I'm worried that I won't having children will too much of a worry for me on top of my mental health problems

[matona]

I'm in my mid 30s and have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and recurrent depressive disorder. I'm in a stable, living relationship and because of my age we're at the stage where we're trying to decide if we want to try to conceive. I was diagnosed in my early 20s and I've come a long way in managing my health thanks to therapy etc. For example, apart from not working for a couple of years after the breakdown that led to me seeking professional help I've been able to work continually, have travelled lots, have stable friendships and support etc. My conditions obviously do have an impact on my thoughts processes, how I deal with things etc though. I work full-time now but my partner's income, that is much more than mine would be enough to support us and it would be an option for me to work less or stop totally.

One aspect of having a child or children is that the constant worry about if I am doing everything to the best of my ability, worrying about their physical safety and emotional well-being throughout the various stages will be too much for me to cope with because of my BPD. I'm generally more prone to ruminating, and can sometimes have feelings of severe dread that have little basis in fact etc. Things I have learnt in therapy help but I have a fear that having a child will send me into anxiety that is through the roof constantly.

I'd really appreciate other's experiences and advice on this.

I would look into perinatal services in your area. They often work with mums who have pre-existing mental health difficulties from pregnancy onwards up until the child’s first and sometimes second birthday.

Some areas also offer prenatal advice and support.

You sound very courageous and please accept my very best wishes whatever you decide to do x

I would say look at the posts on here from people who grew up with parents who have mental health problems before deciding to get pregnant

Flopsythebunny thank you, but my question was regarding this particular aspect of parenting. Anyone can get mental health problems at any time, and people who have parents with mental health problems don't have a uniform (negative) experience.

I would say look at the posts on here from people who grew up with parents who have mental health problems before deciding to get pregnant

I don’t think that would be particularly helpful or relevant because a lot of those people could have parents who had undiagnosed/ unmanaged mental health problems, may not have had planned pregnancies, might have gotten ill/ started treatment after having kids and their circumstances will just be generally different to the OP. Plus there will be a lot of negative experiences because very few people will come on here to say their parent had mental health problems but they’re relationship is good and their childhood was fine.

@matona
The most important thing I can tell you is if you decide to go ahead, make sure you are getting perinatal mental health support right from the start. Don’t be tempted to try to hide/ minimise how you are feeling. Believe me, it is better if you are upfront.
Just the physical aspects of pregnancy, the hormonal changes alone can be very tough to deal with for people who already have mental health problems especially depression or anxiety and there’s a lot to process emotionally which can be very difficult if you struggle to cope your emotions. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? If so, talk to them and ask their advice. If you are taking any medication you will need to do this anyway. If you’re not under a psychiatrist, get a referral from your gp. The thing about perinatal mental health services is you won’t be able to use them until your actually pregnant (afaik) and I think you need professional opinion/ support asap as in before u even start trying.
it is possible to be a good parent with mental health problems. But you need support. You need to be capable of being objective and have good insight into your illnesses. Ideally you need a good partner who doesn’t have similar problems. Parenthood is hard, it throws a lot of stuff at you and nobody is immune to that, no matter how they cope. But it is also wonderful and can bring so much joy. I think it’s important to really really want to be a mother. only you know how you feel. I think deep down you will know how determined you are and how likely you are to stay well or to cope if you don’t.
One last thing I will say is, prepare yourself for the fact that you may not always be the type of parent you want to be, you will make mistakes, it won’t be perfect. It never is. For anyone.

If I could turn the clock back knowing what I know now I wouldn't choose to have children because for me they are a constant worry - although I love them very much of course.

My youngest is autistic, largely non verbal/non communicative and caring for him is lonely and I worry about his future when I am gone. My eldest has ongoing health problems that are also hugely worrying - I hate seeing him suffer and prey he will get successful treatment. I would swap places with him in a heartbeat if I could. For me the saying you are only as happy as your least happy child is true.

But I know the biological drive to want a baby can be very strong - it was for me. I have no desire to have further children and I can't help but imagine the peace and freedom I would have if I had stayed childless.

I don't think everyone should stay childless of course - but resilience is a really useful trait for a parent - and I'm not very resilient. I find it hard to focus on other things and remain upbeat when the shit is hitting the fan.

It is worth considering how you feel about your ability to cope (with your mental health) with a sick or disabled child because it is always a possibility.

Can you talk to your clinical team about it?

I only have experience of being a sahm - you mention potentially giving up work. Being a sahm can come with social isolation and never getting a break. I love it and find it much easier than my previous job but it’s not for everyone. There are times when I found it really hard, although admittedly that was durring covid times.

Firstly, if you are going to have children I strongly, strongly recommend you get married. At the moment if your partner can't hack it you'll almost certainly be the one left holding the baby and financially screwed.
Next nothing puts a greater strain on a marriage than a child/ren.
If you are a SAHP you put yourself in a financially precarious position and it can cause resentment on both sides, a lot here depends on your partner and his expectations.
Don't underestimate sleep deprivation it's an absolute bastard.
A good support network is essential, I don't necessarily mean having a parent who can hold the baby for you, but just having a good friend you can call on for morale support
Toddlers can be complete assholes! One of mine nearly bloody broke me, and believe me I've had some mega shit to deal with!
The early years are relentless, and worry is part and parcel of being a parent.
All of this I would say to anyone considering having a child.

In terms of your mental health, I don't think it needs to be a barrier to you being a parent, and a very good one.

You need to manage your conditions very well, and be right on top of it all, have conversations with your care providers, perinatal MH about predictable risks, the unforeseen etc. I had no history of any MH issues, but had post-natal psychosis, and generally found the baby/toddler/small child stage quite psychologically taxing — and I have a healthy child with no SEN etc. Whereas various friends have dealt with children with non-verbal autism, birth injuries, and a heart issue which saw their son almost die aged 12 and need to be fitted with a pacemaker, and that’s been very hard on them.

I have a good friend with two children who has a longtime diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but is right on top of managing it, and has managed to arrange her life (she and her DH run their own company, with him doing far more of the day to day stuff) to minimise stresses.

@Winter2020 Thank you for your honest answer. I am a trained mental health nurse, but I currently work with children who are autistic, have cerebral palsy, spina bifida etc. In that sense it's "good" because I'm not under any illusions that that is a very real possibility.