bit brusque with me who I feel I have to appease. I anticipate criticism from everyone, for years when I went swimming in my head I was preparing a defence about why I was swimming 'like that'. When I was on long walks I was preparing a justification for why I'd chosen that route, that bag, those shoes, that anorak, this day, this place, that snack etc. Literally every single thing.
Lately I've had to have a minor operation and a few times the doctor said some possibly slightly insensitive things, clearly due to his own stress about his working conditions, nothing particularly awful. These comments go round and round in my head, and over and over every day I am mentally rehearsing a conversation with him about how I really do appreciate the NHS and how difficult it all must be and all of that. I haven't seen this doctor for months and it's unlikely I'll ever see him again. I have ideas about finding this person and explaining, and resolving and justifying etc. Clearly I am going to do no such thing but I can't shake it.
Often I find all this so exhausting and all consuming that it's hard to have conversations with people, hard to be in places where there are lots of people etc. because I feel like I just can't cope with the endless backlash in my brain. I just feel like staying home under a blanket and crying. I've tried meditation, CBT, positive self talk, journalling and it helps a bit but not much. I am outwardly fine, I have kids, a job, a partner, a good life and I come across as a confident and assertive person. Is this normal? What should I do? This week has been particularly bad and I just feel so stuck and despairing about it.