Why am I so crap at life

[blackheartsgirl]

Does anyone else feel like they’re going through the motions every day and have no life except work and the house.

everyday I see people jetting off on holidays and short breaks away or going on days out with their families or partners. It’s not even money as I have a little money put aside but rather it’s everything else that prevents me from going.

my dh died 3 years ago and with it our dreams of a happy family, my dc lost their stepdad who they adored and back in Novemberi also lost my mum.

I literally have no one else in my extended family, it truly is just me and my dc, family all dead, I’ve never had aunts uncles or cousins anyway and my only brother lives in Germany.
My dc dad turned his back after my dh died and has blanked his dds so everything is down to me.

i work, my life at the weekend consists of lifts and pickups for the dds and both have problems themselves, dd3 is 14 and has asd and for years is stuck to me like cue, wont let me go out even to craft club without constantly ringing me and crying when am I home (she has asd but is in mainstream) dd2 16 sleeps all day and refuses to go to college so I just don’t bother to go out anymore.

my ds is 25 with kids also with asd/adhd and is also putting pressure on me to babysit all the time his eldest who is also asd/adhd and is hard work because he can’t cope with her either when he has her for contact and my dd1 in uni has left me with her dog because she is a handful and quite bitey and so she doesn’t want to know (she also has asd too) the dog can’t be left with anyone so even if I wanted to go out I can’t as my dds can’t cope with her.

im so depressed, and ill, i have adhd myself, im unmedicated due to heart issues and kidney disease , i overeat im overweight, I have nothing going for me, my kids speak to me like im a piece of shite, everything’s my fault I’m useless.

im so tired all the time, I can’t be bothered to do things and I just don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t think you really understand what we’ve been through as a family. Seriously.

im not blaming asd I’ve lived with it for years and in the past we’ve been for the walks, etc etc and I coped. When my dh was alive.

i am seriously seriously down and to be honest you’ve just affirmed what u suspected all long and it is my fault and I’m just a really human being. I’m definitely not fit to be here anymore. I self harm anyway, just one more step. So thank you for confirming what I need to do

I walk most days up to 3 miles, weather permitting and heart condition permitting, dd comes with me sometimes not. She is also very active, they all are, they all play sport…. Doesn’t help one bit

I understand. It's awful. I've been on Sertraline years that doesn't help. I have a husband who works away and my teen girls don't listen.

It seems like you're in a daze like I am.

People that say "get out walking it will help you feel better can fuck off" I bet you don't even want to wake up most mornings do you never mind go out?

No advice sorry.

I didn't see the bit where you said you're autistic. So am I.

Thank you. I do have adhd but I’m not autistic. I think I’ve just really really hit a brick wall now. I think dealing with my own grief (which I haven’t been doing) and coping with everything else has just made me hit rock bottom.

i do feel in a daze. Finding my mum dead didn’t jel either and marrying my dh in hospital after a very sudden and shock diagnosis of cancer. He died days later.

yep people who think you can just walk off your depression can get in the bin, I’ve already tried that

You sound very depressed OP which is completely understandable considering all you been through and all you're trying to deal with. Are you on/able to take anti depressants? Have you have any counselling to deal with your grief?

Are there any small things you can do to make your life that little bit easier? Can the dog be rehomed? if dd can't manage the dog that is not your problem and it should never have been dumped on you, she needs to take responsibility.

Can you put in clear boundaries around what baby sitting you will do with ds and his dd? For example - you are welcome to bring dd here to visit, but you need to stay here with her too. It is not fair on her or you for him to be palming her off on you every time he's supposed to have her.

What's going on with dd2? Is she depressed too? Does she have a diagnosis?

Please stop beating yourself up. You've lost 2 loved ones within the last 3 years. That in itself would be enough to knock the wind out of most people's sails. On top of the grief you've been left in you have a less than straightforward burden. I imagine you feel frazzled and can't see any solutions because you just don't have the headspace. Say no to your DS. He is an adult and will have to figure his own DC out. Can you rehome the dog?

