41 soon, alone with 2 kids, tired

[AnnaMi]

I'm single mum of 2, will be 41 in June. Moved 2 years ago to England. Alone. Divorsed. Mostly feel like I'm alone on whole planet. Yes, I do sports, never drink alcohol. Each month is survival, rent, bills. Dont remember what is to go for shopping, all my shopping is food. Afraid of tomorrow. Got noone to talk, thinking sometimes to end this life tbh. Feeling complete loser with no joy in life, only responsebilities, duties. As well having body dismorphobia, hate my appearance and personality as well. I got no money for therapy. And sometimes I ask myself - this is it? Life is over for me and all I deserve is only this kind of existance? Getting old... scares me to death. But I feel like inside I am much much older than 41.

So sorry you are feeling like this. Is it possible to take little time out for yourself to do something you enjoy like listen to a favourite song or read something light hearted. Sometimes little moments of joy or peace can give you strength to carry on with life's responsibilities.
Hopefully someone would be around to give much better advice.

I feel like this too so understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you. I don't have much advice but have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel? Maybe they could offer you some therapy?

Why don't you move back to wherever you lived 2yrs ago, is it only since you moved that you feel alone? Where are your family? Where are your friends?

It's Ukraine, so I had divorse first, then in 6 month when I started to recover mentally after that - invasion happened and I had to run with kids. I dont want to move anywhere, I'm too tired already.

Ok, then you need to be a lot kinder on yourself. A divorce is a huge thing to deal with, but on top of that you had to flee your home due to war.

You sound like you're holding it together far better than I would be. Look how amazingly strong you've been.

Who cares if you can't shop right now? Your whole life turned upside down in a way most of us will never be able to understand, just two years ago, and here you are raising two children, all the bills paid, in a foreign country, alone. Do you recognise how incredibly proud you should be? Because you should. It's remarkable.

What would make you happy? New friends? A partner? A pet? A new job? All of these things should be achievable to you, would any of them lift your mood? What about moving area? Maybe a change of scenery and a cheaper house would give you some financial breathing space and the feel of a positive new start? A start you choose, and are in control of, not a change you are forced to make because you are reacting to horrible circumstances.

Thank you so much. Well most of all that keeps me stable is boxing and running, last summer I broke my leg bone and it was tough untill it healed, I was not able to box or run, just trained upper body at gym. Cant think about moving as to get house to rent was very very hard, it took a lot of effort and tears. As well its not expensive if to compare on the market. Partner is something that not seem to be real for me, I'm single with 2 kids, 40 years old, so thats less chance as winning lottery I guess. We got pet - hamster, its really lovely. I work from home, remotely, mainly my going out is gym or boxing now. I just feel a bit scared to get in touch with people tbh, I dont feel that I can give them smth, I am empty myself, got no energy to share and people always are seeking for good energy. As well, as I am foreigner its hard to connect. I think probably I just have lost socialisation skills and lost myself as well, sometimes I cant realise who I am anymore and just act as robot.

Are both your children in full time school?

How easy would it be for you to change your job? The big problem here is that you don't leave your house and that makes anyone depressed. You need human interaction. Proper face to face, not over a screen.

You will make friends. The girl from accounts might end up sitting with you for lunch. That sort of thing. If you are on a low wage, and you can do it around childcare, the first thing I would do is change job to one where you work from office at least 2 days a week.

And foreigner? Stop it :). This isn't the fifties.

My friends are married to American, Thai, Lithuanian, Canadian, Latvian and Phillipino women.

If you are strong enough to overcome everything life has thrown at you (all of the divorce and war and single parenting in two years, then you even break your leg!!) then you are one amazing woman and you CAN make the right change for your life. You can, you can, you can.