ADHD and autism combined

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

I have ADHD and autism, diagnosed quite recently as an adult (after a very intensive diagnostic process, rather than an "ADHD-R-Us" type exercise online, to get that out the way). I really hate the inside of my head most days. Specifically:

1. I am very tuned in to how I should be acting in any given situation, which is exhausting. I do it very well - I'm liked, people seem to think well of me, I'm sought out for things socially and professionally - but I'm exhausted. Plus doing so well at these things makes me feel like a fraud for having diagnoses, which then makes it harder to disclose to people.

1. I get fixated on rules and other people obeying them or not. Again, exhausting. And I hate myself for it. I also have the adult equivalent of a meltdown when plans change, even in ways which seem harmless or beneficial.

1. I skin-pick almost constantly, which is unsightly and occasionally affects me more seriously (eg, at the moment I walk with a limp because I have picked the bottom of one foot raw and bleeding).

1. The contrast between areas/times when I function well, and not. I work for myself and am good at leading people, generating good ideas, cutting through BS to find solutions... but I moved house a year ago and haven't updated my driving licence yet. It's on my list for this morning... hence my posting here, instead. I also have a "high processing speed", according to the two psychiatrists I am working with, but the reality of that is that I am like a Ferrari with no brakes and probably no clutch.

1. My children. My eldest is probably autistic, that's a whole process I need to start investigating. But because she was lovely and compliant I thought I had this whole parenting thing sussed and tentatively agreed to a second. Which was twins. Who are now toddlers. I really do my best by them but it's bloody hard. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have had children.

I'll stop there, in an effort to actually get other things done this morning.

No idea why there are five 1s instead of 1-5, but never mind.

You have toddler twins. I have to address that. This is the most mental and chaotic your life will probably ever be. My twins are seven, and I'm still emotionally scarred by that era. Life is easier now they are older and at school. Sorry I don't have anything more useful to add!

@TheWayTheLightFalls yoir description of yourself is exactly the same as me - you're not aline x

Thanks both. And thanks @ladygindiva - as in, this is clearly not because of my kids but certainly exacerbated by them, cute though they are.

I could have written this post minus the children! I was also diagnosed as an adult. I think it took me a year to fully come to terms with- I made changes in my life that helped me cope and went from feeling very negative about it to actually very positive- a VERY supportive husband and boss who both reassure me that they want the “Ferrari” part and are willing to help with brakes and steering are really key to this.

Ultimately I’m much happier post diagnosis than I ever could have been without it- understanding my own brain has been the absolutely key to me becoming happy in my own self and now I wouldn’t change it!

Saying that, we’ve decided not to have children because we just don’t think I could cope- I have a huge huge phobia of medical procedures, in particular childbirth. I also adore my career and wouldn’t want to give it up but I think the demands of the juggles I see my friends doing would just break me. We have 2 very pampurred cats instead. It feels like the right decision for us now but I do hope it’s not something I would regret when I’m older.

@user1471548941 can I ask, what changes have you made? I'm battling to find good quality resources/ideas for this. Obviously there are books with lots of detail, ideal for someone with the attention span of a microwaved goldfish!

Thanks for articulating all of this. I am so similar, right down to the bloody raw heel. I don't have kids though. I'm 42 and have accepted I wouldn't be able to do it. I commend you and I hope you can give yourself some grace.

I recently went back onto Concerta after going off it for about a year, because of some silly idea that I was 'weak' for needing it to function properly. It has been an absolute game changer, again. I asked my psychiatrist to please remind me of this if I ever want to go off it again.

I saw this recently. I'm hopeful that it might offer decent resources and support for AuDHD parents when it starts

www.theneurodiversitypractice.com/parents

Thanks @midlifepisces , will have a look.

@ButternutSoup it's such a taboo subject, isn't it? I think being honest about one's capabilities and the realities of family life/life with young children is really important, and I hope you recognise how unusual it is to be as clear and frank as you are being. I really do look back and wonder, if I'd been diagnosed sooner, whether I'd have stopped and thought, Hmm, I battle with loud noise, excessive touch and unpredictability... maybe having children isn't the way to play to my strengths . And I now feel guilty, first about my day-to-day parenting and then about potentially passing on my neurodivergence.

I haven't tried any ADHD medication - the shortage has meant that I'm too far down the queue to have started it. I am actually grateful for the space to think, for the moment. Medication feels like a next step.

I wish you well.

I have adhd and suspected autism. My verbal fluency is brilliant and I'm also great at research so people come to me for a lot. Of. Things.

I love that you had to say it's not ADHDrUs.

So I sat down the other day and thought I like to inhabit my brain. However. This is the culmination of 4 months intense hyperfocus on strategies.

My struggles will be different from yours but what stands out is maybe needing to put brakes on when you are reaching full capacity (very hard with ADHD), anything you can do to automate things (to help working memory, it does take time to build these systems). Definitely finding an alternative to the skin picking that isn't in the long term going to harm you (said with no judgement).

I recently applied to Access to Work and had some coping strategy sessions funded to help with work. There's a good book that helped me understand my brain more called Smart But Scattered Guide to Success for Adults. My EAP counsellor recommended it.