Is this empathy deficit or something else?

[VeryPuzzledAndConfused]

My stbxh seems to have a real problem with feeling empathy in regard to the health problems of others. Over the last 12 years I have noticed that he constantly minimises and dismisses me and others health problems. This has come to a head recently after I was hospitalised for 2 weeks with a severe migraine. Because I have seen that his mother's severe health anxiety has made him reluctant to engage with my pain I have minimised my own pain and tried not to trigger him by being needy. However I think this is more than just a lack of empathy. Our child told him last night that he felt very unwell, and I was up in the night giving medicine and comfort to the child. This morning I told him that he was poor and that I didn't think he should go to school. I then had to rest myself as I was only discharged from the hospital yesterday. When I got up we had a call from the school to collect him, and it turns out that he is genuinely really poorly. I don't understand why my stbxh would ignore this in our child, and I'm realising that this actually is quite a severe problem. He's agreed to speak to the doctor later, but my question is what on earth do you call this? It's like the exact opposite of health anxiety and I'm beginning to think this is a psychiatric problem.

When I look back, I can see that there have been times in the past where this has left me at risk of severe injury and possibly death. For example I had a severe uti that travelled to my kidneys. I was hallucinating and very unwell when I finally ignored his dismissals and went to the doctor who promptly called an ambulance for me as I was so sick. If I hadn't gone to the doctor I may well have developed sepsis as I was so sick. He treated me as if I was overreacting and dismissed my concerns which led to me delaying treatment far too long. Now I see that this is something that he also does to out child and I'm really worried.

Anyone?

Are you saying your stbxh took your child to school while you were resting, when you thought it was agreed he shouldn’t go? Is he a ‘grin and bear it’ type when it comes to his own health and well-being, or just other people’s?

Well now you know that he is like this you will be able to plan around it. You should remember that you absolutely cannot count on him, only yourself or other family and friends.
There are a lot of people like this and I think either they have very poor judgment or a lack of empathy as you stated. Having a neurotic mother with health anxiety though may be part of it. She cried wolf too many times and he became immune to it.

So now the thing to do is be vigilant about health matters but without becoming anxious.

When you say Stbx what do you mean? Are you still living in the same house?

Yes, it absolutely does sound like a problem that your ex has, possibly from his relationship with his mother but it could also be a problem with him.

The examples you give are very much examples where I would leave him. It doesn't matter if there are reasons for his failures here, you need to get out of this relationship.

Yes that's exactly what he did. I've done some googling and there's a thing called Empathy Deficit Disorder which fits him very well. I said this to him and he's agreed to see the doctor.

Yes I agree. I can see that it is probably a defence built up since childhood. Feel some sympathy for him as it was probably inevitable. Now I just have to try and prevent patterns repeating a generation later.

Yes we separated last month. He's in the process of moving out but is still living in the house in the meantime.

Are you serious? You're sending him to the doctor about a fictitious disorder you found on Google without noticing it's not even in the DSM? You need to give your head a wobble.

"I made it up, so you won't find it listed in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/are-you-suffering-empathy-deficit-disorder?amp

I really wouldn't go around diagnosing him with anything, and then assuming behaviours fit/ are understandable due to your google psych search. He has a mother who overemphasised illness and had severe health anxiety and probably to his detriment as health anxiety can have a huge impact on kids. Because of this he's formed certain views where he maybe does over react the opposite way, but I doubt he's going to get a diagnosis of anything particularly quickly, is he committed to seeing a psychologist weekly, to take about his issues, for however long is needed? A quick trip to the doctor will do bugger all, and if you're concerned his behaviour will put your child at risk in the long run if they are ill, then agree that needs to be addressed but it will take months/ years- has he agreed to that?

Given that the doctor referred him on for assessment, and given the information sources below, yes I'm pretty happy to be a-wobbling my noggin. Thanks for your input though! 😁

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/blog/2020/07/10/what-is-empathy-disorder

https://uktherapyguide.com/empathy-disorder-what-is-it-symptoms-and-how-to-overcome-it#:~:text=People%20with%20empathy%20deficit%20disorder%3A,what%20others%20are%20going%20through.

