Very anxious mum of autistic child

[Cel77]

I'm 46. My son is autistic and nearly 9. I have a daughter who's 4. I've been sitting for 2 h in his bedroom trying to calm him down while he keeps saying "I can't sleep ". I could just about deal with it if I wasn't exhausted myself, if I didn't have to work tomorrow (full day teaching), if my husband could calm my son down (he can't,he'll have a go at him,tell him we've had enough of him not sleeping make everything worse in a nutshell), if my son would just accept my advice,if he didn't get up from his bed and banged on the wall,slammed doors etc...
I'm worried he might wake his little sister because then I'm absolutely powerless. My children are not easily comforted,and definitely not by their dad.
I'm just so sad because I feel powerless, and alone in my struggles. I feel so sad. And mad too. Mostly at my husband, who's absolutely useless at night.
My husband and I haven't slept together for more than 5 years. The last time we had sex,we conceived our daughter. She's a joy. My son is too but he's also a constant source of worries and very hard work at times.
I'm so very sad. One of my sisters accused our dad to have repeatedly sexually abused her during her childhood. It has broken my family. My mum has become a recluse. None of my siblings are in touch with our parents. I'm the only one who's in touch. I struggle to believe my sister. She said our dad raped me but I have absolutely no recollection. I feel as if I've lost my siblings and my family.
I feel very alone in that mess. I'm worried the anxiety will kill me. Literally. I'm trying to arrange counselling for myself.
My son had counselling for 7 months now.
From the outside we're a regular family doing regular family stuff
Our children are well behaved but quiet around others. I lack confidence and eat my lunch in the car everyday as I can't face the staffroom.
I pretend everything is fine but want to teach my children being open about how you feel is a strength. I can't tell them why I'm feeling how I'm feeling ( my family's horrors, my relationship with their dad, my son's autism etc...).
The pre menopause is not helping either.

Didn't want to read and run. The sleep thing? It's rough, I know.
Have you asked your doc about melatonin for
your son? Might be worth a go. Also, does he have any ADHD traits? This can also impact sleep.

Your problems with your sister and the rest of the family arw a separate issue and not something to deal with when you're short on sleep.

With regards to the confidence/being brave and proud of who you are I'd suggest counselling if possible. You need to work on your own before you can inspire it in your children.

I'm sorry things feel so bad. It sounds horrific for your sister too.

Being single can give you a LOT of freedom, safety and sense of ease that makes everyone happier.

Homeschooling and tutoring, mostly online, doing my Inclusive Ed masters and life is 100% better for my ASD family being able to sleep when needed and learn when happy.

Melatonin will likely help your son. It’s licensed for autistic children with sleep issues. Speak to his special needs team or your GP. Also be kind to yourself. You have a very difficult, stressful life with young children, one of whom is autistic, a demanding job and a partner who is, to put it mildly, not helpful. It sounds to be like you are an absolute bloody heroine. Consider asking your GP about HRT if you are in peri- it can do a real number on your confidence. Have you thought you might have some autistic traits yourself, hence your anxiety about lunch? Nothing you can do about it but it means you might find all this trauma even harder to cope with. Try to push the wider family stuff away - you can’t control it and you are editing for counselling so deal with it then. Prioritise sorting your son’s sleep so you can get some rest.