Boosting my confidence

[MiniMumMax]

Hello strangers of the internet.

I’m wondering if anyone has any miracle advice for boosting confidence. I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia since I was a teenager and it’s looming it’s ugly head in a big way in my life.

Rationally I know that I’m not fat. But in my head I’m huge again. I’m desperately trying not to click into horribly dysfunctional eating habits.

I’ve just turned 40 and I don’t have the budget for all the things that lots of women do to make themselves feel less hideous. Teeth whitening, eyebrow shaping. And I work in a field where I’m surrounded by yummy mummies, without feeling like one myself.

I’m trying desperately to be grateful for everything I have. To be thankful for all the wonderful things in my life. But I look in the mirror and see a worn out fat person in crappy old clothes and I don’t know how to change it.

I don’t know who to talk to about it because it sounds ridiculous. It’s about me. About my lack of self belief and self esteem and self confidence and self confidence and I suppose I’m asking- how do I get that back? Where did it go? Where do I find it?

I’m terrified of holiday, feeling like a blobby pasty frizzy haired uncool person on the beach. And I’ve never been like that. I’m not sure where my self esteem has gone.

Any tips/suggestions/book recommendations welcome.

many thanks for reading.

xx

Can you remember why the dysmorphia started? Finding the origin is the first and best step in dealing with the issue.

I lacked confidence from being a teenager. My Mum is the same as me. She used to say things to me like - you shouldn’t wear vest tops, they’re not flattering on your arms (I’ve never been over a size 10, for context, although I am very short) - so I think it all started there.

Yes, I think you're right. You took those comments, which were simply wrong but were perhaps more a reflection on the way your Mum thought about herself, to heart and that's where they've stayed. You CAN turn this around.

On a practical note the first thing that would make you feel different is a good haircut. Is this on the cards?

Yes, not far off. It’s sort of mid length at the moment and I’m toying with having it chopped but I never know what will make me feel more confident. It’s ridiculous. I always think the hair dressers will help me but they just look at me like I’m a bit pathetic! Because I suppose I am.

Try supposing you're not.

Start with this article on Core Beliefs to help understand why this type of thinking started and how you can challenge and change those thoughts;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Hi, so I'm extremely sensitive to comments, thankfully my mum never made any apart from once which triggered 6 months of restrictive eating, until I lost interest. So I know how easy it is, but honestly it's not normal to comment on someone's body or weight, I hate that it is normalised, it's a society issue, not a you issue. However it's difficult to be objective about the words in our heads. But comments say everything about other people and nothing about you.

The other thing to say is it's quite normal I think to have a bit of a wobble around 40, I certainly did and felt a bit invisible. It coincided with lockdown. What I did was overhaul my wardrobe a bit, I sold and decluttered and got myself a bit of a uniform, nothing pricey. Think about what you like about you and what you want to accentuate.

I'm a major minimalist but little things like teeth whitening toothpaste, a good eyebrow mascara style wand, make me feel a bit more together.

The other thing I did was having my colours draped, I think you can do it online too, the only reason I mention this, is that it transformed my confidence. My wardrobe was a mishmash, and it turned out I look best in the brightest warmest colours which I'd never worn because no way that doesn't suit my quiet personality that wants to blend in! It took a little while, but I now have a much smaller wardrobe of clothes that all go together, it's not garish, I wear neutrals with colour pops, which is a fun way to dress, and I spend way less as I can discount 75% of the clothes in a shop, I can see exactly what I have gaps for, make much quicker decisions, get much more wear out of my clothes and have had lots of compliments, mainly though its thr confidence from knowing I'm wearing what looks best on me, I haven't compared myself to anyone since. 😊

I also went to the gym and started lifting weights so the emphasis for me is on being and feeling strong, it's not about weight on scales. It really is possible to shake all the negative thoughts off, as I struggled with yo yo dieting for most of my 20s and 30s. I can still be triggered by a comment but each time I address it, even of just internally/mentally.

It took me about 18 months, 6 months on my wardrobe, 6 months working on strength and 6 months working on mindset. Think of it as a longterm change

So in short follow what you love, follow your intuition, and confidence will follow, and focus on nutrition, strength and a little bit of self pampering : )

Also one simple tip I always put out there for confidence, is wear red. Everyone has a shade of red for them. It has the hallmark of assured confidence and femininity.

Thank you. Lovely, kind advice from both. Will think on and look into all of it.

xx