At times I want to scream at the top of my lungs of how angry and upset I feel of everything thats happened to me, yet at the same time I've been made to feel like this was/is the norm as my siblings/family don't appreciate what happened as I am the eldest and they do not remember or when I bring it up they dismiss it!
I thought i'd forgave my mum after what she put me through, but as I've got older and the way she's recently treated me after leaving my husband and her lack of support and thinking now she's Mary Bloody Poppins and criticism of me when I wasn't at my best has enraged the anger in me again!!
I haven't spoken to her for over a yr due to the way she treats me. I've just fell out with my younger sister as she doesnt understand why I feel this way as mum treats her completely different. It's as if me and my brother don't exist and me being the last in co-existence. Times were completely different when I was with my husband and I was well off and now I realise I was obviously benefiting her life and since I've left him doesn't need me anymore...
I'm fuming as the abuse I received as a child I know is affecting me as an adult and how I've raised my family. I constantly feel like I'm not being the best parent, always have the guilts, even though I'm doing nothing wrong and being the best parent ever. I over compensate to be honest.
I've tried journaling to get it all out! Where do you start to ascertain why you are a certain way when you do not know? How do you get rid of how you feel when you can't change what's happened? When you do not want to open a can of worms as the lid will blow off? When the people that have effected you live with no empathy so how will I get any closure?
When you do not want to speak to anyone about it as you feel like its a dirty little secret and it was normal and now feel to blame?!