What’s wrong with me

[WhiteWindows]

Hi

I’m nearly 35, been fat all my adult life but it’s gone really bad in the last year so now I’m 35kg (80lbs) over my ideal weight.

I’ve got no energy, lack motivation, disgusted and desperate to change when I see myself in the mirror but never see it (or anything else through).

Diagnosed with ADHD, decided against taking meds. I’m always irritated and get easily overwhelmed with my kids.

All my life, I’ve never stuck to anything long term to reap the reward so of course I won’t with weight loss either.

My hairs thinning and falling out. My teeth bleeds during brushing (and sometimes randomly) because I have gingivitis. I’m always tired, lack energy, no motivation.
My skins gone really bad too. So much pigmentation and I have no proper skincare routine apart from a vitamin c face wash.

I don’t ever see the good things in life and constantly moaning and complaining that shit always happens to me. The glass is always half empty in my eyes.

Saw a psychiatrist for 5 sessions but it was more to talk then anything. She diagnosed me with mild depression and anxiety.

I hate who I’ve become and how I look. I feel embarrassed and ashamed but not enough to make a change.

I’m not even sure why I’ve come on here. Maybe to rant. Sorry you had read about my sorry existence

Rant over.

Sorry to hear this. I could have written the same myself minus the diagnosis of adhd (too scared/lazy/unmotivated to bother finding out why I am now I am) and the counselling (same reasons as above).

Anyway just so you know you aren't alone.

Every now and again i do get a wave of motivation but never lasts long. Any weight iv e ever lost has gone straight back on.

I know how it feels to be in your current headspace! Everything seems negative and stressful and it's horrible.

Are you getting enough quality sleep? If not make this your first stop for change, when we're tired not only does it make everything seem overwhelming and harder, but your body will crave foods that don't help you feel better

I have recently been put on citalopram by my gp for anxiety and it has been really helpful for letting my brain slow down a bit, and view things from a calmer perspective (adhd suspected for me too)

I'm a good 5 stone heavier than I should be also, and while losing weight is still something I'm trying to do, I've shifted my focus recently to getting out and living in the moment more, forcing myself to go out for random wanders with my daughter. I've also been trying to cut down on phone/social media use as I notice it pulls my mood down too

I dont know if any of this helps, but at the very least please know you're not alone. Everyone's suffering to some degree. Life is never as easy as we thought it would be

Ah op that sounds difficult, it's a lot to be feeling that way and still working hard to parent a young family. It sounds like you've been so busy looking after everyone else that you've been bottom of your own priority list and that can only be sustainable for so long before you really start to burn out.

If you're looking advice, I think it's going to be about self care in whatever way you feel is manageable. I think your first step is getting to the gp and having some bloods done because what you're describing is making me wonder if there's something you're missing vitamins wise or anything else going on that could be contributing to how you feel. So it would be good to just rule that out.

I would get a good multivitamin and probiotic and I keep mine in a medicine box beside my bed and set an alarm to remind me to take them every night. For me it's a very small way I care for my body even if it's been a really busy day and even if i don't get round to doing anything else.

In terms of skincare I've also recently learnt that sometimes less is more. I just use a serum and night cream before bed, and in the morning just a moisturiser with spf in it. It doesn't take long but it's keeping my skin a better texture and because it's not some complicated routine I find I'm better at keeping up with it (not diagnosed but it's been suggested by a number of professionals that I have adhd).

The other thing I find helpful is just trying to eat well (not focusing on losing weight or anything like that) and just trying to up my intake of fruit and veg and I try to go for a walk once a week. It's funny because even though I weigh myself so I know I haven't lost any weight I still feel more in control and better about how I've treated my body. I don't get to do it every week, but I just try to draw a line under that and take the next week as a new week.

If talking was more helpful than anything with your psychiatrist, would it be worth looking into some counselling so you can get support to work on your anxiety and your low mood/negativity? Some places offer free counselling and most counsellors will negotiate their rate to make it affordable. You deserve to have support and while what you're describing is perfectly and completely normal, you don't need to just put up with it or feel alone. You're the cog that keeps everything else turning for your family, you're going to get tired and you deserve to have rest and care too.