Is there any respite available for DDs? Might that be worth investigating? Does the 16yo have any professional help?

yes I do need to start saying no to my ds, it’s getting to the point where I’m dreading my weekends because I just know he’ll turn up every sat and expect me to have her. She is not very well behaved either and is incredibly stressful at times. I love her but she is hard work.

i do have her on fri but after that I will start saying no. I feel sorry for her for various reasons which is why I’ve had her so much.

The dog does need rehoming I agree, the dds are wary of her as she has bitten before, dd1 pestered for the dog and as soon as she became difficult she dumped her on me and skipped off to uni.

respite is impossible at the moment wouldn’t know wear to start and I’m on medication but it’s stopped working

You are expecting too much of yourself You are doing fine

I’m not surprised you’re feeling as you are you’ve been through so much and like any mum are supporting your kids through it too.
My dh passed away last year and my dad the year before.
Like you I have no family, the nearest a cousin 180 miles away that I rarely hear from. My dd is currently traveling and has been away for 5 months. Last year was extremely difficult as she wasn’t coping or dealing with losing her dad so I like you had no time for my grief. It’s only now that it’s hitting home and I’m struggling to cope with how I feel.
I don’t know what the answer is as nothing will change but maybe some help in dealing with the losses you’ve had. Like others have suggested maybe antidepressants and grief counselling. You’ve a lot going on and you can’t deal with it all at once or while you’re feeling so bad, so deal with one thing at a time and hopefully things will start to improve.
It’s not easy losing your partner and most people have no idea what it feels like. I’m on my own all weekend, thinking about all the stuff we did as a family which has stopped and thinking about all my friends and what they’re doing with their families. I feel guilty because I should go for a walk or go out and have a coffee but I’ll just be doing it by myself so I think what’s the point and I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I just wish I didn’t feel so bad for wasting my life.

Ps you’re not crap at life, life hast been very fair on you.

I'm glad that you've already made a few tentative steps to sorting this situation out OP. It does sound completely overwhelming and very shit indeed.

1. Say 'No' to your DS. You can't take on his DD and whether you feel sorry for her or not, she's his DC and he needs to deal with her.
2. Rehome the dog.
3. Speak to your GP. Have you tried anti-depressants? Ask for help with your weight - maybe a chat with a dietician or just see what resources might be available to you.
4. The walking may not make you feel heaps better, but it's good for your health.
5. You might benefit from grief counselling or a grief support group.
6. It is shit. It's okay to acknowledge that. But I think if you do the above it will really help you to get back some control in your life.

Yes I was just coming on to say all of the above ^^

No wonder you feel in a daze op! Just coping with grief is hard enough without all
of your other caring responsibilities.

You are obviously a very conscientious and competent person but anyone would struggle in your situation. So please do not assume you are crap at life! No one would be relying on you so much if that were true!

I often think that there needs to be far more help for families with ND teens as CAMHS are under resourced.

Please reach out for help op. You’ve reached your limit and beyond. You can’t be expected to look after the dog or your son’s child any longer. And then you need some help with your teens from gp, school, maybe an autism charity so that you can get some respite and look after yourself too.

Hang in there op 💐. I know things look terribly bleak atm but in a few years time you may look back and see this as a turning point because once you put boundaries in place, the people will have to learn to look after themselves a bit more to the best of their ability and that’s no bad thing for THEM and you op 💐

You are not crap at life. You are doubly bereaved and run ragged. You desperately need a break.

You say you have some money set aside. Can you afford an all inclusive week somewhere safe and warm, where you and DDs can laze by a pool, read trashy novels and magazines, eat and drink without having to clear up after yourselves? Just a week of doing nothing. Tell DDs to bring laptops, earpods, everything they have that allows them to zone out. Don't chivvy them if they sleep all day - just allow yourselves to be. Tell them you are shattered and need a break. Explain you don't 'want' a break, you 'need' a break.

Meanwhile, practise self-care. I know it is a cliché, but it does make a difference. Meal plan a week of food that is nutritious but takes zero effort from you (I can suggest some if you like - I had post-viral fatigue for several years and needed to learn a lot about self care).

