How to deal with cptsd?

[pinkorangewhite]

I have complex ptsd. Long story but suffered abuse and neglect. I grew up not knowing how to live life and I was always fearful. Abusive and violent father, controlling mother. Never had the chance to say what I wanted or didn't want. My thoughts didn't matter to them. I'm an only child. Never said anything to my school friends so they didn't know.

Went to uni and didn't know how to enjoy life so I was in my room with curtains drawn 24/7. I didn't know there was anything wrong with me.

Now I'm 46 with 2 kids and happy. Happy that I am away from parents but I don't know how to navigate life. I can't plan holidays, can't invite friends over for meals because I don't know how to host. Husband is better at these things so we have invited some friends over in the past. But I get extremely anxious.

I have anxiety for many things. This includes social, cooking, cleaning, driving, money. All the necessary things in life. I am terrible at maintaining relationships, I can't handle it when friends get too close to me emotionally. I think it's just that I can't believe anyone except dh and kids (5 and 10). But even with them I feel I need my own space a lot of the time otherwise I get overwhelmed easily. I get anxious arranging play dates.

I've had 3 therapists for various things but they haven't worked.

My favourite thing is to go to sleep at night. That's when I feel most safe and comfortable.

What else can I do to love myself and be able to become an adult? I'm still that fearful child not knowing what tomorrow will bring as parents were so unpredictable.

Any advice would be appreciated. If you could be kind that would make my day.

Lots of kindness from me.

The main thing is that you recognise it, and you can lable your feelings. I think identifying them is the start to healing.

Mine wasn't as abusive, but caused damage and I walked into an incredibly abusive marriage as a result.

My therapy worked, and I found CBT particularly helpful.

I also read a huge amount on attachment theory, and it really helped.

Being honest with people was also a help. Not strangers, but closer friends.

I think you're already moving forwards, just by talking about it.

Sending love and solidarity - so much resonates here for me and I'm really just writing to say that you're not alone.

You say you have a DH and kids and so it sounds like you're being very hard on yourself when you say you can't do relationships- sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

A lot of the other stuff is much harder for you because of the c-ptsd so the key here I think is to be hugely kind to yourself and accepting that some things are just more challenging for you than some others. That's really unfair and it's fine to feel angry! You're doing so well, please know that every achievement, however small, is a moment of courage and healing. You don't have to do all the the things that people with no trauma find easy, just try to make small steps.

However the good news is that c-ptsd is much more treatable than they used to think. I'd urge you to try EMDR or trauma based CBT, the right therapist will be help you so much.

Sending a huge hug, so much of what you are experiencing is because your brain is working a little differently -
This is not your fault or your shame and you've done so well to get to where you are xxx

I'm still that fearful child not knowing what tomorrow will bring as parents were so unpredictable.

There's a part of your subconscious mind that is still living in that place, where you didn't know what was happening, or what to do/say to try and make your life safe. It is possible to resolve this. That part of you needs to know that you're no longer that fearful child, that no one can hurt you and that the anxiety is no longer appropriate, helpful or contributing to your ability to be happy.

I have it too pink, have had it for 45 years due to abuse and neglect.
I take 10 mgs of escitalopram and bisoprolol everyday for the anxiety.
I also have hallucinations and hear voices if I get too stressed which can happen with this condition but I don't worry about it because I know they are not real. The only time it gets to me is when I can hear people moving around downstairs and I know there is nobody there so I get up and make myself go downstairs then I know it's in my head.
Also unexpected panic attacks in the middle of the night - again get up, turn the lights on, make sure you are fully awake and they will subside.
What you need for this condition is a purpose and routine. I can't cope with not working, I am very career focussed and get fully involved in work. Staying at home all day would literally send me round the bend.
Read up on the subject as much as you can, books, articles, research studies. The best way to manage CPTSD is self help, counselling is ok but has it's limits but eventually we have to take control.
Don't be hard on yourself, give yourself a break. It was much much harder for me in my 20's but it gets much easier as you get older.

Thank you all. I don't know how to be kind to myself. I wasn't taught self care (I was always trying to hide and be quiet so father didn't get angry). Whenever I got ill my father would say I was lying and trying to get attention.

Are there anything you could recommend, such as yoga or meditation? Has anything worked for you?

I've also been listening to YouTube and reading up on my symptoms, which has increased my understanding of myself but I want to move away from it. Have tried EMDR too, but it hasn't really helped.

The best physical activity which helped me was swimming. Particularly outdoors.

Apparently, the cold water resets a central nerve, which is why you have an urge to splash cold water on your face when stressed. It really did help.

