Unsure if depression is due to where I live?

[Mum8929]

not really sure where to beginn but feeling on and off really low recently. I suffer from mental health issues my whole life including depression and DH and I had a baby almost two years ago now. I’m originally from Canada and met out there, my husband didn’t have a great time when he was in Canada but I think he just got unlucky that he didn’t make lots of friends and utilmately decided to move back. I moved with him and loved it here initially. I’ve been here 5 years we got through the pandemic together and not being able to visit home. I agreed to settle here for at least a few years, the idea was to be close to his family as his parents are able to help. To be fair they’ve helped loads and we said we would probably move back to Canada once we’ve had 2 kids and they were old enough that we wouldn’t need as much help. I have a complicated relationship with my family. They haven’t offered me any support and have only visited twice since being here. Apologies this is very long but basically since have our DD and buying our house I’m questioning if I made the right decision. I really hate where we live but that’s mainly due to living in the south and we can’t afford anything much better. I know if we moved in Canada we’d have a much bigger house and much nicer. I also feel really depressed that my family doesn’t visit, and feel completely isolated at times. I’ve made loads of close friends, but since DD been born I’m sinking into a dark hole. We had a discussion a few weeks ago and DH said he’s open to move if I really want to but he said A) he’s not sure this would fix my depression as he thinks I would be disappointed if I moved home and my parents didn’t help. B) he thinks we should wait until having our second and take advantage of his for parents who can help and move when we don’t have tiny children who need as much of a village around. I’m not sure what I want and I think this is just adding to it. Not sure what I’m expecting from this post but maybe just needed a rant

You said you've felt this way since DD was born. Did you see anyone about that? It could be PND still. You don't mention medication or therapy? On what you've written I can't see how a move would help. You'd be trading one set of problems for another. Plus we take ourselves with us always, its unlikely you'll spontaneously change because you move back. The situation would be different if you had a close supportive family and close network of friends in Canada. As it is you'd probably find old friends have moved on with their lives and may struggle to fit back in which would just make the depression worse. Maybe you do need that move, but since it would bring it's own challenges, moving when you're already feeling like this doesn't seem like a good idea. I think you need to treat the depression before making any big choices.

It sounds like a) the relationship with your family is dragging you down b) you're in depression c) you have a decision to make around where to live.

Re family I'm of the mindset that paying for therapy is the way forward if there are unresolved issues. (I think the disappointment may need to turn into acceptance for your sanity).

And that friends need to become like family in their place. Are you reaching out to close friends now, asking when they are free, organising things?

Medication may be helpful - I've always regretted not going on it sooner when I've been low. We do like to fester as humans.

In regards to a bigger house, it's worth thinking about whether that's what you want. Will that make you happy? Above a certain level (not as high as people think) wealth doesn't really add to happiness, it's more about what you deeply value in life and finding ways to express that. Food for thought anyway.

First Thank you for your message. I am on medication as I have generalised anxiety, OCD and depression but I guess I could possibly also have PND. I think you are right about the house thing and the friends becoming family. I have made loads of friends here and will try and put more effort. I think I hold a lot of resentment with my husband for having everything his way and not getting much choice. It feels like he convinced me to buy this house when I didn’t like it that much, he works a job an hour away and I told him I find it very hard on us and he doesn’t seem interested in trying to get another job. He doesn’t also want to spend much money doing up the house we live in. I think all that combined with him being

We had a discussion a few weeks ago and DH said he’s open to move if I really want to. He doesn’t also want to spend much money doing up the house we live in.
He doesn't sound very supportive from your second post. Can you Invision changes that would make you feel more comfortable in the house? Id point out it's a hell of a lot cheaper than moving overseas.

Have you seen a GP to see if there's anything else going on? Low vitamin D, low b12 and thyroid issues amoungst others can worsen depression. Low vitamin D is a bigger problem in colder climates and increased use of sunscreen in summer is a confounding factor. Realistically nicer house and locale aside what do you think returning to Canda would look like? If your family isn't even supportive over the phone/video and in lots of contact I don't think it would be reasonable to expect anything from them support wise. So you'd have less family support. What about old friends? Any you're still close to or would you be losing a circle of friends and not gaining another one and feel more isolated? If there are things you enjoy and see yourself doing in Canada is there a way to do it where you are? One child can be a lot easier than two and you may find that you need that family support even more if you have another, which it sounds like you'd be lacking in Canada.

Its a hard situation when you both have a strong desire to live in the country you grew up in. I would say go if you were moving back to a supportive family and strong network of friends, but it sounds like both of the options have their own issues and unless you're very sure it will help Id maintain the status quo and try to fix the existing issues first. Its tempting when you're feeling desperate to grab onto anything that might fix this, you need something to work so much, but that doesn't mean it will fix things. You'll still be you, your DH will still be the same person and you'll be out the friend and family support you have currently.

Yeah I think you’re spot on about everything. I would really like him to see the value in doing things up in the house slowly. He usually says if you really want to we can do it but that he doesn’t want to if we’re only going to be here for another few years and then moving overseas. I feel very torn, we have the money to do things like the bathroom or some minor fixes but I just feel like it’s always the old debate of if we do it to the house then we wouldn’t want to move soon so it makes me feel hesitant to commit to the DYI in case my parents get really sick and I need to move back or something.