DH says I don't ask about his mental health enough?

[BobbyBibby]

Name changed.

DH has a mental health condition that makes life very difficult him, as well as for me and DD. I have to do basically everything around the house, and mitigate all sorts of issues to keep him from spiralling. He's in therapy, so trying to get better, but it's a long road. Life can be very difficult for the three of us, but I've been trying to hold the family together despite everything.

He just told me I'm not supporting him. I said that I do absolutely everything I can to help him avoid breakdowns, encouraged him to seek treatment, and like I said, everything around the house, but he said I'm not asking him how he's feeling. I think I do ask him but more in a general "how was your day" type way, as previously when I've asked how his mental health is doing (admittedly not often I guess) he just refuses to talk about it or basically says a "bad, obviously" type of response. He tells me when he's having a bad day and I ask how therapy is going occasionally, so that seems about right to me?

I'm feeling shitty now even though I do my absolute best to help him every day. Am I being horrible by not asking him directly despite never getting much of a reply, or would you expect my other questions to be about right?

Hmmm. Depends. What sort of MH issue and what therapy??
I ask as someone who was so depressed they could hardly get out of bed. Only medication, hard work and CBT made me better. My spouse asking for MH updates wouldn’t have helped at all. A hug was welcome though. Or an “I love you no matter how crap you feel!”

What MH issue does he have? Does he have an official diagnosis? My DH has a very serious MH illness( Bipolar) and is under secondary care with the local care Trust. He has a consultant psychiatrist and a CPN. He does have issues that " trigger" him, but we have coping strategies in place, no one tip toes around him and he more than pulls his weight round the house.

You should NEVER have to tip toe around things on a constant basis to stop him spiralling, and he should be able to help you round the house. If you and young child are in fear of him, something is very wrong. Do you have external support? Are you part of a carers group?

I would ask to speak to his therapist, go along with him to sessions if need be. I would tell him the weight of carrying everything is crushing you and you want to register yourself as a carer so you can get the support you need. If he pushes back against this, it's more than likely he's overplaying the illness as an excuse to treat you badly- and I say that as someone who is a full time carer.

Hmm. He seems VU here.

How often does he ask about your day? Does he support you? How long has he been mentally unwell? Why does his MH stop him from doing anything around the house?

How long are you prepared to put up with this for?

You are clearly giving a huge amount of practical support and showing that you care by doing this. You can't fulfill every role for him, it's too much. For him to expect that is completely unreasonable.
His mental health is not your responsibility.
A relationship is 50/50 with both partners giving each other support. Do you feel like he supports you and your relationship as much as you support him? If not, try pointing that out when he tells you next that he needs more from you.
He has a therapist he can talk to, you are providing support in other important areas. You are happy to listen but to tell you that you are not doing enough feels unreasonable to me.
Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick. I to live with someone with poor mental health and my answer is probably coloured by my own situation.

He has serious contamination OCD. He's diagnosed, been in therapy and on meds for about 3 years.

He has a therapist already. You are a partner who is supporting him practically, mentally and emotionally but as a lay person. Anything else he needs a professional to guide and support him. He's asking too much of you and you should tell him that.

How often does he ask you how you are? Does he realise how much harder it is for you to live with him? Does he show appreciation for everything you do?

I actually did have some therapy myself (he knew and encouraged this) to help deal with his MH. It's had a huge impact on us. He is terrified of contamination (initially triggered by COVID, but has moved on to other contaminants).

He does support my needs in general, and appreciates the effort I have to put in for him. The relationship is usually good as long as he's not having a major flare up, which unfortunately he is currently.

@OttersAreMySpiritAnimal, thanks, your comment that he has a therapist to talk to about his MH makes a lot of sense to me.

@Redannie118 , I do often think it would be beneficial for me to attend one of his sessions. I do think he's telling the therapist the truth, but he doesn't like discussing the sessions with me because he of course may need to discuss our relationship etc. as part of what he's experienced that week. Which makes me think I'm causing him more MH issues, which I obviously don't want to do!

@LittleGreenDragons he does appreciate life has been very difficult for all of us. He's in treatment to get better but it does seem very slow unfortunately.

