It's taken a lot for me to write this. And admit it. But I've known for a long time that I'm mentally unwell.
I manage to get by and I think people just assume I'm 'intense' or can be 'fiery' or 'overworry'. Because I hide it well and always have done.
If people could see into my mind or my online behaviour was exposed everyone would be shocked.
I don't know what's wrong with me but I know something is. Maybe it'll help if I describe.
I fixate intensely on a 'thing' and it becomes an obsession eg a character in a tv show. I won't voice this to anyone I know but I'll spend every second of my spare time immersing myself. If something happens that disrupts how I think the show/character should go or be I will become angry or depressed. I'll rant online over and over and over.
You might think that I need to be better occupied or I'm some sort of loser but I've got loads of friends, a brilliant job I love, a family. From the outside it looks like I'm busy and happy and fulfilled and ... I am. I just don't understand this at all. But I've always had these fixations that absolutely consume me. It's more than being a 'fan' - because I'm often NOT a 'fan' I'm often angry or depressed. I can stop watching but it remains in my head constantly.
But this is a facet of a bigger issue.
My mood fluctuates rapidly. I can go from being extremely happy to very upset extremely quickly. Often provoked by something happening with my fixation OR because I've become over stimulated eg too much going on at once. It's hard to explain but it's like it's an instant out of the blue 'I can't cope. Enough of this'.
As I say most people would never know. I might seem snappy or moody if things get intense because I suppress it a lot. But in my head I'm all over the place. Faking being balanced and normal is exhausting and I feel tired all the time.
I can't go to the doctor because I don't know what to say. I don't have depression because I can be exceptionally happy in long bursts.
Im also not sure I can explain things like 'I'm really into a TV show' without it sounding banal. Because it's so much more than that.
That's an example. If it isn't the tv show it would be something else. The fixation when it wanes is ONLY because it's been replaced with another one.
If I could describe myself in a sentence it would be : quietly unstable.
Like a very average looking house that seems very ordinary and nice but the foundations are totally fucked and could collapse at any moment.
I feel like I need medication to calm the noise down and level my mood out but I don't know what to even suggest is wrong with me.