Don't know what to do anymore.

[Namechanged135]

Hello,

First off I'm so sorry if this is long I just want to try and get everything down. Need more of a hand hold than anything I think and just somebody to tell me it will get better, but any suggestions of how to get out of this slump is greatly appreciated. And I hope I have posted in the correct section I just hoped there may be people able to help with not only myself but DH and DC.

To summarize, I have 2 young dc (3 & 5), run my own business in a physically and mentally demanding job (done this for 12 years owned my own business 2+ years), struggled with anxiety most of my life from a young ish age and went through a stage of depression mid teens/late teens/postnatal depression/anxiety after dc1 which has never really gone away (constant thoughts of something bad happening to them).
I'm very bad in social/new environments and desperately try to avoid them as I fret for days before and after and end up exhausting myself putting on this front that I am happy and ok when inside i need to scream and run away. Then I worry that everybody hates me and I will ponder on it for ages. Its got so bad in the past that I literally couldn't go out the front door. (Funny enough it's easier taking one of the DC out with me as it's the push I need to go as they are relying on me).

DH has been diagnosed with ADD very recently and possible autism which I've been trying to help him through, both DC have signs of ADD and autism particularly the eldest who is struggling with school at the moment so trying to find time to give him the extra support he needs with schooling and ways to focus etc (no help from Drs as he has to be 6 and the school aren't pushing for extra supports despite them flagging that he needs help. It's an ongoing battle). Youngest DC is under speech and language for delayed speech (although improving now) and is just an absolute whirlwind! Both DC argue CONSTANTLY from the moment they wake to the moment they sleep. The eldest wakes every single hour of the night starting at 10pm, so we're constantly exhausted. DH does his share and gets up too. But I know this is a huge part of why I'm burning out.

I've just got to a point where I've literally burnt myself out so much that I'm struggling to think and put a sentence together or start talking and completely forget what I was saying, go off topic and ramble on about something else only to realise a little later that I forgot to finish my original sentence. I'm so embarrassed by it and find myself apologising over and over. My mind won't switch off and the endless list of things to do in my life are just not coming to a close. I feel guilty feeling this way because I don't have it bad compared to others. But my brain is fried. I've tried therapy in the past but it doesn't work, it makes me more anxious.
I've made lists of things I want to achieve and that need to be done but something else crops up and it starts all over again.

Sorry if this make no sense. I could add more but it is already so long.

Thanks for any help.

It does make sense, and you write very well.

It terms of the 'doom scrolling' there's a part of your brain called the reticular activating system which is designed to filter out stuff that's unimportant and highlight things your mind thinks you need to pay attention to. That's why you can sleep through a thunderstorm but are instantly awake if one of your children cries out in the night (or, for me, when the dog on my bed makes that distinctive 'pre-vomit' noise!).

So, because you've been excessively focussing on negative news your mind will automatically look for it as it believes that's what you want to see. You can change this by actively seeking out positive stories or simply looking for glimmers - those tiny things we see every day but don't acknowledge. It could be a bird singing, a cloud shaped like a dog, a flower, a child laughing - anything that just lifts your spirits for a moment. After a while your brain will switch it's focus and start looking for them.

Sorry, dinner calls - back in a bit!

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you for your reply. That is a good idea to try looking at a positive no matter how small. I will try that and hopefully it will help to see some positive that will grow 😊

Part two. Dealing with the anxiety means figuring out why it started in the first place - back in that 'youngish' age. I don't mean revisiting it, just looking at it through adult eyes and allowing whatever fears, insecurities and pain that happened back then to be resolve.

I've worked with many people who's less-than-perfect childhoods have left residual scars that have affected them as adults. It IS possible to let it go.

HTH.