Have you considered remedial hypnosis? It can help you connect with the part(s) of your subconscious that are stuck in the past and bring them up to date (it's not regression therapy).

I am a wiccan and occultist, have been for 40 years so yes have done the meditation and lots of other psychic training which has helped and have a great support group.
But the most helpful thing is working and keeping busy. Do you work full time?

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://amzn.eu/d/ecgNdo2

Do you have a cuddly toy OP? I'm just thinking about you saying how going to bed is your favourite thing and I love this, I love that you've found a place to feel safe and stable.

Maybe you could take a toy to bed and then carry it and hold when doing other less 'safe feelings' things like paying bills online or tidying up.

Toys aren't just for children, they can be absolutely transformative for people who have experienced trauma as a stable, transitional object. You could even pop a small toy into a bag when you go out - no one needs to know. It's a way of carrying a safe feeling with you until you can find new ways to cope and to assimilate that feeling within.

Sending love (I have a cuddly toy, no shame, it's helped my inner child heal)

Thanks all for your kindness. I will look into what you have mentioned. The book looks good too.

The other thing I've noticed is that I'm almost obsessed with true crime documentaries and criminal psychology. I feel I find comfort in watching them. Is this weird? Does it stem from my cptsd?

I do this too, I've never really thought about it but I expect it does have something to do with it.

I work part time.

@Gettingbysomehow thanks. Glad it's not just me. I wonder how it all fits in together..

Research shows that many women love these programmes, including me! I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life (long-term medicated) and a friend who is similar is also obsessed. I'm not sure if there's a connection or not, but you're definitely not alone in this.

Hi OP,
when you say you have had 3 therapists, what type of therapy was it and for how long?
I think with cptsd, you're looking at years of therapy to see significant improvement as the trauma is like a frozen block of pain within you..
Do you have a critical inner voice, most probably your mothers?
It would be worth reading up on structural dissociation which often occurs when there is cptsd.
I would suggest a psychotherapist or trauma therapist, definitely not a CBT therapist.
Good luck.

It's not a given that trauma/PTSD/c-PTSD takes years of therapy. It can, but it can also take only weeks. I've worked with several cases, ranging from decades old childhood trauma to PTSD sustained as an adult with very good results. This is how I explain what it is and how to resolve it.

When something traumatic happens a part of your subconscious mind is 'assigned' to figure out exactly what happened and why, simply because it was so terrible that it must be avoided at all costs in the future and that can only be done by understanding every aspect of the event(s).

If it's something you can rationalise then your mind can easily put it behind you; the road was icy/the other driver was texting, you tripped over a stair rod, etc. If, however, there's no explanation within your grasp - the events were simply random or the people involved are unable or unwilling to explain their part in the trauma - then your mind will keep on going over all the tiny details in order to try to find all those (unknowable) answers; hence the nightmares and flashbacks.

The key to resolving it is to let that part of the mind know that there is not, and never will be, an answer to what happened and why it happened and also the constant rumination is actively detracting from the happiness of the person. Once the subconscious realises this is it will let it go. Yes, the memories will still be there but they will have no power or impact on your emotions.

Thank you all, I am very grateful for your insights. I am sorry for not being able to respond quickly.

In the past I've seen a counsellor (nhs), a private psychotherapist (emdr), then had CBT (nhs). The psychotherapist was ok but felt £60 for 50 min was too much for me and couldn't continue. The last therapist was a young woman with little experience.

Thank you. This is very helpful. It will take a while for it to all sink in but will keep in mind.

I'm not sure about critical inner voice but my mother still gives me huge anxiety even we live apart. We are on good terms but my heart jumps every time I receive a text from her. I know it's not her fault.

Person centred counselling could be good for you, if you feel on first session you found one you could work with.. There’s some good advice on this thread, I second the attachment theory and a great, well known book about it called “Attached.”
I also just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your experience I feel sad reading what you went through. Sending kindness & a huge hug. I think it’s really admirable that despite your trauma you have carved a life & family for yourself & whatsmore you have great self awareness which is half the battle in healing. 💐

I have complex trauma from childhood trauma and marriage stuff. I find walking in nature helps. Mindfulness. A few wonderful friends. Therapy for psychological support and slow change. Medication has been a must. Prioritising sleep. Healthy diet. Low caffeine. Definitely exercise. There’s good people to follow on social media.

learn to be compassionate towards yourself. Kristen Neff has a good website and several books.

we sound similar!

You're not alone OP. A lot of your post resonated and I've just bought the book suggested upthread, so thankyou for posting.