Help me deal with this trauma

[Lakeviewhouse]

I'm normally a very strong individual but I'm currently dealing with a huge trauma and feel completely lost. My son age 14yrs has special needs and is aggressive/violent at times. My Dh as well as my family are talking about residential care for him. I'm so traumatised by this. I could never put my child into care. Surely we can ride this storm out and support him. Residential would break me. I can't sleep, eat with this threat.
I understand he's difficult as I bear most of it but the idea of residential care has me distraught. I have 2 other children who are traumatised by his behaviours.
Has anyone had experience of this and survived. I don't know what to do/think anymore. I'm at breaking point.

I know a few people in this position. In one case the dad moved out with the older son displaying the problems. Not because he didn't love wife and family. That I understand is drastic but it felt the only way. I don't know the longer term outcome.
There are some groups on FB where a fair few parents have done this. It's usually in the USA though. It's a parent's of autism group and obviously only in cases where violence is too much for the family to manage.
Is it possible in your view that the behaviour would be much less aggressive and difficult if it were just the 2 of you?
I know I will get flamed for this but is there any chance of looking into medication that may help calm him. I accept he has to be willing and it depends on the condition.
Lots of hugs to you. No judgement here at all.

I was going to ask if it’s possible for you to live apart so you can be with your son but your other children are protected from him, as above.

I have 2 other children who are traumatised by his behaviours

That’s the crux of it really. Your DH is no doubt wanting to do the best by them. I’ve personally known two families where a child has gone into residential care (one ASD and one DS with extreme behavioural difficulties). Both families ended up having a choice of that or other kids being taken into care to protect them from further trauma. In both cases it should have occurred years prior as it was really too late for siblings at the point it happened, too much damage done for them to ever live normal lives even with a mountain of therapy.

Residential care can actually be really beneficial for everyone. The child gets additional support and space from triggers and the rest of the family get a chance to breathe and relax. Your other children deserve to be safe from violence and aggression.

This is a terrible situation for you and you have all my sympathy
I could never put my child into care. Surely we can ride this storm out and support him. Residential would break me. I can't sleep, eat with this threat.
Do consider that, as Twokittycats says, residential care may be the best place for your DS to be atm for his own wellbeing.
Changing the current position will give your whole family, particularly you,a chance to recover and consider future options.

Hello OP.
I mean this very kindly, but it's not all about you. Your children need to be at the centre of your decision making. All of them. Your child with extra needs may flourish at a care setting and the other two may need a break. Why don't you look into some respite first and then go from there?
FWIW, I spent two years at a residential college for autistic adults between 16-18 and found it so beneficial.

Residential care can actually be really beneficial for everyone. The child gets additional support and space from triggers and the rest of the family get a chance to breathe and relax. Your other children deserve to be safe from violence and aggression.

I agree with this.

I have 2 friends dealing with this at the moment. One is still at home (single mum, he daren't even go to the supermarket on his own, or anywhere else), and one, a widow has had to put her child in care - he loves it! getting all that attention - because she is in her 70's now.

They are both only children though.

Hoping you come to the best decision for your whole family.

Hey, I've actually worked in residential chidrens care homes. The children who are placed in them are exposed to so much vulnerabilities and abuse from peers. Being placed in a care home itself is the core vulnerability for the young person.

If possible if you can find some respite care through the council for when you're really struggling so your child can go there for a day or two but can always come home too?

I do hope you find the best solution for your child.