How do I get back to the old me?

[louise4291]

I've been struggling for a while now and just wondered if anyone has felt the same? I feel like I have lost the old me and I want her back! I'm 40 and although I have a loving partner, nice house, great job and supportive family I feel so lost. I've developed a terrible drinking habit, it's almost as if my looking forward to having a drink and watching something good on TV I'm escaping something? I think back to 10 years ago and I was nothing like this. I did have a horrendous experience at my old job where I was bullied by people who I thought were my friends and I was subsequently kicked out of my job as I made a complaint which I feel has affected my confidence.

Has anyone else felt like this and can offer me some advice x

I did have a horrendous experience at my old job

I'm sure you've joined the dots to pinpoint that experience as the root of the issue - you don't have a drink problem per se, you have a trauma that you're using drink to try to solve. Won't work.

You could well benefit from therapy to either make sense of what happened to you or - as is often the case - to understand that there was no reason for the 'abuse' and therefore it can be safely left in the past. Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis. You can't go backwards but you can recover and go forwards, wiser and stronger.

Thank you, I've had therapy. I think it's a lot of things tbh, I'm 40 and don't have children, own my own home, can't drive etc and I always compare myself to others and feel like I've been left behind. Had an horrendous experience with my ex too (16 years ago!) he cheated on me with a girl he works with, so that would of had an affect too....he is now married with children and in a weird way I think of it as unfair? He has the life I wanted and I don't have that. Just wish I could find my way back to how I was.

Too often we can get stuck in negativity because we're desperately trying to get back to how we felt before the depression or the incident that knocked us down. But you will never get back to that version of yourself, because that version of you didn’t know the things you know now. We don’t get to go back in time and we don’t get to unlearn the things we learnt previously.

Imagine you're in a boat. You can choose to stand at the back, looking at the dirty water churning up in the wake and yearn to go into reverse or you can go to the front and look at the clean, calm water ahead - full of possibilities. The new version of you will be more knowledgeable and more resourceful and have experience in overcoming the current challenges. As such you will be less vulnerable, more resilient and able to do things you previously felt were beyond you.

Dear OP.

You've mention two pretty big traumas, and I imagine there may be smaller ones that have contributed to the way you feel. Then you see you ex having the life you would have wanted with him and perhaps you think 'if only I'd done x or y that would be my life' the same is probably true of the job incident.

Firstly it's not you. Counselling will help you look at this. It is really hard to reframe things when you are feeling the way you are currently.

Being cosy and watching some TV is a nice thing to do. There's no need to feel 'guilty' about that. Do you watch with your partner, it is one of my favourite things too.

You mention drinking is an issue, but I'm not sure how big an issue, could you cut back, there is help available if it is a big issue.

Take some time for you, think about all the fantastic things you do. Get outside more if you can.

If you need to talk Samaritans are on 116123 - not just if you feel suicidal, but also good for a chat.