And what about your Mental Health? Does he ever ask you how you're coping? Chronically ill people can sometimes develop a serious self centredness - everything becomes all about them and only they matter.

It seems that your husband has slipped into this.

Being so self centred in a relationship is only sustainable for so long, before it destroys the relationship.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra No, he doesn't really ask about my MH actually, other than encouraging me to have some therapy when I felt I needed it. I used to have great MH but I've certainly not felt as strong as I have done in the past couple of years.

As for self-centredness, it's true that the focus is often on how he's feeling, but I think it's because he's just so terrified of these perceived contaminants. I do believe he's doing his best, although he certainly can't compromise in that area.

Ah it’s self indulgent bollocks. I was in therapy for a while, DH made space immediately after my psychiatry appointments to see if I wanted to chat which I really appreciated and sometimes I would want to mull something over and he would listen. But it would have been ridiculous for me to expect him to enquire about it. Often I found it extremely difficult to talk about.

He also supported me through severe PND, I couldn’t see at the time but I was extremely selfish. Mental health problems can make you very prone to self pity and navel gazing. I think you need to spell out exactly what you are doing for him. DH had to do it for me and it helped me pull myself together (I’m talking about doing 11 hour days working on three hours sleep because I couldn’t cope with the baby for months, I genuinely couldn’t see it, I’m not normally like this, I love my husband and was distraught that he was on the verge of seriously burning out trying to help me keep myself together).

How much more can you possibly give? Who supports you? When does your support cross the line into enabling, and how willing is your husband to push through his discomfort deal in order to help you? Never?

You don't have to live like this, op. You can love someone and still not be able to remain in a relationship with them. You matter, too. What effect is this having on your child?

I have had severe contamination OCD and it’s something I continue to have to manage actively day to day.

When I was at my illest, I became incredibly controlling and selfish to those around me. I felt constantly under attack from the world (in my case in the form of germs / poison) and at that point could not understand why everyone wouldn’t just do everything the way that my OCD was telling us to do things - because why couldn’t they understand how horrendous I would feel if we didn’t follow the rules my brain decided were necessary. How safe I felt and the level of contamination I perceived were the primary objects of my focus and I believed that if my parents didn’t do everything in their power to make me feel safe and avoid any contamination, they couldn’t really love me. This included providing endless reassurance that everything was okay and giving me lots of attention to listen to my obsessive thoughts.

Once we had some family therapy sessions as part of my treatment, and I started to really climb my OCD ladder, I realised how unreasonable I was being and that was a real turning point for me. With the support of my therapist, my parents gave me some really tough love whilst also helping me overcome the worst of my illness.

But in the height of my illness, I really did not believe I was unreasonable nor understand just how self centered I was.

In my own relationship now, I have given my DH full reign to tell me if he feels like I am getting to that place again. I need tough love to help drag me out of that spiral into all consuming self-centred controlling ness.

You sound like you are being an absolute rock holding your family together under some most difficult circumstances. You are not being horrible, in any way shape or form.

Have you had any family or joint therapy sessions with whoever he is working on his OCD with?

Is he at the place where he realises he is being unreasonable and irrational or not?

You are generous is sharing your story @cherryassam, thank you!
It's really hard for a partner to know what to do in the midst of it all. Now the worst has passed for us on that front I can see that some of what I did, which I thought was helping, that he would tell me he needed, was actually enabling and I shouldn't have accommodated it.
We're still suffering the effects because I have allowed expectations to be set in place around my own life and behaviour that are limiting, so he can be more comfortable. I felt I shouldn't put myself first if it affects someone else's mental health. And now I can't get out of that way of thinking.
i should never have compromised so far. The end result is if I want to do anything that he isn't comfortable with I have to battle myself and him to get to do it, which sucks the joy out of it anyway. Think holidays and days out. Theatre, cinema, dancing, weddings... I could go on.
my point is, I should never have allowed his MH to dictate that I not do these things in the first place, as then I wouldn't be in this situation now.

Look carefully at the compromises you are making and challenge why. You can't affect his behaviour and will have to deal with his MH regardless, but you can control your own choices.