how can I heal? can’t afford therapy

[ByBrightSloth]

this is a heavy topic. I grew up with a bipolar mother who suffered with health issues. She didn’t get the help that she needed to regulate herself and her outbursts, said and threatened horrific things to me when I was only little and obviously she denies all of it. Long story short I was emotionally neglected, and emotionally abused regularly. She would even threaten to kill me occasionally, not as a lighthearted joke. This was just one side of her though, I see her as a whole. There is a loving and caring side to her, it is like a completely different person. She has no contact with my other siblings apart from one who still lives at home who she was also awful to, I’m not sure whose choice it was. Now I have left home she has never done or said anything to me, so I am not sure if I need to cut her off for my wellbeing. I still have nightmares about being a child and experiencing these outbursts, usually when I am stressed about something else.
During the day I feel a sense of impending doom, I often feel paranoid and like I can’t completely relax. Loud noises, shouting or anything that reminds me of the abuse sets my fight or flight mode off, I have visions about someone just like her breaking into my house and losing it with me.
I have only had two relationships and a few friends as I don’t like change or unfamiliarity but they were all bad for me in some major way. I’ve written about my last relationship on another thread but I can’t access help for it.
I don’t know what to do as I can’t afford therapy and waiting lists are too long. I often feel exhausted and someone thought I might be depressed

Sorry you went through all that. There may be books you can read as a starting point, support groups that can be helpful in connecting with others with shared experience (in person or online). Be careful that these are helpful for you though, as sometimes they can be triggering or make you feel worse. If you are open to it, some ministers of religion have training in counselling. You may be able to find one who would be willing to talk to you, even if you aren't religiously inclined.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. Both my parents were abusive to me during my childhood and unbeknown to me I became a people pleaser to them. They are now in their late 80's my mother is in a nursing home but I had looked after them both, cooked for them 6 nights a week, took them to appointments, shopped etc etc for a couple of years. None of it was ever appreciated and I ended up doing more and more to try and please them.
It was only when I ended a very abusive relationship with my ex partner did my father's true colours shine through. He told me I had always been a disappointment to them, they never wanted me and never felt 'lucky' with me.
Do you have a local abuse organisation in your area? I'm in a city in the midlands and our local Living without Abuse organisation has been a godsend to me. They offer counselling at a very low cost and assign you with a key worker. They cover all different kinds of abuse. Not just domestic abuse with a partner. Good luck.

This online programme is very good and about £16 per month: https://www.jennahamm.com/challenge-page/54f0f6bf-3300-4abf-9d61-6605fdfcb00d

Hi. I'm going to pm you later with a link that you might find very useful for an organisation that operates with extremely reasonable prices. I'll tel you more when I pm you - the app is not working for me regarding messaging so when I am online later today I'll hopefully be able to do so via browser. All I'll say is that I can totally empathise with how you are feeling, albeit mine is founded in different origins from yours, but I recognise what you might be going through, although obviously I can not relate to your origins but only to how you appear to be feeling. Hang on in there!

@ByBrightSloth um so sorry I haven’t been back! I’ve not been very well the last couple of days. Quite sudden. I will try and pm you now, I’m on the browser (so just seen the “thanks”, can’t seem to find notifications on the app). Ok, give me a couple of minutes and I’ll get the link.

Ok, where is the option to pm someone?? I usually use the app so not that familiar with the browser version. I’ve had a look in obvious places and can’t find messages or the option to pm you from your post. I shall persevere! But if I’ve not messaged you by the time you read this then it means I’m lost! So in that case message me first because I’ve found the notifications bit so I’m assuming pm will show up on there? Not usually so useless with stuff like this, but like I said, I’m not very well at the moment and really not at my best!

And where on earth is the edit button everyone has been going on about?! That shouldn't say "um.." it should have said "I'm" and they both come across differently so wanted to change that lol. Now I've been chucked back on to the app so I now need to try and stay on the browser (I've just tried twice and each time I've been flung back here!! Sorry, I am so off my game right now. I think maybe you messaging me first would be a good idea if I continue to being this bloody dumb 🫣 cos I at least know how to find notifications on the browser. God I'm feeling so thick and so unwell 😂

There is a REALLY good book called ‘you are not the problem’ please get that, it’s excellent. The writers have a podcast also.

Read Read Read, the library is free, you will get loads of recommendations of books on here:

You are not the problem

The invisible Lion

are just two. You would be amazed how good they are and some have workbooks too.

Get on the waiting list for therapy, it might be sooner than you think.

Have you or anyone you like with an Employee Assistance Programme in their workplace? You can get FREE counselling with this.