Focus on things that improve your life but require zero effort or less than 5 mins effort. 2 mins is a good start point. So: put on your favourite uplifting music in the morning. Make your favourite brew in your favourite mug and watch the birds while you drink it. Do a gentle 2 minute set of stretches, or listen to a 5 minute soothing morning meditation.

5 minute tidy-ups are brilliant. I live by them. Set a timer for 5 minutes and tidy the biggest eyesores and obstacles in a room. Stop when the timer sounds. Doesn't matter if you haven't finished.

A lovely tip I learned is:
Plan something tiny to look forward to each day - maybe a comedy on TV or a bath with a mug of tea and a book.
Plan something small to look forward to each week - maybe a night at the cinema with DC or your craft club, or a walk somewhere beautiful
Plan something medium to look forward to each month - maybe a trip to see a show or stand up comedian, a music gig or day at the beach
Plan something big each season - could be a holiday or room redecoration
Plan one good achievement each year: choose a single goal and work towards it - could be decluttering or losing a stone in weight or joining a bereaved counselling group.

Don't worry if some of this is too much at first. Do the easy small stuff until it comes naturally then ramp up.

With your ASD DD and craft club, can you just familiarise her with the process - plan what to expect with her? Explain you'll text when you arrive, at tea break and when you set off home, to reassure her. Meanwhile encourage her to self soothe in the hours you are gone. Could she get into some gaming or binge watch some TV show she loves? Set her up a cosy space with favourite blanket, cushions/cuddly toys/cat, treat drink and snack bought specially for while you are gone. It may take a few sessions but aim for her to get through the session only calling once and then without calling you after a few weeks. Build up to that goal and reward it. Long term, you will both have more freedom and relaxation if she learns to self soothe.

Speaking as someone who also has ADHD, it can make you feel crap at life. But you're NOT. You're dealing with a lot and still here! I know you said you can't take meds due to health conditions. Have you spoken about non-medical help? There are also some drugs that are not stimulants which might be more palatable if you speak to your Dr.

I agree. Just coping with life is SO much harder with ADHD, let alone bereavement. I used to wonder why I was so shit at life, how everyone else seemed to cope so easily and I just couldn't handle the basics. And that was without all the trauma and responsibilities you endure, OP. You are probably doing a phenomenal job just holding things together as best you can, and you might not realise this until you are through the worst of it.

I also have ADHD and found Flylady a life saver to keep on top of the house- not her whole routine, just her really easy 5 and 10 minute routines.

Exercise helps a lot with mood and energy. It helps with the overeating too (which is a symptom of ADHD so don't judge yourself harshly for it). If you can't stop overeating, doing a 10 minute weight training or HIIT session a day helps compensate.

OP, are there any things you specifically want to discuss on here? Things you want support with?

This post is so compassionate and full of good advice! Have copied and pasted in to my notes!

I don't know what the first person said, but they are a complete idiot. Luckily the rest of the thread is fantastic, some of these coping tips are very good indeed.

I've been in a similar situation, OP, lost my husband, left with children with issues, and it is so tiring, I also felt like it wasn't worth putting one foot in front of the other, but I did and eventually, with the help of friends and anti-depressants, things have shifted towards being more positive.

I agree you don't need the extra childcare and the dog issue- these are urgent to fix and if you fix these, you can then start to look after yourself just a little bit more.

OP, So very sorry to hear about your struggles and also to hear about the loss of your DH and your Mum. No wonder your morale is low, you are grieving as well as being run ragged and trying to juggle all your responsibilities single handed.
Please take on board the great advice you've had here, especially prioritising yourself more and putting firm boundaries in place with your family.
Deal with the things you can tackle straight away, eg rehome the dog and say no to your son about his childcare issue. He should be stepping up and looking after his child himself.
Do try to take some small steps towards self care, anything that helps you relax and take some time for yourself. You've got such a lot on your plate you deserve to put yourself first for a change. To me you sound like you are doing an amazing job in just holding it all together.