Sad about how life is turning out, could do with a hand hold

[iwentjasonwaterfalls]

I've tried writing this out a few times and got rid of it, then my phone died and got rid of it all, feels like a message from the universe to stop trying 😂

I am just feeling really shit and could do with a vent more than anything. I have a brain tumour that is low grade but causing many symptoms. Surgery is too dangerous. I've lost my career and my independence and it feels like I've lost all control over my life. I'll never live a life that isn't controlled by a rock in my brain, I'll never be able to get away from it and no amount of hard work is going to get rid of it. I've been in difficult situations before, and I have always been able to get back to a good point by working hard. Nothing has ever felt hopeless, but this does, and I don't know how to handle it.

My DH is amazing but I don't want to offload on him all the time. I have friends but they all have stuff going on and I like being there for them and supporting them when they need help, but it means I then don't feel like I can talk to them about my stuff because they've got their own things to deal with. People on the outside hear "low grade" and assume that because it's cancer, it isn't causing any issues - I thank my lucky stars every day that I don't have cancer, but I'm also terrified of SUDEP or the tumour growing further into my brain stem and affecting my ability to breathe, or causing a stroke or a haemorrhage, or chemical meningitis, or any of the ways this could paralyse or kill me and there's no way of expressing that properly to people, they hear brain tumour and it's either "cancer" or "you're fine and surgery will fix you". It's a rare type, too, so finding people with the same type is difficult enough, let alone those with the same symptoms and experience .

Sorry this is an essay. I feel so lonely and sad.

I’m so so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I totally understand what you mean about the effects of ANY brain tumour whether it’s cancerous or not. My partner has a benign tumour which has turned our lives upside down.
This Facebook page is really helpful and supportive - don’t know if you’ve come across it yet? Take care xxx

Thank you, I've requested to join the group. I'm getting counselling through The Brain Tumour Charity and I'm part of a support group through their Young Adults service, but that will stop when I turn 30, so I think that's probably adding to the feeling of loneliness too! Hopefully joining this brainstrust group will help mitigate that. Thank you x

Oh I’m so glad you’re joining the group - I think you will find support there. I think they have meet ups too in some parts of the country so it’s possible there might be something near you.
You mentioned you don’t like to burden your friends as they have problems and I get that but you know, try to think of it the other way round - you said yourself that you like to help them and they will feel the same. It’s always easier to help someone else with their problems than your own! It doesn’t sound as though you would totally forget them and their issues - by opening up to them they will feel useful and valued and will then feel it’s an even more balanced friendship. Does that make sense? Be kind to yourself - you’re so young and life is so unfair but I hope that you find some people you can talk to on the group. Xxxx