All seems so b***** hard

[boobum]

Feel like a whinge bag for posting but really feel and have felt for ages that I need some support. Have put off posting for so long as don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself (I am!) and know there are people with far worse things to worry about.

I think the main problem is (bear with me, I'm typing as I think it, not trying to word it 'right'!) that I just feel so lonely all the bloody time.

I have recently stopped (gradually) taking prozac after 3 and a half years and although I do actually feel better and more like me, everything seems more 'real' again.

I feel like such a failure to admit to anyone how I feel (pathetic eh) but the main problems are family related. Both mine and my husbands side of the family are problematic and not supportive. My mum, as much as I love her, is a nightmare and has caused me much upset over the years.

I just feel like such a weak person and wonder if this is because of my dysfunctional upbringing. I question every flipping thing I do and constantly dislike myself.

Sorry to go on. I will get through this. I have to. And I know I've been vague. It just helps to write/type it down.

God gave us our relatives, thank God we can choose our friends. sorry to drag God into it.

Do you have many social contacts in RL? Neighbours, workmates, parents of your dc's friends?

Thanks for replying. I do have friends/people I can chat to but don't feel comfortable talking to them about how I feel. I definitely have trust issues with people having been let down so much by family growing up (feel like I'm wallowing again!). I am chatty etc but tend to keep relationships on a superficial level. Think if people knew the real chip-on-the shoulder me, they'd run a mile.

My dad left us when I was twelve to live with a 16 year old. many turbulent years followed with him and my mum getting back together on and off. LOTS of arguing, police situations etc. My dad is now a heroin addict and has never had any interest in me or my three younger siblings and my mum has a drink problem.

The thing is to outsiders we seem like a normal-ish family (that probably doesn't sound possible).

I'm just so fed up of feeling so weak. So much want stability for my child but just feel like a soft pathetic idiot in everyday life with no strength of character.

Don't expect anyone to respond. It just helps to finally get it out to someone/somewhere other than my poor husband!

If it helps, you are not alone. I know a lot of people who come from dysfunctional families, me being one of them,and the difficulty can be in valuing yourself, in spite of not coming from a 'normal' family....actually i dont think there is any such thing.
Be kind to yourself, we all have times when we feel weak, but you are not.xxxx

Hi boobum..so sorry to hear you are feeling so down about things. Don't really know what to say but you will get support on here. You have had a lot to deal with (I thought my family was disfunctional!!) (no disrespect)..You are not weak. don't put yourself down hun, you're not pathetic. I agree it does help to get things off your chest to whoever will listen really! xx

Hello Boobum, is there any way that you could perhaps get some therapy? It might do you the world of good to talk to a professional who would be able to guide you through the emotions that your upbringing has left you with.

I know how hard it is to be coming off medication - I'm coming off Venlafaxine at the moment and it does somehow seem as if the world has got a shade darker and more threatening. I think that this is my body settling into life without meds (or as many meds as I have been on!). The only way to beat the depression for good is to recognise your negative behaviour patterns and be able to change them. I really believe that therapy can help with this.

Sending you lots of warm hugs. You are worth it and you might want to check out a thread under Relationships www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/488192

Boobum - I think counselling would be a good idea too and you might ask your gp about being referred for it.

Remember that whatever your parents did is their responsibility. They did it. You didn't. It's not your fault, and you are not doomed to repeat their behaviour either. You are yourself and you have choices.

Thanks everyone for your replies! I'm not into blaming the past etc for how I am( although I don't condemn anyone who is). I think we could all probably blame the past for some aspects of our personalities. I try to make changes and be a strong positive person for my son. Although I do recognise that lots of us have been 'shaped' by our rubbish upbringings.

Sorry, I'm waffling. Just to write down a bit about my set up and to receive responses has helped. Thank you for that.

I'm sure that counselling would help, as some of you have suggested, but I have a huge barrier about talking to anyone. Silly I know. That's why being able to release on here is such a huge help.

One step at a time.
it isnt silly to feel difficulty in talking about your pain and feelings, especially if you have held them to yourself for a long time.
I think MN is great for giving you the push sometimes that is needed to help with making positive changes.
You have support of people on here, and hopefully that can give you the courage to get the support you need 'out there'.
But when you are ready for it.

Thanks for responding everyone. It helps to know people have taken the time to reply. Off to do school pick up now. X