Social butterfly…instead of coming across like a buffoon

[MandyyMoo]

I really don’t fit in anywhere and this becomes evident when I went out one evening with my work colleagues. I’m crap at dancing and certainly didn’t go near the karaoke so sat with my glass of wine instead. The thought of talking scares me to death but I pushed myself (thanks to the wine) but still managed to talk crap. My words seem to come out making little sense and my face flushes. Two of my managers spoke to me but I could hardly think of what to say back…this happens a lot to me. I’m not even sure I answered one of the questions correctly. I’m mortified. I’m dreading going into work this morning. I hate I can’t respond more easily.

How can I become a social butterfly and make friends easily??? So down over this.

How old are you OP?

You will never be a social butterfly if that's not your personality. However you sound like a lovely person so allow that to come through. Ask people about themselves (for example, how are you? Did you have a nice weekend? How old are your kids? ) I find people love to talk about themselves.

The world needs all kinds of people and not everyone is going to like you.
But smile, nod, seem interested in what others are saying, be polite etc. Do not worry about being a social butterfly.

I know its very hard not to overthink things. I am sure you did not come across as badly as you imagine. And those people you were talking to will not give it nearly as much thought as you expect.

Also don't drink too much alcohol as this can cause increased anxiety the next morning.

At least you went out and socialised with your work colleagues, I would have made up an excuse and stayed at home.

Also because dancing and karaoke are not your thing does not mean you do not fit in anywhere. Plenty of people hate that too and it's impossible to have a proper chat in that environment.

I would hate that environment too so I would leave before that time of night or make excuses to not go or just stay a very short time. Its really not my thing and that's OK.

I saw this article this morning and thought of you @MandyyMoo

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/jun/02/how-learning-about-the-science-of-shyness-helped-me

This is an absolutely perfect answer. She has nailed it in the very first post.

You don’t need to be a social butterfly. There is room for all types of people in the world. Be yourself. Don’t force yourself into social situations you hate and beat yourself up for not enjoying it and not being at your best. You will make friends doing things you enjoy, and you can also be friends with people who like going out without having to share that bit of their life.

What you can do (and I know because I have, I used to be more like you when I was younger) is learn to be good at small talk and everyday social interactions. If you are generally pleasant and positive and interested in people you will come across well. You can also take the initiative with people you get on with - ‘I don’t do nightclubs but do you fancy a coffee some time?’
You can also show you’re not being judgy about the nights out by asking people about it the next week- ‘How did it go on Friday? Did everyone have fun?’

I have also learned that sometimes, saying something idiotic is better than not saying anything at all, so don’t stress too much about it, if you take the initiative and say something a bit banal or daft people are unlikely to be analysing what you said, they will just remember you as the friendly person who struck up a conversation. Shy people can come across as stand offish but it’s easy to avoid that just by saying something as simple as a comment on the weather. You don’t have to be witty or sparkling.