EMDR - struggling to engage

[SevenKingsMustDie]

I am five sessions in to EMDR that I was referred for following workplace bullying.

I am struggling with engaging with it - I am just sitting there following the object with my eyes and thinking "what am I supposed to be doing? What is supposed to be happening? How does this work?", and feeling like a massive idiot/fraud for being there.

My therapist keeps talking about it being 'bottom up' rather than 'top down' therapy, meaning I think that it's not about your brain being in control and it will work if you trust it.

I'm on the verge of giving up - any advice from anyone?

The mixed mediums sound quite distracting, I think I would find it so anyway.

I'm going to be very vulnerable in the hope it helps you as I don't talk about my therapy as a rule, because it changed my life and helped a lot within the first 2 sessions. To begin with we had a session discussing the issue and about me etc. Then they explained what emdr was and the different ways we could do it. Eye movement, tapping. I chose eye as it was the most traditional but it was too overwhelming for me so we moved to tapping with eyes closed to block out all other stimuli other than my memory.

My therapist does it in rounds so I'd do it for a few minutes, then we'd pause, they'd ask me what was happening for me, what I was feeling, another few minutes tapping, they'd check in, suggest affirmations of sorts that matched my trauma /to change how the memory made me feel, another round etc. It was very much an interactive process and has done me the world of good.

I felt the 'wtf am I doing this right/i feel like an idiot' feelings too but my therapist made be comfortable to blurt out anything. If it makes you feel better, today I pictured myself as a lion 😁

I hope that helped a little...

I’ve recently started EMDR and feel similarly at times! However my therapist has mentioned that it can sometimes make you feel tired/like it’s not working at first. Though it is a bit frustrating when I’m asked “how do you feel about that memory now” in a session as it doesn’t feel much different. I feel I go a bit cross eyed going from one point to another

@Lifline thank you for sharing that - I appreciate your vulnerability 🥰

@BirthdayRainbow I get your point, will try!!

That's maybe what's happening... I don't feel anything has changed, yet I've read a few threads on here where people have seen/felt immediate or at least very rapid change.

It doesn't help that work are funding it and I'm being made redundant, so there is a very limited time for it to happen!

It sounds like you had a really hard time with the bullying and I'm so sorry this happened to you - it sounds like talking over how you are feeling would be hugely useful.

I'm honestly not minimising what you've been through and of course I don't know the full story but are you sure EMDR is right for you? My understanding is that the evidence base is for the treatment of trauma... in the clinical sense.
This treatment is very effective if you have been unable to process a deeply traumatic event and are left with a split between the feelings and the memories which can then lead to being 'triggered' in the psychiatric sense of the word. Do you know if this is what happened to you?

EMDR can be life changing for people who carry unprocessed trauma of this kind. Often from events that have given them diagnosable PTSD.

Again just to be hugely clear you have my absolute solidarity and empathy and compassion, I'm not saying you're not suffering i'm just saying that maybe a different modality or approach might help more? I hope that makes sense.

I was also not sure that EMDR is the right type of therapy here. Bullying is awful but it's not usually traumatic enough for a PTSD diagnosis.

@BirthdayRainbow and @followingthebreath thank you both for your comments - am taking them in the spirit in which they were meant 😊

If I'm honest I do feel like a fraud! I was referred by the educational psychologist that works in the same MAT as me, and am just doing as he suggested. At the time I was bursting into tears at unexpectedly seeing a photo of the person concerned, or when I opened up a document that she had made a comment on, not leaving the house....but I get what you mean about it maybe not being the kind of thing EMDR can help. I just don't know!

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon so will chat this through with the therapist.

You have class @SevenKingsMustDie . I just think it is easy to over diagnosis and medicalise. I see it on here a lot and when it is sex related it isn't helpful. Talk it over as you have clearly had an awful experience but you need the right help. I've had a lot of different types of therapy over the years and the only ones that truly helped where when it was the right person at the right time with the right type of help.

Sex related?

Plenty of times women post and don't feel they've been assaulted but others are determined to tell them they have. Some have and haven't realised but many genuinely feel okay and forcing them to become a victim helps no one.

Oh right.... I was confused as it wasnt related to the ops situation but I see it wasn't supposed to be

Apologies for the confusion.

Ah OP I'm so glad you understood what I meant, I speak from personal experience because EMDR helped with traumatic things that I hadn't processed but didn't help with things that had greatly upset me but that my brain had understood and filed away correctly... so it's not at all about the severity of the experience but more about how the brain has coped with it that may indicate whether EMDR is effective.

I hope that makes sense and I genuinely hoped in posting that my thoughts would be a little bit useful whatever you decide to do.

Sending a hug and solidarity for the journey, you're doing really well, things will get easier x

EMDR is fab, but it doesn't work for everyone. My hunch, though, is that you have really active protector parts that are not stepping back enough to allow you to do the work. Like an inner critic or sceptic part or people pleaser part, or a part that is unwilling to ever let you feel those feelings. They are there for a reason and they need to be understood. Your therapist might be able to work on some more resources for you, or take an IFS informed approach (dialogue with the parts). But why not mention it, and discuss tactics like

• activate the memory more or differently, find a different still image that activates more (or less)
• target the block instead of the memory
• rate the urge to avoid or the worry about getting it wrong, just target that until you find out more about it and it gets lower
• try a form of BLS that doesn't require you to do anything (like just a sound, or sometimes the therapist might tap on your hands) or having your eyes closed might work better for you (with sounds or tapping)
• bridge back to an earlier memory of feeling an idiot or a fraud
• consider imagery rescripting from the point just before the memory

Remember, your only job in EMDR is to report exactly what you notice, not to direct that or filter it. Just what comes up, it might be a thought, an image, a body sensation, an emotion. Go in with the intention of being curious and just observing. Just go with whatever comes up, even if it's 'I am distracted' or 'I am so embarrassed that I can't do this' but keep it rolling.

Totally agree with @Runskiyoga

I’d add the distinctions between types of trauma: PTSD - one-off incident/combat trauma; C-PTSD - trauma arising from abuse and neglect by primary caregivers; chronic trauma - repeated similar incidents over a long period. All forms of trauma are treatable using EMDR.

Deal with what comes up and try not to second guess.

Thanks so much to everyone on this thread - your comments and kindness have helped me a huge amount 🥰

@Runskiyoga I used your list of points today at the start of my appointment and it helped us settle on an IFS- informed approach.

My therapist took me through events I had previously discussed with her from my childhood that, whilst they don't fit the old-school definition of trauma, were a repeated lack of connection and being 'seen' by my family of origin, and so she feels it is at the least attachment-related and quite possibly complex trauma.

We have a plan now, and I couldn't have done it without the wise words of all of you!

It's lovely to hear you sounding more positive@SevenKingsMustDie and now you'll get more appropriate amd helpful support.

That's fantastic, keep going, make it your own ❤️ I'm so impressed with how you have approached this.