Things just seem to be getting worse and worse for me.
I am 39 in a few weeks and have nothing to show for it. I have 2 chronic illnesses, no kids and am single. In a stressful and poorly paid job which is emotionally draining too but done this line of work for nearly 20 years and all my qualifications are in it so not so easy to just re train.
I am very ugly physically. I used to have a good figure but have put on a stone and a half in just a few years despite not eating anywhere near enough and walking a lot. Even when I am in pain through my illness I still walk but here I am at 5'3 and 9 stone 7. I look pregnant and bloated and along with my hair that is starting to gray, I just look horrible.
My teeth are impacted by my illness but my dentist is very critical. Despite spending lots of time brushing, I still have plaque build up which seems unfathomable. He kept going on at my last appointment, saying I shouldn't have left it a year and I need to be seeing him more regularly. Made me feel dirty.
I still live at home. My parents are fairly young but my mother acts more like she is 90 and is always complaining about her various aches and pains as well as her severe tiredness and hearing problems. She won't get anything treated by the GP and instead just moans about it. Anyone would think she had the chronic illnesses, not me. She hasn't had to work for many years either.
I have a sibling who has a partner although it's more of a friendship but he has spoilt her rotten for 3 years and he is paying the mortgage on a flat so despite us living near London and them on a joint salary of about 33k, they are able to move out together. My other sibling looks down on me because of my life situation, but is all over my sister as she is living a life he sees as respectable, with her partner. My mother adores them and even bought my sister and her partner double presents at Christmas which to be honest, really hurt as childish as that sounds. It came across like they were being rewarded for being in a couple but I didn't deserve the same. The way they treat me adds to my self loathing.
I am the cinderella in the family, the one who is expected to be a carer in the future and the one who shouldn't expect much. I haven't been on holiday for 20 years as have nobody to go with and in all honesty, I am tired of doing everything alone. I have tried clubs but they just haven't worked for me as most of the people already knew each other.
I feel there is no joy in my life and am ashamed of how I present to others. I've noticed that in my life, people love me when I am of use or when they are having a hard time, but as soon as they are over that, they disappear.i just feel so alone and have nobody to talk to. I can only see things getting much worse. My mother's health declining even more, my health declining especially as the menopause years hit and I just see no brightness to come in my future.