How to not get so caught up in others emotions

[wombpaloumbpa]

Hi sorry if this is the wrong place to post.

I'm pretty sensitive and feel deeply.

My mum is an irritable person and just phoned me to basically to rage at me about minor things other people have done this week. she was sounding pretty unhinged. She's always been like it, often aimed at me but it wasn't this time. But it's still thrown me off and made me feel crap listening to her ranting and raving.

It sent me into a spiral of feeling bad and reflecting on our relationship and how I feel about myself then it just occurred to me some people would literally just hang up the phone and shrug their shoulders.. but HOW

HOW CAN I ALSO DO THAT?! anyone got any strategies or mantras they use?

Realise that you are no longer a child and that your mother's views, emotions, thoughts and complaints belong to her - not you. When you're growing up you have no agency and no control over your environment; you have to do (and to a certain extent, think) as you are told by your parents. Now you don't.

Maybe thinking of yourself as resilient and capable might be more helpful for your self esteem.

On a practical note you can be 'on the way out the door' or needing to make an urgent call or 'oops, there's someone knocking' or whatever excuse you need to make to terminate the call.

@Eyesopenwideawake thanks. I actually felt ok after getting out the house and having a chat with a few people on the school run. And I regretted the post because it's kind of pathetic!

I suppose just putting more space and distance between us will help. It's a weird and difficult relationship and I think deep down I wish it wasn't but got to accept it and move on. She's very immature emotionally.

She's very immature emotionally

What were her mum and dad/upbringing like?

It's always interesting when you start to see your parents as people and can figure out what in their background shaped their personalities.

Please don't think it's pathetic. A lot of people will identify with your feelings and be looking for ways to manage things better. Your decision to post may very well help them.

Say to yourself “these are not my feelings, they are mums feelings and her responsibility”. Focus on where you feel the sensations in your body and visualise pushing them out; they don’t belong to you.

@Eyesopenwideawake I don't know that many details. She was one of 8 children, her Dad died before I was born and I only met her Mum once because she stopped talking to her and seeing her when I was a baby. She also never talks to her sisters but does talk to brothers.
I really don't know why, I've obviously asked in the past but she's very avoidant to talk about it.

You could always decide whether to pick up or not, sometimes a text is easier in these cases, I find!

@Orangesandlemons77 yes that is a good point

@BambooWhoosh @Lighttodark thank you - v helpful

I think your feelings are a sign to yourself that you’re no longer willing to tolerate her ranting at you.

Would you accept that from someone else? It’s going to be super tough but time to put in place a boundary? ‘Mum, you’re sounding really angry. I know you’re not angry at me, but it really affects me when you’re angry like this in front of me, even when it’s not about me. I’m sorry but I can’t have these conversations with you any more.’

I had to stop talking about politics with my dad and once I set the boundary - and I am lucky in that he accepted it - it did improve our relationship. She needs to be having these ranting conversations with someone else.

@pjani thanks. Yes that's a good idea. She won't react well, it will likely cause her to focus on me. I've told her before no one else I've met in my life talks to me like she does.

Yes, I bet it will be crazy hard. What about if you led with the message that you’d like to be closer to her, and this is the barrier to that?

And if she turns on you, say calmly ‘I love you and want to be closer to you but won’t be able to stay on the line if you’re shouting at me’ and hang up if she keeps shouting. And keep that as the message. Just an idea. Good luck!

Step back. Emotionally, mentally and (if necessary) physically.

it sounds like you’ve been trained from a young age to absorb your mums anger at the world, to be the person she can kick off at. As a child this is very unsettling - the one person in the world that you needed to be stable, caring, focused on you is unable to do that. As a child you blame yourself. As an adult you ask ‘what’s wrong with me? And feel like a failure.

have you ever talked to a counsellor or therapist about this? You are allowed to have negative feelings about your mum: none of us are perfect. But sometimes we need help to move on from feelings and patterns and cycles that get established in childhood.

@rickyrickygrimes thanks. What you have said is really quite accurate. Definitely reached adulthood feeling really low and like my parents didn't like me! My Dad just lets my Mum treat him like a lunch bag and won't discuss her behaviour with me, he's very loyal to her.

Do you know the best way to find a therapist? I don't really know where to start. I also feel a bit guilty because nothing really bad happened. No major traumatic events if you know what I mean

Use the ‘find a therapist’ option on the BACP website. Remember if you don’t click on the first session it’s perfectly appropriate to find someone you do click with. It’s a bit like dating.

I don’t answer the phone to some people as i know they’ll just put me in a Debbie downer. Obviously you must speak to your mother sometimes but maybe pick the moments that work for you only, have a max period of time available, and maybe play woe is me Bingo