My MIL makes me ill

[VerySadMummy000]

Hello

Just wanted to ask advice

I am really sad today. I took my DD home from school and there was surprise in our house - my MIL visited today. DD had misunderstanding with her friend and she was crying when we entered the house .MIL came to front door and started to scream at me, that it is my fault that DD is crying, I am abusing DD, and she is going to report me. DH tried to stop MIL, they started shouting and screaming.
At that moment I experienced fight or flight mode, I grabbed DD and went upstairs. Then I started feel unwell. It was so-o-o bad.
DD was comforting me. I staid upstairs with DD until MIL left.
We did not go to say goodbye as I did not want MIL to see me like this.
I feel really bad that my DD saw me in such a state.
And I feel guilty as my MIL is very old.
My DH is late child, and our DD is late child, therefore my MIL is nearly 90 and my DD is 5. I always excusing her behaviour because of age, however, my DH said that she always behaved like this, with all her other kids and grandkids.
I have mental health problem, possible PTSD (domestic abuse) and I can not cope when I hear shouting, I have flashbacks, and I am very ill after her visits.
DH said that she can not help herself, and can not control her behaviour, but even he said that today was worst ever.
I usually coping by taking diazepam before her visits, but today was surprise visit.
In the past we had to move house because she use to come everyday and I was not able to cope.

Would be grateful for advice.
Thanks.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, as easy as it is for me to say, try put today behind you. She’s gone, you’re in your safe space and you will be okay.

How did she get in today? Did dh let her in when you were out? If so then ask him to text or phone you next time that way you’re little bit more prepared for the visit.
It’s okay if your dd seen you not as your best. Tomorrow give her a big hug and thank her for helping you. Explain that sometimes mummy gets upset/ unwell and your dds hugs make you feel better.

I think your dh needs to be firmer with his mum. He needs to explain that she can’t just turn up and she definitely cannot shout in your home. If she continues to do it then sadly visits will be cut as you cannot be shouted at and neither can your child.

Tonight try and rest, focus on all the good things in your life and watch something comforting.

You have to distance yourself. Your husband can go and visit and take your daughter (if your mil behaves herself). Communicate via cards and short and sweet phone calls.

Our mum went a bit batty before she died (she could be an handful but had a relatively sweet and kind nature but towards the end she changed) and went absolutely batshit with one of my sisters (who became her target).

So much so it made my sister ill and even now almost 20 years on she still doesn’t have any photos of mum in her house or speaks about her (so it must have been really bad - we never did find out but ever her incredible mild and gentlemanly husband had muttered a few things about mums behaviour). I feel so sorry for my sister because she really is a lovely person.

She isn’t your mum. You are an adult and a mum yourself and shouldn’t have to be made to feel like this.

If she's going to treat you like that then you're under no obligation to put up with it just because you're married to her son. He can see her if he likes, but she doesn't come to yours.

I wouldn’t accept being treated like that, especially in my own home and in front of my child.
I’d be asking DH to see his mother elsewhere from now on. Boundaries need to go up and you need to be firm about it.

Why can’t she help it?

My mum really couldn’t help it. Dad died a few years before and she really couldn’t cope with that, and then she got ill. I think she was actually in the end game (she died within a few months of the start of the stushie with my sister) and her body was just in shutdown mode.

Thank you everybody. It feels better after your kind responses.

I already stopped visiting her. DH knows about my situation but he still can not say anything to his mum, he just says that she is a very old lady and we just have to accept her. I think one of my SIL took her today. DH was home, so this is how she got in.

She use to be very controlling, she would call me and say what she wants me to wear today, or what furniture I have to buy for my house. It did not bother me, I just said yes and ignored her. (As she is age of my granny) But when DD was born problems started as I refused to do what she wanted.
And then gradually it led to screaming, shouting, and I started to experience fight or flight mode and have flashbacks.

I feel guilty that I am reacting like this.
I think it is the fact that MIL is so old.

Is there an underlying cognitive imparement? Has she seen health practitioners at all about all this?

Maybe, she is nearly 90.
She always been like this, only as she gets older her behaviour gets worst.
It is not possible to reason with her.

This is genuinely insane. I mean, it probably won’t be a problem much longer 😬 but still, you shouldn’t have to deal with this. She sounded wildly abusive and now wildly abusive and with serious mental health concerns.

I’d refuse to have her in my home and if your H wanted to see her, he goes to her.

You have moved from one abusive situation to another .

Your husband is enabling this to happen as what she is doing is absolutely shocking and he is downplaying the abuse ... because that is what it is .

The only way you can feel safe is in the knowledge that she is never to enter your home , your safe space again.

I'm sorry to be harsh but your daughter is very young and she is experiencing the abuse as well ... think about how that inter generational abuse is being absorbed by her . Think about how our experiences around adults as young children lead us to moderate our behaviour to keep the peace ... think carefully about what she has learnt from this and will take subconsciously into her own relationship.

No more contact with her ... having to take diazepam to prep to see her is shocking ... this is completely bizarre!!!

This is a dh issue really. He knows you have to be medicated to be around her, which is incredibly drastic
and he still allowed her to ambush you and scream at you until you cried in your own home.
she’s an old lady, you can accept or cut a bit of slack, but there’s a line. If he’s not willing to consider his wife’s needs above or even equal to his mums I don’t see how the situation can improve