As the title says really. Left stbxh almost 6 weeks ago, after 17 years together, had tried to leave before but he wouldn’t let me so this time planned everything and then left when he was out of the house. Am staying with DSIS, we’ve always been extremely close and she’s very kindly said I can stay as long as I need. Things between me and stbxh have been amicable-ish for DD’s sake, I mean they haven’t really and it’s been hard with him badmouthing me to people one minute and begging me to come back and offering me the world the next, but there’s been no explosive anger or threats of suicide which has happened in the past I was expecting. We have very limited contact, just to swap DD’s special nighttime things when she stays with the other one of us. He’s being investigated for bipolar disorder and I think he’s hoping that’ll be his “get out of jail, I’m not really like that, I was ill” card.
I think I was unhappy for so long and wanted to leave for so long that when I did I thought everything would be magically better and although there was an initial sigh of relief the more time that’s passed the more I feel like this has damaged me and I’m scared I won’t ever be the person I was before, or the person I wanted to be when I left and was daydreaming about it. There was no physical abuse towards me, although he would hit/kick/throw things, and the abuse was emotional, verbal, financial and sexual, as well as him being very controlling and jealous. I feel like now I’ve taken a step back and thought about things I went through a hell of a lot and endured actual trauma, and I don’t think I appreciated how bad it was until I left.
A couple of times I’ve found myself either breaking down into hysterical tears in front of a close friend over something that wasn’t that much of a big deal, or feeling almost like I was on the verge of panic attack and practically hanging up the phone over a disagreement over something that was literally just a difference of opinion, after that phone call DF even said to me “I’m your friend and it’s ok if we don’t agree on something, don’t run away from me, even if you wanted to attend couples counselling and reconcile I’d say that sounds like an absolutely terrible idea, but I’m still your mate and I’ll still support you and have your back”.
I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, and I’m so scared of the few friends I’ve managed to retain getting a bit fed up with me, or me pushing them away. I’m on a waiting list for CBT but the estimated wait is 5 months, and if I'm honest (and I apologise if I offend anyone here I’m just trying to be honest) I feel like I’m a pretty intelligent person, I know my issues and my triggers and I don’t really see how CBT would change your thought processes so drastically? I’ve started practicing mindfulness and yoga, and I do feel calm in those moments but it just sneaks up on me when I’m having a fairly good day otherwise. Does anyone have any helpful advice or ideas? Is time just the best healer?