To not move with husband and stepchildren.

[ShineBright1]

Possible trigger warning…hurting friends dog.

Hello everyone.

At home, it’s myself, husband and our son (8). I have two stepsons (19) & (16)…almost 17.

Sadly, my bonus children’s mum passed away a few months ago. They understandably don’t want to live at their house now with their mums partner. Oldest is staying between their mums partners house (now in his name) and his girlfriend’s house. We have a small two bedroom flat and there isn’t room for them to have their own space so we will be moving to get another two bedrooms to give them their own rooms. Youngest stepson is mostly staying at ours now.

The thing is, I really don’t want to move house and debating whether to move or stay in our current house with our son. My husband would have to move to allow bonus children to have their own space. I don’t think my husband or our families will be happy with me for doing this and think I am being selfish. It’s not as if I’m asking my husband to not move and leave bonus children without anywhere to go, he would be moving with them.

I’m extremely sad about the possibility of not living with my husband if this goes ahead but equally sad about the thought of having to move and let it affect my mental health as I know it will if I do. I don’t think my mental health could cope with moving and living with more people in the house. I feel so torn and confused. I just cry all the time because I don’t know what to do for the best. I am going back and forward trying to work out what to do in my head. I am so confused.

My stepson, (almost 17yo) was staying at his friends house on and off. He hasn’t stayed at his friends house at all in about a week now. He was telling us the other day how his friends dog bit him so he kicked the dog across the room. There were no marks left and no visits to the gp or hospital needed. He was telling us what had happened while laughing about it. It didn’t seem like he felt guilty at all. He was then telling us of another time where I’m assuming it was the same dog who went for his arm so he punched it. Instead of asking his friend/friends parents to remove the dog he apparently punched it twice.

We have a chihuahua who doesn’t seem to like him and growls when he pets him or annoys him. We tell him just to leave the dog alone as it’s a warning. He then comes out with things like, “F off then you little mutt or “well he’s lucky he didn’t get a punch in the p.

My husband just says, “well his friends dog did go for him”but we both know how he is with our dog and doesn’t give me much hope that he wasn’t annoying his friends dog previously.

We were also taking our 8 year old out on his bike to learn how to ride and my husband said maybe if his brother comes along it will encourage him. Stepson says, “I’ll just kick him off it”. I feel he was joking but I just don’t see how anyone should joke about things like that.

Ahh I really don’t know what to do. It’s strange, I just have this gut feeling that I shouldn’t move.

Husband is making an appointment at the GP so they can talk through the situation and get both my stepsons some therapy.

This is also not a new thing since his mum passed away, he has always had this similar type of attitude/behaviour, although not to this extent.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hi OP

It's a very difficult situation
May be discussing with your parents/siblings etc who IMO often give unbiased, good advice
I hope it works out for all of you
Take care

I wouldn’t live with your stepson either, OP. He sounds grim ( covers head waiting for onslaught of the holier than thous).

Have you told DH how you feel and what you are planning?
Bonus children is such an odd phrase.

I absolutely would not want your 8 year old living with his stepbrother. I think it's would be a recipe for disaster.

How does DS feel about his brothers?

I really think you should talk to your husband. He must be extremely worried about his older kids as they come to terms with their mum’s death and that’ll make him extra protective/defensive. That shouldn’t extend to anything which involves his youngest being hurt or upset but you don’t suggest that’s happened.

You don’t say what conversations you’ve had with him about the troubling behaviour before now, if you haven’t brought it up till now it’s not ideal timing.

If you really don’t want to move then don’t but can your household support two homes? Are you okay with this decision leading to divorce? Very tricky all round.

Sounds very difficult, but i have to say if a dog came for me I wouldn't hesitate to kick or punch it away if the owner could not be arsed to control it.

What was your stepson like before he was bereaved?

He's in a very difficult position currently, his dad hasn't got space for him (and hasn't had for a long time it seems, his dad obviously didn't think about his sons needing to be with him before his ex died. You obviously didn't realise they needed to he able to stay either as housing is too small.

The fact that you can't see that you need to have them stay as a priority, months ago you say ... your husband shouldn't have let it get to this stage. Poor kids.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator Thank you. Good idea, I will definitely discuss this with them when I see them next.

I think it's more than reasonable for you to prioritise your own mental health and your 8yr old. I wouldn't move either.
I think it's best to make a firm choice and tell your husband sooner rather than later.