Sorry you went through that. Always have hope.
All the very best.

Ok I think this is beyond my capabilities right now. I found the messaging but but then this…
I think you’re a ghost or changed names? Anyway I’ll wait and see if you pm first then, if you’re still wanting the info.

Often recommended is a book called 'Overcoming childhood trauma' by Helen Kennerley. There are some downloadable resources on the webpage https://overcoming.co.uk/628/Overcoming-Childhood-Trauma---Kennerley and it will likely be in the library or second hand on eBay. The info on the book says:

"It offers you the means to gain control of your life and your feelings, enabling you to deal with any intrusive memories and mood swings, and develop healthy, better relationships in adulthood. Anyone who has endured childhood abuse and continues to battle with its aftermath will find this book supportive and liberating. The book gives you:

An understanding of the range of problems childhood abuse can create
Advice on how to build healthy relationships in adulthood
A structured, step-by-step self-help guide"

The book you wish your parents had read - Philippa Perry is a good start too

there are online therapists that can be very reasonable. 4-6 sessions might help you start to process this. Might be money well spent

'The Body Keeps the Score' is a very good book, though of course the case studies do detail serious trauma. Free suggestions coming from the book would be yoga (you probably know of online yoga like yoga with Adriene) or community theatre.

You can heal your life by Louise Hays could help - it has been a best seller for years but is a bit woo and seen as out of date now I think but give it avtry. Cheap second hand copies available. Lots of positive affirmations.

Sorry! I finally got it! I’ll blame it on being ill! Anyway, have sent the link and told you a little about the org and my experience of it so far. I do hope you can get the help you need soon. I don’t like seeing anyone in a dark place like this, because I know how it feels x
(found how to edit! So my inability to use this site and my annoying number of replies at least appears to have it end up being back up as active and you’ve had more replies since 😁 all for a reason, eh? 😆)

Where in the country (or world) are you? There are quite a lot of options for low cost or free therapy through charities and also services connected to psychotherapy training institutes where you would see someone in the final stages of their postgraduate training. I know of mainly London based options.

The Body keeps the Score is very good. You can also find a lot of Bessel van der Kolk's talks on Youtube. If you can do therapy, you might want to try EMDR. It can be very helpful in the resolution of trauma. Bruce Perry offers some good insights too and NICABM.com sometimes offers free courses.

Well the encouraging thing is that you recognise where these feelings are coming from, and you have identified where others have not treated you in a good way - you're not just blaming yourself or thinking you deserve it.

It sounds like you're having a sort of trauma reaction (albeit one that mental health services are extremely poor at recognising and treating - just mentioning in case you've tried that avenue).

To add to the other suggestions... something I found helpful when going through similar. It may help you.

I found I could sort of split my mind in two - one part had all the difficult feelings, like a frightened child. The other part, the grown up part that knew better, was a sort of substitute lovely parent to the hurting child part. I would actually talk to myself (in my head). So eg. getting ready in the morning, feeling awful - I would really "listen" to the childlike part, be aware of the feelings, often this was expressed (sometimes out loud) as a little voice simply saying "I'm scared". So the adult part in my mind would say "It's ok, you're safe. You're doing so well to get out of bed! Let's put on the cosy dressing gown, shall we? That's it, well done, that feels nice. What shall we have for breakfast?" Etc etc. Basically being the parent/carer for yourself. Lots of loving encouragement as you would talk to a scared/upset child.
Sounds daft but it was one of the most helpful things I did.

Also I found that being more aware of the horrible feelings meant that sometimes I just needed to sit down and weep. If you're used to stuffing these feelings away this can feel terrifyingly overwhelming, as if it will break you - but it won't. Sometimes you need to weep and let it all out until you can't any more, and that is ok. (You will be knackered afterwards though, so time for gentle self-care and rest.)

I hope this may be of some help, and that you continue to find your path to healing. I think you will, as you sound very self-aware.

There is an org that does low cost £25 p/h counselling. You may also benefit from EMDR as it sounds like PTSD. Maybe speak to the GP.

I sympathise OP, I witnessed my mum attempting suicide in front of me, also said she would kill us, I ran away.

I was aware but have blocked it out for 30 years and am now realising where the panic comes from, feeling of being trapped etc. Never talked about it but now I am , I am seeing more post about people who had similar experiences online, maybe coincidence but I do think there is awareness now of the impact of threats of violence as a form of abuse on children.

Self compassion is 100% key and somehow getting it into my long term memory where it belongs. Like PP says being able to parent that scared child.

Aww i just wanted to thank all the kind commentators, not my thread, but I have noted down all these resources.