Depression, self-esteem (TW)

[ButterflyxDice]

New user here so I'm not sure whether I put this into the right thread.

I'm at loss of what to do. I've struggled with my mental health for about 3 years now but it has reached its peak. Last year my mum unexpectedly passed away which made me spiral further into depression. I don't want to sound pathetic or dramatic but I hate absolutely everything about my life.
I hate my name (gosh I hate it with passion), but I don't want to change it because it's something my mum gave me (also, where I live, changing your name is nearly impossible).
I hate my job too.
I hate everything about the way I look (height, weight, just looks generally). I'm desperately trying to loose weight but it doesn't work out. I'm not even overweight but I just want to loose weight to be skinnier.
I see no reason in getting up each morning because WHY? For a sh*t job and live a life I don't want to continue?
I'm trying to keep going for my dog but that's about it. I do have therapy regularly since last year, also been doing hypnotherapy three times now. But nothing seems to work and I feel completely lost.
I see those other people, mostly celebs, who seem to have it so much better and just are more lucky and blessed. I know that's not always the truth and everyone has their struggles but I can't stop envying them so much.

Sorry for a rather long post but I don't know what to do anymore. Feeling so overwhelmed and depressed

I'm sorry about your mum and that you're struggling. What type of therapy have you been having?

In today’s world, we are surrounded by everyone’s ‘best’ moments and ‘best’ life. Social media makes sure of that; we only post our highlights and filtered images. This constant bombardment of highlight reel snippets of other people and their wonderful lives reinforces our harsh judgement of ourselves.

When we look at our efforts, we have behind-the-scenes access to all the outtakes and inevitable mistakes that occur. We get to feel our own struggle and understand fully the level of work that went into our finished products.

We see people when they look their best and are happy to show themselves to the world; all of that after we have woken up and looked in the mirror at the mess that has just fallen out of bed. As a result, it becomes easy to fall into the trap of thinking badly of ourselves.

In practical terms can you chose a name you'd prefer to be known by rather than legally changing your name? You could explain that it was one your mum wanted to call you and it is a name you both loved.

What type of work would you look for if you had the choice? What makes your heart beat that little bit faster?

@atticstage I've had talking therapy for almost a year now and hypnotherapy like three times so far

@Eyesopenwideawake I do agree that social media of course can be very fake and make people seem perfect and happy when they're not. This realisation somehow just doesn't want to reach my brain... Like I KNOW that I shouldn't be fooled but can't switch those feelings off sadly

And technically yes I could go by a nickname/different name but the issue is 1) I don't think many people would actually get it or remember to call me like that and 2) my current, legal name is the one my mum loved. I actually don't mind the name either and would probably find it pretty on others.. I just hate how common it is in my area :')

As for the work, I'd love to do something creative for a living. Write, act, dance. Everything at once. Now I know how difficult it is to get a job in this era and actually make a living from it.. and honestly I don't even need to do it full-time... I'd just desperately want to at least have one small tv role. I do stage school/acting lessons (next to my "normal" job) but, thanks to the lack of self-esteem, I feel like everyone's so much better than me anyways. Self-esteem plays a major factor in my general well-being too I feel

What kind of talking therapy though? Counselling? Cognitive behavioural therapy? Family systems therapy? Dialectical behavioural therapy? Trauma-focused CBT?

There are different kinds of talking therapy - and practitioner - that are suited to different needs and circumstances.

What qualifications/ expertise does the practitioner have? Clinical psychologist? Psychotherapist? Counsellor?

If it's not helping after a year, it might not be the right fit for your needs. CBT is usually the first line therapy for low self-esteem in the absence of more complex causes like trauma.

This realisation somehow just doesn't want to reach my brain

Did the hypnotherapy help at all?

As a self-help book this is relatable and full of practical advice;

https://www.amazon.com/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/154450912X

I work with a lot of people with low self esteem, it’s a common and very human condition. What stood out from your post is that you’re actually an actor.

And here’s the dilemma: as an actor, model, influencer we tend to watch ourselves perform. We observe ourselves, almost as if we’re an ‘object’ (how we act, move, look, come across).

But to heal low self esteem is to stop constantly observing and comparing yourself. You want to consciously shift your internal camera away from looking at yourself to looking at others and the world.

Don’t get me wrong. Acting can be a brilliant cure for low self esteem but it is a tough route. You need to rigorously train yourself to be in the moment without thinking about how you come across.

The question is can you shift focus away from yourself even when you’re on stage? This is where brilliance lies. I get the feeling that you got this!

@atticstage It's CBT that I'm doing. Yes he's a psychotherapist. I mean he's been focusing on different subjects with me - self-esteem and grief/trauma but I feel like we didn't make much progress yet. In fact I feel worse than last year

@Eyesopenwideawake I feel like it hasn't helped or changed much yet other than feeling a bit reassurance from having a therapist. Took ages even finding one at all :(
Thank you for the link! I'll have a look!

@CognitiveBehaviouralHypnotherapy The thing is, when I perform/practice or even just have my lessons at stage school I'm able to forget the whole comparing myself etc. for a bit. It's only afterwards - so after lessons - that it overwhelms me again. It's not necessarily comparing myself to my friends or colleagues, It's rather the people Insee on social media. Which (I know deep down) aren't perfect or always happy either. It's like feeling they're generally more "blessed" and luckier than I am in first place.

It's so complex :(

Ah I see OP! That’s great. You already have the mechanism to be just in the moment and forget about (observing/judging) yourself. You do this when you act. How could you channel this in every day life?

Also, do you post on social media yourself? What is your account like, highly polished, raw, etc? Could it be possible that others feel slightly inadequate looking at your feed? It’s a complex topic for sure.

From my own experience I know that I could paint a sleek picture on social media but I find it much more fulfilling to share the real stuff and actually connecting to people. For that reason I prefer TikTok to Instagram as it’s just more of a come as you are situation.

Realising that anyone could glam up their account (if they wanted to) helps me understand that even the most beautiful accounts are just one angle of their actual life.

How about IRL, do you feel pangs of jealousy looking at others?

That's difficult to say.. I mean I could technically pretend to act a role in daily life too but I don't think it would work out.

I don't post myself on social media. I do have an account but it's basically just to use Instagram and follow my favourite pages. No own posts. Agree that with social media everyone can make their life seem glam and perfect even when the reality can be far from it.

As for daily life, it really depends. I'm not jealous of colleagues or family members or friends. It's more a way of being jealous/envious of celebs - specifically favourite celebs - and their seemingly perfect life and being, where everything seems just right and just as I'd like to have it too. This jealousy/envy is eating me up