I'm worried that my partner's depression would make parenting too hard for me. Any experiences?

[britxabroad]

I've been with my partner for 2 years and we're both in our mid 30s so really thinking it's time to decide whether or not we want to have child/ren.

We have a stable, loving relationship & good income and a spare bedroom in our nice flat but the fact that we both live with my recurrent depressive disorder worries me. My own mental health is such that even on "bad" days I'm still to get on with what needs to be done; I think being a nurse is a big part of that. My BF on the other hand works from home: If he's having a bad day or few days he procrastinates greatly and can even end up not being able to do anything except "chill, fun" things until it's passed. He can become very emotionally withdrawn etc and other things usual to depression. It's never been more than a few days at a time since we've been together but in general he has a higher sleep need than average and also has to nap in the day. When he's low he also becomes overly dependant on his parents input which feeds their over-involvement. His Mum especially has voiced feeling benefit from having a son with depression as it has extended reliance on her on a bigger level than usual.

The other day he was having a bad spell and I came home from work to find he left for an appointment in a hurry: He left the toilet in a filthy state, left a window on tilt which was dangerous for our cat etc. It got me wondering if this would all be too much on top of a baby. On the other hand, I know plenty of women happy to constantly clean up behind partners, constantly motivate them to do the basics etc and when my BF isn't having a "bad day" it's not like this. So maybe I'm expecting too much?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated!

Honestly picking a good father for your child is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. If you are questioning him pre-children you already have your answer.

If you already have to make allowances for his habits etc and have to chivvy him along, that will become a problem with kids. He can't just pick the things he will do then. You will be resentful.

He sounds like he will become just another man baby for you to look after. One of the main attractions of my husband was that I could see he would make an amazing father, which he is.
I think you already have your answer

I would want to see him commit to therapy and work on himself before I'd ttc. From your description of his mother it sounds like there is childhood stuff driving this he needs to work out

I totally agree with this. It's the biggest decision you can make in your life and frankly I wouldn't be having children with him.

I wonder whether your own mental health would improve if you lived apart as well.

I have a friend whose exH's mental health made him unpredictable. She could never leave their DDs alone with him just in case. It was so hard for her. Having a baby isn't easy even with a supportive partner.

Honestly, there used to be no way I would choose to have a baby with someone who behaves in the way you describe.

I know it might get me slammed on here, but depression isn't an excuse to be filthy and to do things that put other living beings at risk. I say all that as someone who has struggled with severe depression and who has had two breakdowns in the past.

It's also not a reason to have someone skivvying along behind you and clean up your (literal in this case) shit.

Personally I wouldn't want to live with someone who had such little respect for me.

If he suffers with his MH then he needs to seek treatment. I bet your own MH would be better if he did this or cleared off.

He may well have mental health problems but he’s also just being an entitled arse.

His mother said what?! It sounds like she’s encouraged him to not be self-reliant. What a bizarre relationship dynamic. Then add in a child.. what influence will she wield over him and will she try to make the baby all about her too?

I’ll be honest with you.. having a baby is tough enough. You might end up with PND. You’re sleep deprived (and it’s used as a torture technique for a reason). If he can’t support you and makes it all about himself you will end up in a very bad place. You might as well be a single parent than have 2 babies to look after. Think very carefully.

You're right. There was (and still is) a lot of over involvement from his parents, who both very much see both their sons as not enough as their own people but a chance to correct their own personal failings through them. He is having therapy, and I am seeing the positive differences. I just don't know if it will be enough before I will be realistically able to have biological children (Im also open to adopting and fostering, especially as I've worked with children in the care system a lot in the past)

"On the other hand, I know plenty of women happy to constantly clean up behind partners, constantly motivate them to do the basics"

I can promise you that no one is happy doing this!

I know this sounds harsh but it sounds like you already have a baby - he's just 6ft tall. Whilst it's good he's having therapy I'd want to see ongoing and consistent improvement before making such the huge commitment of a child with him.

You have a demanding job and a DP who needs to step up and "adult" so you can both work together as a team. The hard work of babies can break relationships. What if you get PPD, or the baby has colic and won't sleep? He wont be able to take to his bed when the going gets tough.

You need iron clad contraception whilst you both work things through.

What was the excuse for leaving the toilet filthy, op? I think you've correctly identified that having a child with this man would be really tough.

What I meant here was to not just paint the negative side. I do know people in happy relationships/marriages where their partner cooking etc is "something special" rather than a norm. Outside of his bad days, cooking, shopping, cleaning and all errands are done very equally. For example, he's a better cook than han me and wouldn't have a problem with doing it more. So I guess it's me thinking "out loud" that on average he's still doing these things more than many men whose partner don't consider themselves to be overworked.

He said that it was hard to motivate himself to get out in time to get the appointment so he just wasn't thinking about these "little things". The toilet wasn't even the worst thing but leaving the window on tilt with our cat. I told him when it comes to my cat's safety and life I don't care, his mental health is no excuse and there's no room at all for such slip ups

No chance.

Sounds like your partner can't look after himself, adding the responsibility of a baby is a lethal mix.

You wouldn't have one child, you'd have two with no support.

Picking a good partner is the best thing you can do for yourself and your future children. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's this.

Do yourself a favour here.