This actually really sounds like my dad. My Grandmother had a heart condition that went undiagnosed her entire life and she became agoraphobic because she would pass out frequently. I think the whole family thought it was "all in her head" and treated her like an invalid, despite her being very intelligent but she would always need a rest. She died quite young and even though they finally discovered the problem with her heart, she had spent her whole life being misdiagnosed by doctors and put on medication that gave her adverse reactions. It was very sad.

I do think it hugely impacted the way my dad views women's pain in general. I remember having tonsilitis when I was younger and he insisted it was just a sore throat (doctor had diagnosed it), I had Scarlet Fever and he didn't even remember that I'd had it, when I had an emergency section he made the comments about being "too posh to push" and didn't lift a finger to help. More recently I was in hospital in a life/death situation and although he came to "help" he refused to do a food shop for me yet expected me to cook every meal for him and then drive him 2hrs home 2 days later when I was meant to be on bed rest. He hasn't asked how I am since I drove him home, which was about 3 months ago and I am currently sticking to my guns and waiting for him to parent me for once. I might be in for a long wait

I just call him an arsehole.

The fact is that he's already put both of us at risk with this. I do have a genuine concern about my child's safety in regards to this, and given that we're separating I can't just ignore it. I was actually surprised that the doctor referred him and am finding it a bit weird that my stbxh doesn't seem particularly bothered by any of it. Just no real reaction at all.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Arsehole sounds like a good description.

It does feel as though he can't empathise, so I get what you mean. My friends who have met him all think he has Aspergers, but he would never get checked. I think he has been to his doctors voluntarily maybe twice in his life and prides himself on never being sick.

My dad was like this. He just couldn't handle the concept of someone being ill. It seemed to actually annoy him. He was one of those who just took loads of medication, grin and bear it, but if someone talked about being unwell he'd just roll his eyes. Go to the doctor's then! He'd say. Not that helpful for acute injury etc. or ongoing issues.
I wasn't aware it was a mental disorder though? I guess he can get some sort of therapy. But I doubt medication would help?

@BobbyBiscuits , obviously not every person lacking in empathy is autistic. But there is no medication or treatment for 'asshole'.

I dont really think it is a good idea to start diagnosing psychiatric disorders through google. You can call literally anything a psychiatric disorder

Oh god, I fear this is me! I'm pretty sure I don't have any psychological disorders but I'm not particularly sympathetic when people are unwell. I think it's because if I'm ever unwell I just want to be left alone and it annoys me when people make a fuss of me in those situations. I'd also just expect adults to look after their own health needs, so if they felt awful to go to the doctors or pharmacy etc not ask my advice about it.

This is dh - he goes from being a lovely caring amazing husband to quite cold when me or the kids are ill - it’s become a bit of a joke - got a bit extreme when I broke my arm and was unable to cook or make food - I lost quite a lot of weight, he feels bad about it and recognises he was a bit shit. His sister is very similar - I was shocked by how little she supported her dh when he had a hip replacement.

My autistic DH is like this. He is the only one allowed to be ill (and has massive health anxiety on his own account). But if anyone else is ill or in pain - including our pets, who he loves more than life itself - he either goes into shutdown & ignores them completely or becomes outright hostile.

There must be something overwhelming in the emotions triggered by other people's sickness that makes these men shut down so callously like that. Could be fear - maybe at some deep level they worry that you (or their mother or other loved one) will die, or go to hospital, or otherwise abandon them? So they deny the possibility of you getting sick because the consequences are too much to handle?

Or do they just hugely resent the inconvenience of having to look after you ... or the guilt if they fail to do so?

I'm not saying it's OK. Just wondering what weirdness underlies it.

For my DH it’s that he can’t cope with (a) anyone needing any thing from him (b) other people’s emotional / energetic state being outside of a very narrow range he finds tolerable. If someone in his immediate environment is ill, injured, sad, annoyed - or even unusually happy or enthusiastic - he finds it really destabilising and impossible to cope with and will generally have some sort of meltdown / shutdown.

If I became gravely ill he’d genuinely leave me to die rather than fetch me a glass of water and some aspirin.

And no, none of this was at all apparent when we met and married.

(As an aside, I do think intolerance of change / intolerance of others’ emotions is often behind the behaviour of people who can’t celebrate their partner’s birthdays or promotions, or who seemingly sabotage every holiday or special occasion with sulking and fits of temper. Any social expectation that they will do something (give a gift, say something nice), and anyone’s emotional state being other than ‘neutral’ feels alarming and threatening and they just can’t fucking deal)