Please help me

[Missguidedsmiles]

Long story short-

I always had a really bad relationship with my Dad. He left when I was 1 and I never really saw him until I was about 10. I am now in my late 20s and have had a really bad on and off relationship with him since. He is an alcoholic and dating a woman 3 years older then me. Everyone has their own life choices..
I hadn't spoken to him in a few years until he text me on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and telling me that he knows I hate him for what he's done...

Stupidly drunk I called him talking in a stupid acsent telling him how he's a shitty dad ect. Of which I don't remember as I was severely drunk. He told me to forget it and he never wants to talk to me again.. which I find ironic after I've had a good few drunk horrible texts and calls from him in my life. This made me very upset.

My boyfriend who I was with at the time on the way to pick up our baby from my boyfriends mums house (who had baby all day so we could go out).
We got to her house and I walked out of his mums house in HER shoes to go to buy cigarettes (which I had quit smoking) then they drove around trying to find me worried (10pm at night) they found me and shouted at me telling me to get in the car and I come out with this "at least your dad didn't try to rape you at 3 years old". I was drunk out of my head. Unremembering my responsibility as a parent what I said was a lie. My dad never did this. I was so drunk I didn't even know what I was doing or saying. I got into a huge argument with his mum and ended up crying my eyes out. I feel so disgusted at myself for lieing especially to my boyfriends mum!! Saying this!!! It's been 3 days and she says that she's forgiven and forgotten but I can't stop being guilty, disgusted and hating myself! She's either going to think I'm a huge liar or think I'm deluded! I haven't been able to face her since. I brought her flowers to apologise but have been keeping my distance. I've been reading the Bible every day since. And repenting to my sins. I can't even sleep knowing what I've done. I was clearly upset with my dad but this is too far. I'm so lost and feel I don't deserve anything in life now. Its the worst thing I've ever done. I'm never drinking again! As a Christian what do I do?
Please help me this is causing me severe mental breakdowns.

I would say quit drinking. Repenting is a strange concept… you’re not evil. Alcohol is not your friend.

@thethebestinterest thankyou so much for responding. I have stopped drinking I just don't know what to do now in terms of the predicament I'm in.

You’ll be fine, love. We make mistakes. But honestly, I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be locking yourself in a dark space, reading a bible repenting. if I’m honest, that culture will make you feel worse about yourself, for no good reason.

My advice? Drink lots of water and go for a nice long stroll at a park. You can forgive yourself. You must.

I come out with this "at least your dad didn't try to rape you at 3 years old".

This is an odd thing to come out with as just a reflex reaction.
It doesn't sound like something you just make up in the moment, even though you're drunk.
Are you absolutely sure it's not true?

@setsetmestraightplease I know he never did it, don't know what possessed me! My dad did previously tell my boyfriend to buy me a see through dress which is very perverted but I don't think he went that far. I'm sick to my stomach what i said

@thethebestinterest thankyou so much for being supportive. I really feel disgusting what I said I know it was under the influence but it came from my mouth. I can only really try to forgive what I've done.

Getting some kind of therapy for processing your past and exploring your feelings around it might help. If you're regularly getting so drunk you don't know what you're doing, get help for alcohol problems too. Have you heard of Al-Anon? It's for the families of alcoholics, some type of support service. Maybe you should get involved in it. It is hard being the child of an addict and leaves psychological scars. You are not a bad person, you have a wound that needs healing.

For the Christian side of things I would accept yourself as human with failings and forgive yourself. Ask God for the strength to face your past through therapy and for the courage to move forward in a healthy life without alcohol. I would pray for your father to give up alcohol and be at peace in his life, not because he deserves it or because you care about him but because he is human, all life is precious and you can have compassion towards him without having emotional involvement with him or having him in your life.

It is most probably best for your health that he isn't in your life IMO. I would block his number and on social media, email etc. You need to focus your energies on healing yourself and improving your own life. You won't be able to do that whilst being dragged under by him.

Agree with everything said here, OP.