The last 12 months have been fairly horrific for me due to an ongoing family issue which has resulted in NC with my DM who I was previously very close to. I'm effectively grieving, for my relationship with DM primarily but also my whole childhood/roots as everything seems different now, like none of it was real.
I've had 3 previous bouts of depression, all triggered by events rather than out of nowhere, and would say I suffer with anxiety to some degree all the time but am not currently medicated and generally cope ok using CBT techniques and mindfulness. But now something new is happening, basically I'm waking up in the mornings with my mind totally racing, before my eyes are even properly open some days.
I'm thinking/stressing about the day ahead, what needs to be done, what plans I have for the day and it feels like it all needs to be done now, immediately, a bit like when you oversleep and realise you're late for work. And that feeling stays with me all day, I can't shake it and feel like the whole day is bathed in stress and rushing when there's actually no need to rush. I can't seem to rationalise it enough to get the feeling to stop even though I know there's no need for it.
Seeing the GP is daunting (even jumping through the hoops to get an appointment feels too much right now) and I'm not sure AD's are what I want/need anyway. I always feel sort of numb on them and I feel like I need to work through the grief for my DM rather than numbing the feelings if that makes sense, I think I'm scared AD's will just kick the can down the road and I will still have to deal with the feelings when I come off them again.
I had some NHS talking therapy last year which did help and I could refer myself again but it was an 18 week wait last time and I'm not sure I can carry on like this for that long. Private therapy is unaffordable for me unfortunately so I'm not really sure where to go from here, I just know I can't carry on as I am.