How to talk to 8yo about my self harm scars

[IOYOYO]

I self harmed pretty badly as a teenager, I’m proud to say that with a lot of therapy and work it’s been about 20 years since I last used it as a coping mechanism. I have scars on both of my forearms and one of my thighs - they are all faded and white now, but subtly visible, and some of them were very bad and they show up more.

My DD is 8, she’s got great emotional literacy for a kid of her age and we have a policy of ‘age appropriate honesty’ when she asks questions. Ie - when I was pregnant with her little brother and she was 4, she wanted to know how he got into my tummy, so we explained some basics about sex and bodies, bought her a book, etc.

She’s noticed the scars on my body and when she was younger I just explained what a scar is (a mark left after we’ve hurt ourselves) and left it at that…but twice this week she’s commented on them again: “why do you have so many scars on your leg?” I said “let’s chat about it later when we’re not in the middle of X” and tonight she said “you have a lot of scars on your arms” to which I replied “I do don’t I”.

I don't want to lie to her, as I want for her to feel that we have a relationship she can trust - and that I am (generally) honest and respectful of her. However, I do not want to influence her, plant a seed, or overwhelm with knowledge that she is simply too young to have. I had a very traumatic childhood and she knows that I’m estranged from my father and sometimes my young life was “tricky” but I really don’t plan on telling her the whole story anytime in her childhood…or maybe never. I don’t want her to have to deal with it, and I have my own support system to look after myself - I don’t want her to feel like she needs to do that for me.

BUT - I feel like a moment is coming where more than validating her observations is asked for. She’s smart and i think that a lie about cats or brambles etc, wouldn’t totally make sense to her. She would either leave it, but feel that I’d lied, or she’d keep asking. I’ve often heard experts say that age appropriate honesty is usually better as kids can usually sense a lie, and often their imagination is worse than a thoughtful explanation of the truth.

But I can’t think of even a simplistic and vague description that would make sense and not explain to her the horrors of what self harm actually is.

Does anyone have any insight here? I’d love to hear from anyone who may have had similar conversations with children of similar ages if anyone can share?

thanks

I think your explanation of that are marks from where you had an injury is sufficient you dont want to put the idea into her head

"Mummy's arm got hurt when I was younger but I'm fine now as they have healed. I can tell you more about it when you're older."

I've got no direct experience of this but I am a huge believer in age appropriate honesty and have a 9 year old who's also very intuitive.

How familiar is she with mental health?

Our school is brilliant so kids are well versed in mental health being same as physical health so my instinct would be "sometimes, if someone's very ill with their mental health, it makes them hurt themselves physically. It happened to me when I was much much younger and I used to make cuts on my arm as part of my illness. I have been able to get lots of help and treatment for my mental health so I am better now"

I don't think you need to worry about 'putting the idea in her head'. I think 8 might be a little young to talk about it, but I'm not sure - kids vary in maturity of course.

From my own experience, I said that I was ill when I was younger and I'm better now. I said I will explain more when they are older. My 8 year old and 11 year old seem fine with that. I still remember the transition from shame to feeling slightly less ashamed when my doctor said, looking at my arm, 'ah, is that from when you were ill?'.

I think there is some shame attached to self-harm and it's difficult. You were poorly. Perhaps a shorter conversation now and then a longer one further down the line, if you want to.

Thanks - that’s definitely food for thought. School do a lot work there and I used to work in a nurture group so have always engaged with them on talking about their feelings. She’s starting to understand what mental illness is, we have a few friends who are psychiatrists and she’s asked about their jobs before. I’ve explained to her that sometimes people are unwell in their bodies and sometimes they are unwell in their minds. I’m not keen on rushing this but just starting to consider what I’ll say if/when the time comes.

I think I’ll stay vague for a while yet as pp suggested- I don’t want her to think it’s a way of coping if it’s never crossed her mind. But maybe something like you’ve said will come in handy as she gets bigger.

That’s really helpful - thank you!

I would say I was ill when i was younger but better now, and that when she’s older you can explain more. I don’t think that she is old enough to understand about cutting yourself yet. Perhaps when she is secondary school age.

That’s very much been my feeling too - but I was starting to panic as she’s asking questions. I think she is too little to hear about it, but I just wanted to have an answer rather than a brush off for her. I think “ that was from when I was ill when I was much much younger, but I’m better now” works really well. Thanks for your advice

How about ‘I used to scratch myself very badly when I was very sad’ rather than ‘cut’ when you first have the conversation. It seems a gentler way into it and especially if the scars are very faded it is probably enough for now. It is not really a lie, but just a bit less graphic for her brain to picture.