If my child was bitten by a dog, I have to admit that my first thought would be for my child, not the dog.

I am also a bit shocked that you didn't have space for your stepchildren before their mother died, did they never stay before?

I definitely see that this is a really hard situation but I can't see your marriage surviving if you just leave him to this and I assume that matters you

This

' friends dog bit him so he kicked the dog across the room. There were no marks left and no visits to the gp or hospital needed.'

BUT was the dog taken to a Vet ?!!!

' so he punched it. Instead of asking his friend/friends parents to remove the dog he apparently punched it twice. '

was it taken to a Vet that time ?!!!

what are the dog's owners doing allowing this young man near their dog ?!!!

I expect this is why he has not stayed there since...

Can you husband afford to buy / rent somewhere for him and his children ?

can your husband / you afford for you ( and your joint child ) to stay in your current home ?

I would not have this stepchild anywhere near my dog, never mind anywhere near my child !!!

violence towards a dog, twice - that you know of...

already warned you what he will do to your son re the bike - more violence

it will be towards you next

and then his future girlfriend/s / partners / wives

Many thanks for letting me know and I am glad you will do that

Sadly, too many people forget they have parents etc and though at times when you need their help/guidance, you may think, what the heck - very rarely does a parent/s want their kids to suffer

I recall mum telling me off when I was younger, I thought, leave me alone, but looking back - my parents always advised me well

With parents, they wont talk to anyone else about it if you ask them not to

Good luck

@mitogoshi He was always out with his friends and staying over at their house. He was smoking cannabis while there and has recently admitted this to my husband. I did mention to my husband that I was seeing the signs but he didn’t believe it until stepson admitted it to him. His mum never knew either or at least never caught him with cannabis so couldn’t do anything about it.

We are living in social housing and due to them previously living with their mum we were only entitled to a two bedroom house due to them not living with us full time. As they we were down with the local council as living with their mum, she was entitled to the extra bedrooms for them.

I think you're causing yourself cognitive dissonance by referring to them as "bonus children" despite the fact that you clearly active dislike at least one of them. Is it not okay to express your true feelings in your world?

Staying behind when your family moves also feels like a weirdly passive way of looking at it; It's separation from your husband that you're talking about. Which is fine, if it's the best option.

Don’t move.

Does your husband think he is now entitled to different social Housing now their mother has died ?

Why did the partner stay in the property - was it a joint tenancy ? otherwise the tenancy could have gone to the eldest child ?

As a family you would now be entitled to a 3 bed home, but it is very likely the 19 year old would not count, that depends on each individual Local Authority

or if you separated / divorced, then your husband could become entitled to a 2 bed property - however that will depend on how long the waiting list is in that LA and if your husband realises he and youngest son - yet again it depends on the LA if they count the eldest child is being the father's responsibility. would probably be put in temp housing.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

Yes, he would now be entitled to more bedrooms as they no longer live at their previous house.

This was not a joint tenancy and their mums partner did not live with them so my eldest stepson would have been able to take the house over but their mums partner has 5 other children staying in that house so they signed the house over to him so the younger children could stay in it.

Yes, the 19 year old counts as it’s an extra person. My local authority allow one bedroom for each single person or sharing if they are siblings.

Have your step children not had overnights with their dad for sometime as you're saying no room for them? That'll be another hard thing for them to take on. What about when your dh has his time with joint dc, will he have a room at the new house?
Your want to not live with more people doesn't mean your son can't live with his dad.

Tbf I would tread carefully on here with wording as well if I had dependent step kids. People are knobs to stepmothers. No matter what the wording it would have been wrong.

@IncognitoUsername

Yes, he goes very quiet and doesn’t talk about it, which I understand as he wants us all to move.

Poor, poor kid. He’s lost his mother and his home. I cannot imagine how traumatised he is.

I don't think you would be unreasonable at all to prioritise your own and your son's safety and well-being. It's for DH to look after his teenage children.

I don't think the term 'bonus children' is appropriate in this context.

Is your current flat in your sole name?

When you talk about your husband moving to a larger property, do you mean applying to the Council for 3-4 bed house?

Don't move OP.
Your son and you will suffer if you do. (As well as definitely your dog.)
Don't let your husband emotionally blackmail you into it - your first concern must be for your son