I don't know what to do anymore

[WorriedStressed1246]

I'm in a toxic relationship and I don't know how to get out of it because I love him.

I take drugs just to feel alive/less lonely and I self harmed recently for the first time in a while.

It's all jumbled in my head and I don't have anyone to talk to or who understands my situation.

Can't even write too much on here because I'm so paranoid I'll be recognised.

I don't know what the point of this thread is but I'm so alone and I feel like I'm dying inside.

Oh lovie. You're not alone and there is help out there for you when you're to reach for it. No pressure, just post as and when you feel able. You will get lots of support here.

I just find it really hard to know if his behaviour is normal or if it's me, or if what I'm doing is causing problems. It's all very messed up and it seems like from his point of view it's me that causes the problems. It's hard to know.

Based on the majority of posts on here, it's nearly always the man - particularly the ones that start with 'I think this must be my fault'

They abuse you through silent treatment, sulking, manipulation, highs and lows, love bombing etc and you don't know if you are coming or going.

Would you like to tell us a bit more about the relationship?

What drugs do you use? You could seek help to stop those; that would be a really positive step to changing your situation for the better

Started out very intense, was obsessed with me telling me how beautiful I was, couldn't get enough of me. Pressured me into sex twice by threatening to leave because we weren't going at his pace. I know I'm totally pathetic for going along with it. I just get really lonely and was starved of love and sex in my previous relationship.

Told me he loved me a couple of weeks in.

Can be very hot/cold, distant, if I bring up any issues he shuts down or acts annoyed with me. Has been very noncommittal at times. Ghosted me, will happily leave me on read if he doesn't want to deal with me talking about my feelings about something. Decides the relationship is over if I say something he doesn't like, until I back down, or he'll end the conversation and tell me how much he loves me etc.

I feel like I'm deeply in love with him. When it's good it's great and I feel so safe with him. There are times he makes me feel so loved. I can't bear to be away from him. The thought of losing him is agony. I'm very needy but I feel so insecure at times.

Please be kind I know I'm weak to not end it.

I don't take heroin or anything like that and I'm not addicted, I just do it to feel more alive and less alone but it doesn't really work anyway.

When we're together he's very affectionate and will always give me cuddles and kisses etc. it's so confusing. It's heartbreaking thinking that I have to end it probably. I don't know how I'll cope. I'm already hurting myself because I can't deal with it all.