To go back to therapy?

[Postpunkrocker]

This is my first proper post so please bear with me if I don't get the acronyms right.

I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has chosen to go back to therapy and whether it was a useful experience.

I have a history of depression, anxiety and substance abuse and self harm which stemmed from a slightly chaotic childhood, and then compounded by being raped by two men when I was 18 (now 41). As I now know is all too common, I completely suppressed the experience, pushed it down, suppressed negative thoughts with alcohol, fell quickly into what I thought was a safe relationship in my early 20s, but what ended up being controlling and emotionally abusive.

It wasn't until I decided to get therapy when getting divorced when I was 35 that it all came exploding out - I literally mentioned being raped in passing during one of my first therapy sessions and my therapist was like 'wait, what??!?'

In the end therapy was one of the best things I did because it allowed me to reframe the shame I had been carrying around with me for so many years, and truly know that I have nothing to apologise for. The only person who should are the AHs who did it to me. So just to be clear, regarding this, I am OK. I know I still have the tendency to seek validation and feel stung by perceived rejection but I know this about myself and I know how to challenge this side of my thought patterns.

But it was a long and painful process to get there, using a mixture of CBT and DBT in my sessions with the most wonderful therapist who just got me and it. If I could return to her, I wouldn't be posting now as I know I would feel really safe but she is retired and no longer practising. But even with her, it was so hard at the time to unpick so many things, as I consider the idea of going back, I'm totally exhausted by the thought of needing to unpick it all again. I remember coming away from sessions feeling utterly drained emotionally. I don't know whether I have the energy to go through it all again.

So why is it something I'm thinking about now? I'm a new(ish) mother to a wonderful DS (16 months) with a really supportive partner who I know I can have open and honest conversations with. Who I know accepts me for who I am, both the good and ugly - as I do him. He thinks therapy is a good idea.

Because of my mental health history, during my pregnancy, I was under the care of specialist obstetric mental health team and had extra check ins with the midwives and Health Visitors too. And I felt absolutely fine. First six months of motherhood went by and I just kept feeling so grateful that I wasn't showing signs of postpartum depression.

But now the last few months things have really gone down hill. I know that one trigger definitely was the sudden death of my dad last summer. And I know without a doubt that, together with new baby was going to be difficult to navigate. There have been challenging familial relationships to navigate after this, and I also started a new part time job in January. So there has been a lot of change which I expected to be difficult.

But, jeez, my anxiety is now through the roof and I'm castastrophising about the most insignificant things. Or so many things at once I can't ever seem to grab hold of what I'm thinking. But I just know it's bad. I feel like I can't stop worrying about everything all at once and it's getting to the point where I'm have had the the urges to self harm again just to release the tension.

At times I have been able to step back and do my CBT exercises but I'm finding the anxious thoughts are pouncing on my in a completely new way. Before it was more of a slow creep.

But you know what, I think just by writing this, I have answered my own question. Of course I should go back to therapy.

So that's what I'll do. I shall still post - would still love to hear thoughts or words of wisdom. Or be a metaphorical shoulder for anyone else out there who is struggling.

Love to all xxx

Actually while I think about it, any advice of what form of therapy would be best. Should I return to CBT?

My belief is that there's never any harm in going back to therapy at different stages of life! Becoming a mother is one of the biggest changes you can have, so it makes sense that old issues are bubbling up. Finding a person that you connect well with is more important than the modality (CBT, DBT, etc). Good luck!

Hey,

Congratulations on your new-ish baby!

I think you are wise to be thinking about therapy again. You have been through a lot with your history. Then recently giving birth so now having a toddler, facing a bereavement, and a new job. It’s a lot of things.

A well-trained and good therapist will be OK with you having worked through some stuff with someone else and won’t force you to rehash it upfront if you have different but related issues you want to work on now. Past issues might come up, but it is not as if you have to start back where you started before.

It might take a few goes to find the right therapist - some of them seem to feel the need to take a detailed history if you have a lot of past “stuff” but it’s alright to say “I don’t want to unpick all of that again at this point”. A good therapist won’t feel threatened by your fondness for your past therapist or mind that now you are in a different situation to where you were when you first sought therapy.

Regarding modality I think it’s helpful that you know which modalities worked for you in the past (CBT and DBT) because you can talk with a new potential therapist about what about those modalities you found helpful and this can help guide you to finding a good fit. But if you think something different might be interesting maybe the ideal would be a therapist with CBD and DBT training as well as another approach then you can start where you are and work towards other skills as well.

Another point is that your old therapist, even though no longer practising, might have colleagues that they could point you towards, if you are able to contact them and ask about this.

Good luck.

@lifesrichpageant which is exactly the advice I would give someone else. I know this to be true. I'm such a flag waver for therapy, I'm really struck by how resistant I'm being.

I probably have attachment issues to my old therapist 🤣. Oh blimey

@erinaceus this is really helpful - thank you

That's fair! She sounded lovely. It might be useful to bring that up. A good therapist will probably want to hear more about what worked so well for you. And sometimes you will find someone completely different who will surprise you and take you in a different direction but in a good way. And yes I agree with the poster who said that you have been through quite a bit, important not to minimize the events of your life. If I could go back in time I would have gotten some therapy when my child was about your child's age as it would have saved me a lot of heartache and anxiety in those early years.

@lifesrichpageant you are very perceptive - just rereading what I have written and am surprised at how I am minimising and deflecting with humour. Which was one of my coping mechanism in my 20s. I also need to remember I'm not as fragile as I was when I started therapy last time.

Thank you for replying. This has been really helpful is clarifying a lot of things for me. Xxx

Of course go back, but you know that. Personally I found person-centred therapy more helpful than CBT. It's more coaching/talking, unpicking rather than exploring tools to help. But that's just me. Good luck x

Please have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis. Understanding how your mind works, and why it does the things it does, can go a long way to help.