Spiralling and don't know what to do

[PNDshame]

I have 2.5 year old twins, as well as an older child. I am entirely alone - no other parent. My first child was a breeze, and even twins weren't too bad in the newborn days but by 3 months I was in tears and my HV referred me to GP for PND. I was put on sertraline, and after a year of no improvement was upped to 100 dose

Another year on and I'm just broken. It's beyond just trying to juggle work and kids and life, I have turned into a person I don't want to be. I have absolutely no patience, I scream, I shout, I'm a monster of a mother. I lock myself away in the house because I cannot cope with them whining or fighting or the mess they make

I dread weekends and school holidays and I hate that I do. During the week it's more manageable when I'm working and they're all at school/nursery. I even went back to work full time just to have some peace.

I love them but I hate being a mother. I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm going to snap any moment now. I have nobody to help.

Where do I go from here? Wait until it gets better? Go back to my GP? I'm so scared that they'll see me as an unfit mother and take my kids away. Surely it can't be PND 2.5 years on

Going back to your GP shows that you ARE a fit mother, because you have realised you have a problem and you want to fix it - that takes a lot of courage and self awareness so be kind to yourself.

If there's a crisis you always have the Samaritans - 116 123

https://www.samaritans.org/

I would absolutely go back to your gp, there is no time limit on how long PND might last especially if you don’t feel any better than when it was first diagnosed. Parenting is so tough especially as you are doing it solo, there is no shame in going back to your gp and letting him know you are struggling. Do you ever get a break from your children at all? Any family to help out or lean on? x

I had similar - dd1 and dtds. It got a bit easier about 3.5 and from 4 it improved again (when they were at school more). Hang in there and get gp help to get you through. It’s relentless.

You could try upping your sertraline to 150mg?

PND can last for a long time. I got it almost 8 years ago and it's totally messed my mental health up completely still. I don't like being negative but it can develop into longer term illnesses and I'm unfortunately one of them 🥹 go back to your GP and don't be scared about being honest x

@PNDshame i really hope you are ok. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and you can do this. You need to get yourself strong, are you eating well? Taking a multi vit your b &c vits, omega 3, iron zinc magnesium etc? Drinking enough water? Limiting alcohol and sugary stuff - from experience they are kryptonite when under a lot of pressure and exhausted, zaping the little energy you have; can you take the smallies for a walk or out in the fresh air, to a park. Can you run on the spot, jump like crazy, put a great song on your headphones and shake off that heavy energy. Give big long hugs all around to get the oxytocin flowing, In all of you. Working full time on top of all you have sounds like a lot. I know it’s an escape of sorts but it could make it harder if the house stuff is mounting. Could you get someone in to help with the housework and the babies? You have the resources in you to do this, medication has a place but don’t be too quick to hand it over to a gp. The drugs don’t work if there’s no chemical imbalance. This is just so tough. I know you feel like you don’t but you do… we do labour, we think we might die but we don’t, we are tough tough tough and capable cookies. Keep yourself physically strong and rest as much as you can. I really feel for you and wish you so much strength and love. They say in the present moment, all is always well. It is going to be one moment at a time.