Debilitating anxiety and intrusive obsessive thoughts about dying

[ObsessiveWarrior]

For as long as I can remember I've always been an anxious person and an overthinker, extremely lack self esteem and confidence. My anxiety heightened in my late teens and became more focused on anxiety around my health, symptom checking, body scanning. I found ways to coo over the years. Tried lots of medications and therapies until my anxiety b came so severe that I could noonger take the medications due to anxiety about side effects, becoming sick etc. I'm in my early thirties now. Since I had my DS two years ago my health anxiety has ramped up, I have intrusive and obsessive thoughts all day everyday about dying, what will happen if I suddenly die, Everytime I look at my son my heart just breaks because I think what if I'm not here to live you and I never want to leave you. It's gotten so bad that I'm scared to leave the house, scared to be at home alone with DS in case I die then he gets hurt. Im scared to go outside, I make up scenarios in my head like what if we get attacked or stabbed, I've had to use public transport when I do go out lately and I have full blown panic attacks because I'm scared it will crash and we will die. I'm losing sleep because I'm scared in case I don't wake up. It's all I think about and I cant stop it. I've had recent CBT but was discharged because they don't think they an help me. I've been referred on the NHS for stage four intervention (I'm not sure what this is) but I have an appointment next month. I'm really struggling to do even basic things now and feel in real decline. My mind is always racing with negative thoughts and visions, I feel constantly sick, and I've recently lost 30lbs since February from the stress (Im massively overweight so not a bad thing I suppose) my question is does anyone differ similarly and if so what are some things that helped you? Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. I'm constantly at th doctor's, constantly googling and the minute I get any unusual feeling I instantly start to panic because I always feel like I'm dying. I'm exhausted and miserable.

Have you tried medication? It’s the only thing that helped me with health anxiety and intrusive thoughts about dying.

You’ve got my sympathies, it’s the worst but it can be conquered ❤️

Sorry, I’ve just reread your Op and you say you’ve tried medications in the past - there are so many out there, sometimes it’s just finding the right treatment for you. Sertraline was a game changer for me but I know lots of people can’t take it.

Op the biggest “aha” moment for me was realising that I am neurodiverse (adhd). I was diagnosed at 32, about eight years ago. I have anxiety, yes, but my endless whirling thoughts and overactive mind (adhd) made / makes it worse.

I am now looking into adhd medication. I didn’t want to take anything at the time of my diagnosis.

I get a lot of “everyone has adhd these days” snarks, but might it be worth doing an online quiz? Then seeing your gp?

That’s separate though. Your anxiety sounds overwhelming and debilitating right now. Other medication and talk therapy may help you.

I do other things that help me too - like my diet (very little ultra processed food etc) and I make sure I get plenty of sleep and I exercise.

I still live with anxiety, but those things help an awful lot.

There's a self help workbook, linked below, which could help understand why you get these thoughts. Something to work on until the appointment comes through.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Health-Anxiety

I have often wondered if I had ADHD because I do have apt of the symptoms but I think my anxiety is desperate to that but the racing thoughts and being restless not being able to sit still etc. I just don't know where to turn anymore. I've don't the talking therapies four times and they've refused to treat me anymore because it's not being effective hence going for step four. I just dont know what to at the moment until then to help me

How was your childhood? You say "for as long as I can remember" - do you remember a time when you began to feel unsafe?

Not particularly a set time or trigger I always felt unsafe and anxious.

I don't have first hand knowledge but I think that babies and toddlers don't feel unsafe or anxious. It's something that's learned rather than inherent.

Have you ever looked back and realised that all those dreadful prophesies and ideations you've had haven't come to anything? Does knowing that you've been wrong every single time do anything to help? I'm not belittling you in any way because I know how real and frightening they can be but understanding the difference between a horribly vivid imagination and actuality can really help.

Yes I remind myself that all the other times I have these thoughts that it has been fine but I still have the overwhelming but what if this time it's real.

I can’t recommend the books by Dr Claire Weekes enough for how you are feeling, they really really helped me and I was/am the same as you are feeling right now 💐

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hope-Help-Your-Nerves-Anxiety/dp/0593201906/ref=asc_df_0593201906/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=430989470045&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6883039685228458594&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006502&hvtargid=pla-913893065897&psc=1&mcid=480f612819d03da5ab73f73433130c47&th=1&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=97419294862&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=430989470045&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6883039685228458594&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006502&hvtargid=pla-913893065897

I would hope that you've seen this already with your CBT but on the off-chance you haven't then this is a really useful tool;

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ThoughtRecordSheet7.pdf

The waiting lists for ADHD assessments on the NHS are long. Can you afford to go privately? Either way, might be worth putting your name down as one step in many.

I also liked a book called “Chatter” by Ethan Kross.